Help, marriage broken, need advice

auntyange

This is a bit complicated and I need some impartial advice but can't afford a solicitor.

My husband walked out on me and two children on 29th April saying that he needed some space for a couple of days to think. I have an older daughter (26) but she lives about 200 miles away and is not his daughter.

The two children are our little girl who was ten since daddy left and a sixteen year old who was a baby (from a previous abusive relationship)when we got together and he is the only dad she's ever really known as her biological dad pays csa but doesn't see her. Our ten year old has some learning difficulties for some things but is extremely bright for others - she has a high IQ as it was tested recently as part of a battery of tests she had.

I was devastated when he walked out but this is not the first time we have had a temporary split it seems to happen about every 4 years but I'm not sure why - my husband had a very difficult childhood and was in a variety of foster care at points as well as an abusive home. In the last 6 months he has got very secretive, hiding his phone, he's been late home sometimes and has started going out with his friends from work and coming in really late so it looks like he's having an affair but I don't know for definite as I can't find any "evidence" when I have looked after he left. My teen says that he has "whatsapp" on his phone and had asked her how to alter his phone so that it told you there was a text but not any of the message.

We have been together 16 years and married for ten years but finances have always been trouble as he had no money when we got together and it burns a hole in his pocket when he has it. I had savings and a couple of years ago I was left some money by an elderly relative of mine but there is very little left as my husband didn't pay his share - the last time we split he reduced his contribution to £250 a month and I paid the rest of the bills after the benefits were received and he has never increased the amount again so although I have some savings left there are not loads but I want to be able to keep them in case there is an emergency like the boiler needing replacing etc.

Technically he earned twice what I earned as I'm a self employed childminder but I am ashamed to say I have not been very good at making him pay his share, he always said he would but never got around to it so almost all my wages were spent on food, bills etc and he probably had around £400 to himself - it makes me sound so stupid to not have insisted he pay more but I didn't get around to it as he didn't do his share of the housework etc either so I did most of that too (what a mug!) and I did all the paperwork too so now I am way behind on everything and he's been gone 2 1/2 weeks and my teen texted him on Tuesday to say she wont talk to him (not that he has text or called either her or the youngest one) until he tells me what is going on and if he's coming back.

I am not sleeping but then I have been ill for the last 3 years, initially they thought it was my heart then more tests and nothing seems to be showing up so then they say fibromyalgia but then registrar says not that either so still no diagnosis and I get soooo tired sometimes. I have cut my hours from 40+ to 20+ and that has helped a bit but needed to keep my ofsted grading and I had been told that if I had no little children during the day I could only get a meeting requirements not a good so I have increased my hours to approximately 28, more in the holidays.

He's coming tomorrow night to see the little one and to talk to me, I'm sure he is going to say he's not coming back, tbh I have realised that I feel like I am always supporting him but I don't get the support back. The house was mine and I was stupid enough to put it in both names to try to stop some arguments about it been my house and he wasn't going to work on it - he still didn't do the work that needed doing!

It is over but now comes the bit where we split everything up, my eldest daughter says he came in with nothing so he will still be leaving with more than he came in with as he has taken his expensive bike and all his cycling kit (mamil) and his car (paid for out of inheritance) and some of his clothes, she and my mum think I should pack what I think is his share and if I haven't packed something he thinks should be his then tell him to ask for it (tools etc) but I don't know if I am allowed to do this.

I want to give him nothing but doubt that I will get away with it - can anyone give me advise so I can prepare a bit for him coming tomorrow evening. I have been going to post on here but felt ashamed and stupid as it has gone on for so long. I don't think I love him but even if I do, we cannot fix it now, if he cared at all he would not have moved back to his mums and not contacted us - He has seen the little one 3 times including her party that he was late for and left early.

The other assett that we have is our caravan but that too was paid for out of the inheritance. I do the towing so we can go away without him but I lack in confidence even though I have never damaged the caravan.

Thanks for reading

thorsoak

Is your home rented or mortgaged? Is it in joint names? Where is the car? At your address?

auntyange

Our home is on an older mortgage that I should have changed for a lower rate but I'm worried if I contact them now that they will not want us/me to have a mortgage and yes it is in joint names but wasn't originally it was just in my name as the house I sold was mine from before he was around.

We have two cars as he insisted he needed one even though he only works locally and could go on his bike he got very depressed without a car. Seemed to be some sort of a status symbol even though its not a sports car or anything like that. His car was quite a lot less money than the one I have as "mine" is the main family car as its the towcar and bigger for the dogs etc.

He took his car and "mine" is on the drive

janb5

First of all I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time. Do not do anything in a hurry or start to `dole` out things. Get some proper advice first and don't rely on advice from friends.

You can book a free half hour with a local solicitor which may give you an insight as what your options are. It might be a good idea to talk to the children`s schools so they are aware of the stress that the children are under.


I believe your husband is visiting soon so have a list of questions and see if he is happy to talk to you and whether he is considering leaving permanently. I`m off to bed but I`m sure other more knowledgeable people can help.

auntyange

Thanks Jan

The little girls school knows and so does college for the teen, afterall how can they help them if they get upset if they don't know what is going on.

My confidence is v low, I have applied for some counselling to see if they can help me as I am struggling to cope with everything and their waiting list is weeks not months apparently.

I need to find out which solicitors do the free sessions and which ones are any good! He has taken advantage for the last time and the girls are not paying for it any more - metaphorically speaking!

Thank you

A

Mojisola

auntyange wrote: »

My husband walked out on me and two children on 29th April saying that he needed some space for a couple of days to think.

I want to give him nothing but doubt that I will get away with it - can anyone give me advise so I can prepare a bit for him coming tomorrow evening.

As you are married, that's not going to be possible.

https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ is a good site for information and support.

trailingspouse

You don't need to get counseling, you need to get angry.

ArielS

I'm just wondering if he has been spending money on himself, can you spend all money on jewelry, watches, collectible handbags, just to leave yourself 'nothing' to give him? I'm NOT an expert though. Don't do what I said yet.

TBagpuss

You are in a difficult situation and one of the hardest things to do is to separate out the emotinal reaction from the practical/legal one.

First up, any assets which either of you have go into the 'pot' to be shared out - it's fairly unusual for it to make a difference who brought what into the marriage, and even if the house were still in your sole name he would still be entitled to make a claim against it.

The start point for any division of assets is an equal split, but this is then adjusted to take into account things such as income, earning capacity, needs and needs of the children.

From what you have said, your income and your earning capacity are both lower than his. Your needs are higher, as you have 2 dependent childnre living with you, and one of those children may, as she has special needs, need greater care than the average child and/or care for a longer period, which again will potentially impact your earning capacity and your housing and other needs.

Your husband will be liable to pay child support for his daughter. Look at the CSA website to see roughly what he should pay, and try to agree that with him. If you can't agree, then consider making an application to the CSA, as they won't back date this, so if he is not paying, the sooner you get a formal application in the better. (If he is paying, either directly or by contributing to the mortgage or other outgoing, then stay away from the CSA as they do now take admin fees so you will get less than he actually pays!)

Provided that you can afford the mortgage and other outgoings from your own income, (including any benefit and child support) then it is likely for it to be reasonable for you to stay living in the house as long as your children are still in school (possibly longer, depending on the nature and effects of your daughter's disability).

if you are able to get his name off the mortgage then that gies you a bargaining point, as it is in his interests to be off the mortgage. He is still likely to be entitled to a share of the house, but you may be a ble to negotiate a smaller share if you are able to get him relaesed from the mortgage than f you cant', and in the same way, if you can raise any money to buy him out now, then you may be able to settle on a smaller paymnt than if he has a charge back entitling him to a payment when the house is ultimately sold (normally when the youngest child leaves school)

Bear in mind that this would (based on your situations) probably be less than 50% of the equity becuase of your greater needs and lower income.

Also, any other asset are also part of the pot - this includes any pensions either of you have.

If you still have any part of your inheritance in savings, not invested into the house, then keep that separate - it may be possible to argue that that should not be taken into account.

In terms of contents of the house- let him have his bike. If it is worth £500 or more than record the value to be taken into account in considering any split, but bear in mind that it is second hand value, not replacement value, which is relavant.

Also consider arranging for contact to be away from the house - it can be very confusing for you, and for children, to have him coming in and out of the house once he has left.