Elopement dilemma

cobragirl

Hi everyone,
I'm not sure what I expect from this post, I just need to offload in a "safe" environment I think.
My OH and I have decided to get married after 16 years (Yay!)
and due to complicated family situations, have decided to get married abroad with no guests. We will have a party when we return but I know people will be upset with us and I'm really confused.
My reasons for not wanting a big wedding are that I have lost my sister (we were very close) and my Dad in the last 5 years and just cannot imagine a big celebration without them. How can I have anyone other than my Dad, my hero, giving me away? It breaks my heart to think about it.
We have told hardly anybody so far, and don't know when would be a good time to break it to them. I know my mum will be very upset, and so will at least one of my other sisters. But I just can't face the wedding my mum will want.
I could go on for ages about everything I'm worrying about, but I think this post is already long enough!
Has anybody done this? Any tips?
Thank you.

tillyenna

I've not done this - but just to say CONGRATULATIONS... and I am so jealous. It sounds like an awesome wedding plan - just the two of you, which is all that really matters.


I expect family members might be stroppy for a while (we caved, and are having the wedding that they want, and they're STILL being stroppy) but in the end, they love you, and will be happy for you.


If you are having a party on your return, you could always have a blessing at the same time (from whatever religion you feel like), and then pull the 'we only wanted to do the boring legal bit abroad, this is the bit that matters' white lie to your families

Relocationrelocation

Hello, first off - congratulations! We 'eloped' in Dec 13, told the majority of people we were going on holiday and secretly got all the paperwork, visas, rings etc all organised. We did run it past our parents who were really supportive - my mum came dress shopping with me so she felt included in the process. We also had a reception when we came home, with speeches etc, so friends and family got the chance to celebrate with us. All in all, everyone was happy with how it turned out, we had a beautiful picturesque wedding in a stunning location and hot weather, zero stress and it cost a fraction of the price of a trad. wedding here. Do PM me if you would like to chat through any specifics but I am a HUGE advocate of this approach to getting hitched!

punkpink

Ooo we too are 'eloping' but no where as glamourous, we are runnin off to poole, with my brother and two bridesmaids

I love the idea of it, and its been amazing planning, but i am slightly concerned over how we will tell everyone when we get back?

No one knows a thing, apart from those involved, and we cant come up with a good way for us to tell everyone, although i secretly want to just put the photos on Fb after we return from the weekend and then hibernate for a week! OH however thinks we need to speak to everyone face to face? Do you have any ideas how to solve this?

Op have you got a plan for when you return? X

cobragirl

Thanks for replying :-)
TE, thanks. I know you're right, but it's a heart/head thing I think.
RR, I'm glad yours went well, I may get in touch regarding all of the paperwork bits.
PP, good luck with yours, it sounds great! I don't have any before or after plan. I just don't know what to do. I've shared my plans with a few people and have 1) been told off for doing something that will upset my mum 2) been told to sod everyone and do what I want.
My OH just wants to do it and tell everyone when we get back but I don't think I can do that. I'm just haven't got the guts to face people afterwards!

I'm thinking that maybe we'll book it, then tell people that we've booked a holiday to ... and then add that we're getting married while we're there. TBH I think as long as there's food and alcohol at some point most people couldn't give a hoot. Just my immediate family I'm worried about.

elsien

My friend did the Vegas thing with no guests. She told close family beforehand, and I guessed anyway. Yes family were disappointed but they put a brave face on it and concentrated on the party when they got back instead. Bottom line, it's your wedding, do it your way.

Relocationrelocation

We did the big reveal by sending out invitations to the reception whilst we were away (my sister did it for us), timed so that everyone received them once we were away - with a 'surprise'!' type message in there. No-one came out and said they were annoyed, honestly, I don't think anyone has the right.
Perhaps let your mum know that doing it this way is what you can afford and that you'd really like her help/support as it would mean the world - perhaps involve her with planning the reception? Sorry, I know this might be useless advise as everyone is different... i know my mum was a bit sad when the actual time came (despite being SUPER encouraging in the run up) but it was something we all managed to get past... and I got to wear my dress twice

punkpink

Relocation, i did think of that but was hoping to have a party the year after really for our first anniversary

Cobra, thats probably why i havnt told anyone, i dont want anyone putting a downer on our day, and how we have chosen to do it, i would say if you really dont want to do it the way your mum would want you to then dont, its your day after all and it should be how you want to do it!

I know our families are probably going to go spare at us, but by then itll be too late and we will already be married, i dont see why we should have a massive celebration as its just not what we want, small and intimate is what we decided and worrying about how people will take it will not change our minds x

Jo_F

I got married on Saturday, including me and the hubby, there were 12 of us, the only 'relations' were his mum and my kids. I still haven't told my parents about it.

We didn't want fuss, I wasn't paying to entertain people I have nothing to do with, and I definately did not want to have to involve my family.

As it was, it was a lovely day, those that came commented on how laid back and fun it was. We all even managed to fit around one table in the pub for the meal afterwards.

As and when my parents find out, I don't care if they are not happy, I don't care who gets stroppy about it, it was our day and we did it our way.

cobragirl

RR, that's a great idea! I might steal it :-) No advice is useless - it's good to hear different options when you're as confused as me! And you answered another of my questions - I was actually pondering the dress situation, and was hoping that most brides would wear their wedding dress at the party. Tick!
PP, thanks. You're absolutely right - and I'm probably making it worse in my head than it actually is!
Jo, congratulations! Your day sounds perfect. All those "wedding and funeral relatives" just drive me potty.
Thanks everyone

Floss

I would second the sending out of reception/party invitations while you are away - maybe you could consider telling your mum & sister why you are choosing to get married this way? I'm sure if you explain part of the reason is because your dad & other sister won't be there will go a long way to them understanding.

Also remember that when arranging any "do" afterwards, a "celebration party" is always cheaper than a "wedding reception"!