help and advice please

bertmuffin

Hi and thanks for reading.

Me and my wife have ongoing fertility issues. From her side having a baby is one of the things that defines her as a woman. I totally get that and it kills me that I can't a dad.

The crux of the situation is no matter what I try and do/say I never feel like I'm being supportive. I always end up putting my foot in my mouth and end up making my wife upset which is the absolute last thing I want to do.

I know this sounds stupid but how do I make her aware that no matter what I'm always going to be with her...married for better or for worse. She's my superstar, always has been, always will be.

Thanks again for reading and thanks in advance for any replies

FBaby

Ben there! I would say take all her concerns seriously listen to her actively even when she goes on and on about the same thing (even I'd you don't understand them). Go along with her demands even if you don't see the point of them unless you really don't want to and then explain to her why and remind her that you will always be there for her, that the quest to be parent is one you share for with her and that you love her just as much as when you married her. Hope for a good surprise very soon.

tea_lover

That is such a lovely post - would you feel comfortable showing it to your wife?

We've just been through our second round of IVF and one of the hardest parts (of IVF and the whole 6 years of TTC) has been not really feeling like my OH is on board. He is, but he's not one to tell me that without me having a whinge at him first.

If I'd read something like your post it would have meant the world.

I really hope things work out for you both

McKneff

tea_lover wrote: »

That is such a lovely post - would you feel comfortable showing it to your wife?

We've just been through our second round of IVF and one of the hardest parts (of IVF and the whole 6 years of TTC) has been not really feeling like my OH is on board. He is, but he's not one to tell me that without me having a whinge at him first.

If I'd read something like your post it would have meant the world.

I really hope things work out for you both

Exactly what I was thinking x

bertmuffin

Thank you all for your replies. It honestly means a lot. We've discussed going down the ivf route and we're both doing something called choose to change which is a scheme where we both lose weight and lead a generally healthy lifestyle. Not saying we're both slobs, we do walk everywhere and the dog is out all the time
If you don't mind tea lover, how hard is it to go through ivf? I've read loads about it but again, foot in mouth I don't know what to say.

Thank you all again x

tea_lover

bertmuffin wrote: »

If you don't mind tea lover, how hard is it to go through ivf? I've read loads about it but again, foot in mouth I don't know what to say.

Don't mind at all . There's a great thread on here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4890375 with lots of lovely ladies going through all sorts of different tests and treatments. If you can brave some very personal talk of ladyparts pop in and say hi!

IVF isn't great fun, but honestly it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Most of it is waiting around and having appointments for scans and things. More an issue of logistics if that makes sense.

ETA: what would have been most use to me (although of course we all deal with things differently) would just have been for OH to show an interest in what was happening - know when I've had an appt and ask how it went, do some research into treatments, etc. Just be part of it all would be by advice. Which is sounds like you are doing x.

BigAunty

There are dedicated fertility forums, including one with a 'mens room' that you might benefit from joining.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php

Morglin

bertmuffin wrote: »

Hi and thanks for reading.

Me and my wife have ongoing fertility issues. From her side having a baby is one of the things that defines her as a woman. I totally get that and it kills me that I can't a dad.

The crux of the situation is no matter what I try and do/say I never feel like I'm being supportive. I always end up putting my foot in my mouth and end up making my wife upset which is the absolute last thing I want to do.

I know this sounds stupid but how do I make her aware that no matter what I'm always going to be with her...married for better or for worse. She's my superstar, always has been, always will be.

Thanks again for reading and thanks in advance for any replies

Got no advice to give, but you sound lovely, your wife is a lucky lady, and I hope it all works out for you both.

Lin

heartbreak_star

You sound incredibly supportive, and an all-round good bloke.

I wish you and your wife well.

HBS x

LilElvis

Hi Bert,

I second all the others who have said that you ARE being a great husband.

If you want her to know that she is your superstar, then tell her. If you feel it will come out wrong, then write it in a card. Show her what you have written here too.

Bigauntys suggestion of looking on Fertility Friends is an excellent idea - it helped me so much when I was going through IVF.

I was lucky on IVF number 4 and I'm now the mummy of a gorgeous little girl. I won't say that it was easy, and it certainly wasn't cheap, but it was strangely easier than all the years of trying with disappointment every month. At least with IVF I felt like I had a real chance. My husband even 'helped' by doing my injections for me - until he bent the needle in half whilst it was in my thigh! It might not have been what we envisaged when we decided to start trying to have a family, but it means that I do truly know how lucky I am when my little girl calls out for me.

I hope it all works out well for both of you.

bertmuffin

Again, thank you all. Tea lover, the ttc thread is awesome! Feel like a bit of a numpty though... You can tell the majority of the thread is women supporting women as opposed to the blokes. Don't want to be one of those unsupportive people. Mrs has gone on holiday for the weekend so I'm going to have a sit down with her when she gets home. With all the information you guys have given me I'll be going into the conversation making a bit more sense!!

You guys are so brave and inspiring. I'm hoping down the line I can share when we start our journey just weight loss at the minute! If there is anything you guys need from me just ask even if it's an ear to listen x