When feelings run high 29 April 2014 at 2:24PM edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 7 replies 1.5K views

Nicki

I came across this article today looking at why we, as parents, often almost come to blows about differing parenting issues, and thought it was very insightful.

http://www.naturalbirthing.net

I hold my hands up and say the "home birth" debate is the one most likely to push my own buttons in the way she describes.

Nicki

Tweeps wrote: »

The issue I have with parents is those who get so embroiled in other people's parenting that they allow it to push their buttons.

Um, the article I linked to was all about why this happens, not suggesting it was a good thing that it did or anything to be proud of.

Nicki

Detected incorrectly then I'm afraid. I thought the article was interesting about what causes people to get defensive, and was admitting that I find myself feeling upset and defensive on the subject of home births having had 3 difficult hospital births (two by c section). No more or less to it than that.

Why would I boast about not having a home birth by the way? That is kind of bizarre...

NicolaB_2

I didn't read your post as in anyway inflammatory Nicki. The article is an interesting one, as I do think we all get a little defensive if people state that they parent in a different way to us, even where there is no implied criticism.

Personally, I don't think there is a 'one size fits all' approach to parenting. I am confident that the choices I make are right for me and for my children, but appreciate that they might not suit everyone. Nor do my choices make me a better or worse parent than anyone else.

It would be nice if we could live in a society where everyone's birthing and parenting choices are respected, and where people don't feel the need to criticise or judge others who do things differently.

It is rare that anything about parenting/birth pushes my buttons, although on an episode of Loose Women a couple of months ago they were having a debate about home/hospital and natural/caesarian births. Most of the comments were along the lines of 'whatever is best/safest for mum and baby' but Nadia Sawalha said that unless a pregnancy was high risk, it should be the norm to have babies at home, as birth is not a medical situation and so does not need to take place in a hospital environment.

I can see the advantages of a home birth (more control, being more relaxed in your own environment etc). However, my first pregnancy was low risk but I decided on a hospital birth as I had no idea how my body would cope with labour. That decision saved my own life, and probably that of my son too. He became extremely distressed, very quickly, mid-way through second stage and was born in a very poor state, not breathing etc and required resuscitation. I also suffered a massive post-partum haemorrhage as soon as he was delivered (the two were linked). Had I not been in hospital with a team of specialists on hand for both of us, I doubt we would be here now as neither of us would have survived long enough to make it to hospital. That does not mean that I think all births should be in hospital, but nor can I support a view that all births should take place at home.

I think that our own experiences inevitably colour our view on these subjects, and it is such an emotive subject that it is easy to see why emotions can run so high. The article is interesting as it does make you stop and think why people react in such an emotional/defensive way.

System

I look at it like this... I'm only responsible for my own decisions, not anyone elses.

If women want a home birth let them but I wouldn't because I wouldn't want the risk of anything going wrong.

pukkamum

why would anyone care what other women did or didn't do during childbirth or how anyone else parented?
Funnily enough was having a conversation with my mum on how women judge other women, i was cleaning my front step and door and we were talking about how in my nans day you were judged by how clean your front step was, mum remembers being made to donkey stone it every morning of the holidays but nobody cared how you gave birth or fed your baby.

Women will always find a way of judging other women, whether it is justified or not.

Spendless

I'm not convinced that it is to do with 'hurt' as the article says.

A few years back, I did a self development course and the tutor explained some psychology to us, one of which was the brain seeks justification that we are correct in our actions.

I think that combined with she was taking a thread off topic - it was about what was wanted on a maternity suite and nothing to do with home births and the choice of language used 'glad I had a home birth' rather than something more like I 'oh wow, I didn't realise you didn't get <whatever> in hospital as I had a home birth' meant she got the reaction she did.

peachyprice

I don't agree with the article really.

The 'problem' as I see it is that on an internet forum, where most of the judging and 'mommy wars' (yuk, horrible turn of phrase) takes place some women feel they can be far more harsh with their words than in real life because they're hiding behind their anonimity, combine that with the written word not always coming over as meant and boom, all hell breaks loose.

You just don't see the same fury and judgement at the local playgroup where mothers are speaking face to face.

Nothing deeper than that.