no to best man brother-in-law

morganedge

My sisters fiance asked me to be his bestman and I said 'no thanks'.
I said that i'm not good at organising things. I have no money (stag night duties etc) and there's no way that I could ever do a speech in front of 300 guests etc. I'd freeze up and stumble over my words etc.

He seemed a bit shocked, but carried on insisting that I did it.
I told him again that there's no way i'm doing a speech etc, and he settled for having me as 'best man' even though i'm actually just another regular guest. A pointless title, but whatever.

Now, my sister (his fiance) as well as lots of other mutual friends we all have are giving me such a hard time, and some are making me out to be the 'bad guy'.

I don't think it's really fair, but I wondered what outsiders (you) thought?

I don't feel as though i'm in the wrong! I made it clear and said 'no'. At his wishes I took the title but agreed no speeches or anything that a bestman would usually do. If they care so much I'd be MORE than happy to give the honour to someone else! Shouldn't my brother-in-law be getting the hard time for sticking with me!?!

penguinlegs

Sorry to hear that you are being hounded like this. It is nothing to do with anyone else - if your brother in law is happy with what you have both arranged ie best man in title only then that is all that matters. We had a bit of whispering when we arranged our wedding - we did it quietly and quite quickly - we'd been together 10 years and had 2 children so just wanted the legal side sorted, neither of us wanted any fuss. We had our children as bridesmaids and two family members as witnesses - the rest of the family were invited but we didn't have a massive do afterwards as I nor my husband could face being centre of attention for any longer than necessary! We had 'friends' who resented the lack of a party/speeches - one said we'd done him out of a chance to tell tales about my husband to embarrass us both - I knew the stories and there was no way I wanted my 3 and 6 year old to hear them! Good for you in standing your ground, hope someone tells your sister how selfish she is being for not thinking how this makes you feel x

Tiglath

You immediately said No and meant it. Stick to your guns and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

morganedge

Thanks. Nice to have someone on my side, lol.

Sister and her mates, among others, are mainly on my back about not doing a speech. I HAVE too, apparently.
But I'm just not a confident person, i'm afraid, and it AIN'T gonna happen!
Lots of my friends are over-confident extroverts who always want to be the centre of attention. I guess that's why they're struggling with this.
I say let one of them be best man, then!
I prefer my own company. I Despise public speaking, I don't have self-confidence, and I just wanna live life in my comfort zone.

I know i'll get a lot more stick on the day, but i'm just looking forward to
getting it all out of the way so I can finally hear the end of it!

cheers

Auntie-Dolly

You sound very confident and self assured. You were honest about it from the start and you should be applauded for that. So many people feel unable to say 'no' to things and it ends up in a big mess so well done to you. Stick to your guns - tell them you've made your position clear and it's no longer up for discussion.

Bennifred

Why did your future brother-in-law ask you - are you close friends? Has he not got a brother/ cousin / friend who could be his best man and save you from a job you don't want?

morganedge

Bennifred wrote: »

Why did your future brother-in-law ask you - are you close friends? Has he not got a brother/ cousin / friend who could be his best man and save you from a job you don't want?

We're fairly close. Been friends for about a decade. He has a brother.
We also have about 30(?) very close mutual friends. Was hoping he'd ask one of them!

celticcurl

You made your position clear so you are not at all at fault. But if you do want to compromise - if you have ICT skills, could you put together a photo and caption presentation? Assuming the venue has the projection facilities. Not saying you should just if you want.

Mojisola

morganedge wrote: »

I said that i'm not good at organising things. I have no money (stag night duties etc) and there's no way that I could ever do a speech in front of 300 guests etc. I'd freeze up and stumble over my words etc.

Now, my sister (his fiance) as well as lots of other mutual friends we all have are giving me such a hard time, and some are making me out to be the 'bad guy'.

Do you think this is a misunderstanding - you turned down the role because you'd hate to do it while your sister has interpreted your refusal as "he's not interested in my wedding and doesn't care about me, etc".

Would offering to do something like celticcurl suggests show her that you're happy to help with the wedding, just not as best man?

morganedge

Mojisola wrote: »

Do you think this is a misunderstanding - you turned down the role because you'd hate to do it while your sister has interpreted your refusal as "he's not interested in my wedding and doesn't care about me, etc".

Would offering to do something like celticcurl suggests show her that you're happy to help with the wedding, just not as best man?

I DO think that that is a part of it, at a guess.
Although I did state my reasons fairly clearly I thought.
Like I said, I think they also find it hard to understand me not wanting to do a speech and stuff, as they are all so confident.
I don't have ICT skills and I certainly won't do any kind of presentation.

I also get the impression that my brother-in-law still expects me to surprise him on the day with a kick-a$$, charismatic speech, despite everything i've said. ''He'll come good on the day'' type thing!! lol.

redcard

You either accept the role or don't accept the role. Being best man in name only is going to make for an extremely uncomfortable wedding day.

If you've got 30 'very close' friends then you're going to have to do something for the stag night.