Am I bailing Dad out?

NHS_worker_bee

^ well said pmlindyloo.

Could you direct your father to the MSE website - specifically the 'Are you in debt crisis' page? This could be a starting point for an open and constructive dialogue - but as others have said, this is his debt not your joint debt. I'm not being mean, just truthful, you have your whole future ahead of you and whilst it's great you want to support your Dad, you needn't carry his burden on your own shoulders to do this. You can support him by being practical, objective, and giving him the reality check he needs to make realistic plans for a happy future for himself and his partner, allowing you to live your own life once you've graduated

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

SophiaMerry

Hi guys,
Thanks for all the advice. In light of the comments, I'm actually resolved to move in with Dad, pay rent and get on with things. As you said, I'm a big girl, and if I do need/want to move out in future, I'm sure I can find the steel in my spine. I really appreciated everyone's comments but also (perhaps out of loyalty) find the lack of empathy amongst some respondents somewhat surprising. I realise my Dad is in a far from ideal position financially, but even I don't know what prompted him to take out that loan way back when. He certainly isn't the fast car-driving type. The reasons for his being in debt are far from clear-cut.
In answer to someone's question, no, his girlfriend and he are extremely unlikely to ever get married.

SophiaMerry

Mods, is it possible to get this thread deleted? As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am the OP but had to re-join due to accidentally infringing the username conditions.

January20

OP don't take people's comment as being overly harsh but as comments from people who've been around the block a few times. I posted from the point of view of my own experience. Only yesterday I was reminded again how money matters can sour a relationship. (Real life experience and nort my story to put on a public forum).

You are right: you are a grown up and will do what you want but you asked for advice and the beauty of an online forum is that people don't tell you just what they think you want to hear as RL friends may do.

BigAunty

January20 wrote: »

OP don't take people's comment as being overly harsh but as comments from people who've been around the block a few times. .

I second this attitude, too. Take the info from the posts that chime with you and ignore the rest.

Having said that, I didn't find the posts that you find lacking in empathy to be particularly judgemental or cruel or so insulting that the thread should be pulled (though do contact the moderators if you feel that forum rules have been breached).

Like others, when I read the thread, I was shocked by your father's behaviour and expectations and how uncritical you are towards his having his cake and eating it/lifestyle behaviour.

Are there perhaps emotional or psychological reasons why he has no appetite to seek employment which is the pretty standard way most people pay off their mortgages, such as stress, depression, anxiety or physical illness?

I was bought up in what would be called now a working poor family and some decades ago, too. My parents attitude towards budgeting, debt and credit were absolute. They expressly have zero sympathy for anyone in debt or what they regard as living beyond their means.

I was therefore bought up in an atmosphere with very harsh attitudes towards finance and one where having employment, any employment, was a source of pride and anyone shunning work or being fussy about the type of job was regarded as lacking work ethic and lazy.

There is absolutely no way my parents would have sought early retirement before their mortgage was fully paid off or have taken a loan without something to show for it (in fact, they were loan averse and would just save up towards a new car, for example).

They would never contemplate asking anyone for a bail out - my parents would probably prefer to crawl through broken glass than so much as cadge a fiver off their children.

When I moved back with them between selling and buying a new property, they scoffed when I offered to pay them rent and took a pitiful token sum off me towards bills, though graciously accepted me cooking some nice meals for them. They would never charge commercial rent to any relatives staying with them.

So the type of attitudes and background I have outlined perhaps explains why you got some unexpected responses that weren't as empathic as hoped.

To be honest, if my silver surfer mother ever opened up a user account on MSE, I think she'd be PPRd within days by posting what she would posit as 'common sense' and others would find judgemental, bordering on spiteful. Welcome to my world.

-taff

SophiaMerry wrote: »

I really appreciated everyone's comments but also (perhaps out of loyalty) find the lack of empathy amongst some respondents somewhat surprising.

Your first post contained this info

SophiaMerry wrote: »

1) I don't want to be living there if he does have to sell the house or is repossessed...
2) He doesn't seem to have the will to exert himself in order to reduce the debt...
3) I don't know how to recommend that he goes back to work...


I don't want to be treated like a mug or sacrifice my own finances for his sake, when I have a foundation for my future life to lay down. Does that make me selfish?....

They set the tone for the 'lack of empathy' [for your dad] that followed.

PlymouthMaid

You sound like a lovely caring thoughtful daughter but also in danger of being used by your Dad a bit. He needs to sort these things out himself without involving you financially. Maybe you could help him get two lodgers as well as suggesting some part time work to him as he is young to have retired without the necessary income for his lifestyle. You really do not want him relying on you financially as at some point you will no doubt wish to live alone or with a partner and then he will find it even harder.

SophiaMerry

Hi again,
It wasn't actually because of the replies that I wanted to know if the thread could be pulled- I realised there's quite a lot of identifiable info in the OP. If I were to direct Dad to the MSE website, it'd be somewhat difficult if he were to stumble across the thread.

I do appreciate the objective advice of people who have no vested interests in the situation. This is the reason I chose to post the dilemma in a public forum. And the majority of the advice has been very kind and understanding. All of it has been well intended. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful.

theoretica

If the rent your dad wants to charge you is fair, and he is talking of getting another lodger too, then surely he would not be worse off if you decide against moving in with him? All he would need to do is rent out the room you would have had to a lodger who isn't you. You mention an ensuite room and imply a nearby university - it shouldn't be too hard.

bess1234_2

You do sound a very caring thoughtful daughter. If you teach your dad to stand on his own two feet you are helping him more than if you bail him out. He could end up much better off.