Am I bailing Dad out?

Fruit_and_Nut_Case

EccentricRavenJewellery wrote: »

Hi guys,

I thought I'd pop on for some advice.

<snip>

Nothing to add advice-wise but I just wanted to say what a pleasure it was to read your post. Well punctuated, good spelling, plenty of white-space. What a joy to a grammar-nazi like me.

I wish you and your dad all the best in the future.

SophiaMerry

Hi Fruit and Nut Case,
I'm always happy to oblige! Thanks all for the advice. I'm going to sit down with Dad and find out a little bit more about what level of debt we're talking.

dancingfairy

Whilst it may be difficult now, what would happen if you wanted to move out? It may become even more difficult as he would be accustomed to the money and you may feel even more guilty. If it is going to work for you both then fine but it needs to work for both parties otherwise you may end up feeling resentful.
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27col

It sounds to me as if the op's father retired without the slightest concern as to whether he could actually afford to and without any financial plan in place for the future. To think that he can rely on his daughter to bail him out of the problems caused by his bad decision is completely unreasonable. He needs a wake up call and some serious advice as to the options that he has, in order to mitigate his problems.
You do not need to talk to him about the level of debt "we" are facing. You need to talk to him about the level of debt "he" is facing.

-taff

He made a decision at the time based on his projected income, and you also made a decision based on your then circumstances.

Now everything has chaged, as it does, so you'll have to re-evalusae your own circumstances and explain to him that it doesn't make economic sense for you to live with him anymore.

And that unfortunately, he is now the master of his own destiny, and must change his circumstnces to fit his financial obligations himself.

Mojisola

He's 58 - he's in debt - he needs to sort out his own debts and get a job, not put pressure on you to rescue him!

Stay where you're happy living now and support him while he faces up to his debts but don't keep rescuing him or you'll never be able to live your own independent life.

7roland8

Yes what happens when you graduate and get a job? Will you look for any job close to home just to be able to rent a room from Dad?

Also you may soon have a partner and want to move in together - or will you insist he lives with your Dad too? Do you see how things will change - your Dad cannot depend on your financial support and the sooner you both realise the better for both of you.

dreamdreamer

My immediate concern on reading this is that by moving in with your dad you encourage his financial reliance on you, and that's going to make it very emotionally difficult when you want to move out again, which you will at some point. You're not going to be living in the house for the next 12 years while he services his mortgage and loan. He needs to be able to manage these independently of your decisions. Likewise a gift of a few grand is not going to make much dent in a mortgage or loan that still has 12 years left to run. Your dad needs to go back to work while he still has a mortgage and secured loan to pay off.

My dad is 54 and had always planned to retire at 55, was overpaying pension and mortgage to allow this, however my mum got ill and couldn't work, so his pension overpayments stopped and now he'll have to work until he's at least 60. It's not what he wanted but that's life unfortunately. Things change.

This is not to say you shouldn't move in if it works for you both, but it sounds like it doesn't work as well for you as your current circumstances and I fear you'd be boxing yourself in for your future.

January20

EccentricRavenJewellery wrote: »

Hi guys,


Obviously I am not moving in with Dad purely out of the goodness of my heart; it has benefits for me too (at the risk of sounding very mercenary- Dad and I have discussed these benefits)
- Even though I'll be paying more than I am at my relatives', I'll still be paying less than a flat of my own
- I will have the comfort of knowing Dad's safe in his home in his old age
- Other things being equal, when the time comes, I will have a property of my own to live in/raise some capital/rent out (I'm Dad's only biological child and while I think he will leave something to my elder stepsister, I don't anticipate him leaving her half of everything).

You may think so but: Is your father still married to your mother? And if he not, what if he decided to get married to the long time girlfriend in another city? I don't think you should make your decision on the possibility of a future inheritance of the property. (Indeed what if in his old age your father needed full time care? The property may have to be sold to pay for such care)

pmlindyloo

When you first made your 'agreement' you were in a totally different position. You had a partner and were expecting to move in with them.

Things have changed since then.

If you will forgive me for saying this but I think you may be worrying too much about your dad. He may seem old to you ( I felt the same at your age!) but as someone who is somewhat older than your dad I must assure you that he isn't! You are viewing him as if you need to 'protect him'. You don't. He has a girl friend. He has retired early. He has choices. In short, he is a grown man who needs to sort himself out.

You are young and sound very caring but in danger of living your life with a dad who will become more and more reliant on your presence/financial assistance. The longer you live there the more difficult you will find it to leave because of your 'guilt' at leaving him. It may even become a kind of emotional blackmail. This often arises when one partner is left alone, whether through separation or death.

You need to live your own life. Things change all the time.

Certainly help out financially if you want. Email him debt advice/or not. Just do not reverse the roles of his becoming the child and you the adult because this is what you are in danger of doing.