Is this the end? Should I bit the bullet?

clarebear

I don't really know where to begin - I have been married for 10 years next month, been with my husband for almost 13 years now. We have always had a great relationship. Last year, he had a wobble, wondered how he felt, etc, and then after about 10 days, just realised he was really stressed with work (runs his own business) and had allowed his perspective and work/homelife balance to be screwed up.

Anyway, things have been great til 10 days ago. He went on a stag weekend. Before he went, he told me how special I was, how he was looking forward to going, but also looking forward to seeing me when he got back. I missed him dreadfully, but counted down til he got back.

Anyway, he was slightly reserved when he got back, but I put that down to being tired, not wanting to come back to the real world (especially as he hasn't had a break from the business in almost 3 years) etc - that usual post holiday feeling. As the week went on, he just wouldn't communicate. I finally challenged him on Monday and he said that he felt he didn't miss me while he was away. He was worried that he no longer felt anything for me anymore. He promised me that nothing had happened with anyone else whilst he was away, and not defending him, but I actually do believe him.

The thing is I do really understand about his work pressures - money has been really tight whilst setting up the business, as expected, plus time has been scarce. We haven't really had any time together on our own without our 2 girls (6 and 4) for several months apart from the odd meal out. When we did have the opportunity to be alone for the weekend, his brother decided to come up and stay. I also know it is hard for him to take time off, but feel if he could take time out to go away on stag weekend, surely I am not out of order for asking for a bit of effort on his part to spend time with his family. In one of my crosser moments, I did say that how could he hope to feel part of the family if he makes no effort to spend time with us all?

I want to show him that effort on both our parts to make time for each other is the only way, yet cannot seem to get that through to him. He confuses me with giving me cuddles in bed, kissing me goodnight, etc. He did go through a stage of being intolerant with me, but I did challenge him on that and he admitted he was wrong.

It just seems so strange to happen over such a short space of time. Cards he has written me not long before he went, little things that make it very hard for me to believe he really no longer wants me. Today is a particularly bad day, especially as we are going to his parents for the weekend, although going out together on Sat night.

I just don't know how to be - try and be the loving wife, just keep my distance... he won't entertain the idea of counselling. He won't speak to anyone about it. I don't want to discuss it with my family, as I don't want a "here we go again" thing. I am just desperate to know what to do. Yesterday I was positive, because I started to try and think about what happens if he does decide it's over, how I'll manage, where to live, etc. although he doesn't like to talk about it. Today, just feels horrendous. Do I just make life easy for him and leave or should I make him face things and stop being a coward?

Sorry for the long post! Just needed to vent somewhere!

barnaby69

How is the sex life between you both? Do you just go though the motions?

clarebear

Great before the trip. Certainly not going through the motions. Since he came back, it's happened twice, on the day following his return and even that felt passionate.

Mind you, going to work at 4am and coming home at 9 doesn't really help either. He is literally eating then sleeping then going to work. I know he's not working to avoid me because his workload is horrendous - I work in the business so can maybe appreciate that he can't just say, time's up I'm off.

TheWaltons_3

clarebear wrote: »

Great before the trip. Certainly not going through the motions. Since he came back, it's happened twice, on the day following his return and even that felt passionate.

Mind you, going to work at 4am and coming home at 9 doesn't really help either. He is literally eating then sleeping then going to work. I know he's not working to avoid me because his workload is horrendous - I work in the business so can maybe appreciate that he can't just say, time's up I'm off.

He is overworked, overtired and for what? What does he get out of it? If he is just working to live, that's no life and no wonder he's like this.

My husband was the same. I never used to see him. I made him wind his business down for the sake of me and the kids and we get on much better.

You can't give up on him yet, no way, that's not fair. He sounds like either a workaholic or someone who hasn't got anyone to share his workload with - is it his business?

clarebear

It is half his business - he has a business partner. He takes the most control of the business though, while the business parter runs the operation. I just can't get to him, I think which is so frustrating.

Last time when this happened, it was me chatting to his mum, who then rang him and made him talk and confront things. I guess I am secretly hoping that it will happen again when we visit. He listens to his mum, I know. But he has been avoiding talking to her - not spoken to her in over 2 weeks now. Usually he does that because he doesn't want to face somthing and I guess in this case, it is similar.

I don't want to give up on him. I sent a little present to him yesterday, just to remind him that I am here for him. At least I don't have to pretend too much in front of our girls as he isn't here!

TheWaltons_3

clarebear wrote: »

It is half his business - he has a business partner. He takes the most control of the business though, while the business parter runs the operation. I just can't get to him, I think which is so frustrating.

Last time when this happened, it was me chatting to his mum, who then rang him and made him talk and confront things. I guess I am secretly hoping that it will happen again when we visit. He listens to his mum, I know. But he has been avoiding talking to her - not spoken to her in over 2 weeks now. Usually he does that because he doesn't want to face somthing and I guess in this case, it is similar.

I don't want to give up on him. I sent a little present to him yesterday, just to remind him that I am here for him. At least I don't have to pretend too much in front of our girls as he isn't here!

You'd be fine if you had some time to yourselves. Running a business is hard and men worry more than women in some respects, that they've got a family they need to look after.. they do this by working hard, yet forget that it is just as important to relax and spend quality time with their partners.

pinkshoes

He sounds exhausted, and is under immense pressure from himself (to support his family) for this business to succeed. My dad was just the same. I rarely saw him because he left for work at 6am before i got up, came home for 30 mins in the evening and joined us for an evening meal, then often went back to work. We never took holidays coz he was too busy, and i had 4 holidays in 18 years! When i was 18 he had a quadruple heart bypass, and suffered some sort of stroke during the operation, which caused him to forget most of his memories from when me and my bro were younger. He was told by the doctor to give up work (aged 50) or die from a heart attack. He bitterly regrets not spending much more time with me and my brother when we were growing up, and would give anything to turn back the clock. I realised aged 18, when nursing my dad after the operation, that i knew very little about him!!! Am pleased I got the chance to know him better when i was older!!

From reading your post I saw alarm bells ringing, and your OH will most likely live to regret missing out so much of your daughters lives and watching them grow up! I think you need to INSIST on taking a family holiday. The 4 of you should go away for a week, even if it's just renting a cottage in scotland or something (cheap!!).

clarebear

Thanks everyone for all your comments; it helps to get a bit of perspective, I guess.

We do have a week booked in August, although he doesn't seem to want to commit to going. He keeps saying we'll see how the weekend goes. He does say he is looking forward to spending time with us at the weekend. Does put quite a bit of pressure on this weekend though!

Ironically we were due to have a big anniversary bash at beginning of september!

I know what you are saying about the girls - he forgot various things they were doing this week and says he does feel bad about that. I have tried to get him to at least call them when he's not going to be home and he has done that once this week.

Shambler

Poor you,it is no surprise that he is down, working so many hours under so much pressure.

He sounds like a very loyal man who is torn between 2 partners, you and the business.

Is there some reason why he would devote so much of himself to the business, maybe he has had a past business failure?

Maybe him and his partner could consider getting a third partner, or the other partner could take on more responsibility.

I hope his mum can help you bring him round to reassess where his priorities should lie.

Best wishes.

belfastgirl23

I'd say that you need to point out to him that given the pressure he's under, this is no time to make any big life decisions. It can be very hard to identify what you're actually feeling. It's entirely possible he didn't miss you when he was away because let's face it when would he have seen you when he was there? If he would have been at work anyway then it's no different.

There are two options here. One is that he takes some time out from work to spend with you and the girls and give him a chance to think about how he feels. The other is that he recognises that he's under a lot of pressure and that he isn't therefore emotionally stable and should set aside any of these thoughts about how he feels about you etc for a period of time till the business stabilises. Is it worth giving him carte blanche from now till the holiday as long as he commits to going on it? Would freeing him up mentally to focus on the business be worth it? I know it will be the impact on your girls that you'll be worried about but really this might be a longer term solution...

Good luck!

clarebear

I think that is probably a good idea - I hadn't really thought about pointing out to him that he is not in the best frame of mind to make such choices. I have put things in place in the last day or two to try and recruit someone who can take some of the responsibility from the business, although that takes time!

I just hope that I can keep up the
a) appearance to everyone else that things are ticking along OK and
b) support for him without getting upset/frustrated/angry with him.