Feeling lost about a relationship

Taboos

Yet another regular with a new nick to protect the innocent.

Been with my partner for 6 years now and feeling under valued and struggling to come to terms with mental illness even if now supposedly cured. Love them to bits but cannot see a way into the future with how they currently are.

They are not originally from the UK and arent white but was in the UK long before I met them. I have a reasonably good job, they worked in catering and hated it, especially the unsocial/ random hours they had to do so after 2.5 years together we agreed they'd give up work and go to uni to pursue their dream area of work.

We moved from London to a small town an hour by train outside of London. Initially struggled a little fitting in/ making friends as a mature student, one of the very few non-british and non-white students in the class but despite that is doing well in their course but still no real friends in the town.

I work in central London and so have a 2 hour commute every day and nearly £500 in travel costs to cover on top of the uni fees and everything else.

All they do is study, travel to see friends etc. Dont pay any bills, dont organise anything, dont sort anything, doesnt manage their bank accounts or insurances. Despite not working at all, not even during the 23 weeks of holiday a year a cleaner does all the housework, laundry etc. All they do is study and have fun.

I on the other am out the house 14 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. Come home to having to deal with everything else in running the house etc.

Last year they had a "psychotic episode" believed everything was a CIA plot against them to frame them as a terrorist including me. Thankfully Bupa was very quick to respond and the medicines did their job quickly. After 6 months it was decided everything was now ok and the drugs were stopped over the course of 3 months and have now been off them for 3 months.

Whilst there are no major relapses they still are "uncertain" about what happened during the months it was at its worse and still believes certain things "weren't right" and still maintains certain things were said and done which I know some werent and am 99.99999% sure others werent (eg a neighbour saying that her family were being held hostage in the house on the other side of the road and all she had to do was confess to have them released)

During this time a lot of accusations were thrown at me, a lot of very hurtful things said and whilst I know they were ill and not in their right mind it still sticks and the fact there is no recognition to what I had to go through I dont like either. I have tried to raise this before and it ended up with them just rechallenging if I actually did or did not say things or asking how I can actually prove I'm not CIA etc. Says they dont believe I am but I cant prove I'm not causes doubts.

Since being ill there has been much more arguments about others being racist or xenophobic towards her. Anytime that I dont blindly agree and declare that we will never see that friend/ relative/ shop again then its followed by an immediate thing about going back home as I am on the reason they are in this country and if I wont support & defend them they have to go.

Bedroom life was odd on so many levels when they were ill, since getting better that has returned to normal when it happens but it almost never does now.

I'm no looker by any stretch of the imagination but I am fairly intelligent, often told I'm funny and earn a good living. It does mean I get the occasional offer and historically its been a flash of the wedding ring and a straight no. The other day for the first time ever I had to stop and think before saying no; I didnt like that it happened and I dont like me for it. The answer was no but for a second I was thinking maybe.

I dont know where to go? I do love them, I believe they love me but the constant arguments, the constant threats of going home, the memory of the last year, the being responsible for everything is all just weighing too much now and isnt what I signed up for when we got married.

marisco_2

Taboos wrote: »

I dont know where to go? I do love them, I believe they love me but the constant arguments, the constant threats of going home, the memory of the last year, the being responsible for everything is all just weighing too much now and isnt what I signed up for when we got married.

Considering all that you are coping with and have gone through I am not surprised you feel this way. People can only take so much before the pressure of it all feels too great to handle and overcome. Would you consider counselling either as a couple or just for yourself? Some people find it beneficial. Do you have friends that you can turn to as an outlet for all the understandable pressure and anxiety you must have? Don't cut yourself off and become isolated from those who could support you. I am sorry to hear of your troubles and hope others will be along shortly to offer more advice to you.

Taboos

marisco wrote: »

Do you have friends that you can turn to as an outlet for all the understandable pressure and anxiety you must have?

Not really, I've always moved around a lot plus outside of work I am a listener which makes me a good friend once made but more challenging to make friends.

The few I did have we've either drifted apart over time or they and my partner didnt get on at all (I fully accept they were an acquired taste kind of people plus even if we were still friends they were more the ones to have a laugh with than spill your heart and soul to).

Only child, for all intents and purposes, and kept distant from family by a controlling mother who I stopped talking to years ago.

I have never had a very high opinion of counselling and not sure how good they will actually be esp given the background of mental illness

HPoirot

Studying, going out, etc, are you sure they are not doing drugs, hence the episode? Would explain the lingering paranoia and the attitude too.

Taboos

HPoirot wrote: »

Studying, going out, etc, are you sure they are not doing drugs, hence the episode? Would explain the lingering paranoia and the attitude too.

Very much dont think so, very strong anti-drug culture where they're from. Really doesnt drink and "going out" normally involves a coffee shop followed by an art gallery and then dinner which if pushing the boat out is with 1 glass of wine but most the time just soft drinks.

They did a "soft drug" once 4 years ago with my knowledge, vomited and didnt like most of the sensation.

As an aside, I was really surprised many of the students really do hardly ever drink. Not like how it was in my day!

PlymouthMaid

Has your partner nearly completed uni now? Are they planning on gettign a job when complete? From what you have said, unless things change it sounds like an unsustainable relationship with increasing resentment building on your part.

HPoirot

They may want to consider getting a part time job as do many students.

It seems you are more their keeper than anything else at the moment. I think a bit of independence - not the socialising but the actual earning - and taking on responsibilities on their part is needed here, it could help with their sense of being lost and your relationship too. From what you describe this seems to have morphed into a parent - child relationship which cannot be healthy.

Taboos

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

Has your partner nearly completed uni now? Are they planning on gettign a job when complete?

They certainly want to work, but in their field of interest rather than going back to catering on NMW. They arent sure if they want to freelance and hope to build it up into a company or just become an employee for someone else.

In the work placement they were one of 10 students there and by far did the best but struggled with the pace/ volume of work expected of them (and the employees who were doing similar). At the moment its pushing them to want to go freelance to "work at own pace" but I am not 100% convinced they'll be so good at the business/sales side (nor are they) or that they have the dedication to create the volume required to make it viable and not get distracted by Facebook or Pinterest etc.

I fear self employment becomes an expensive hobby that occasionally makes token bits of money that doesnt cover costs as we already have a whole room full of items from a prior idea that was given up on but we can cross that bridge next year after the course is completed (currently on the boarderline of 1st and 2.1)

Taboos

HPoirot wrote: »

not the socialising

Just to clarify, its not that they are a party animal. They meet up with friends probably 3 times a fortnight other than when the "season" is on for shows/ exhibitions etc for her chosen field and then its a bit more. Never home after 11pm and thats with the 2hrs it takes to get back from London.

When not out together nor with their friends then a lot of time is spent speaking to friends or family from back home on the internet

PlymouthMaid

Unfortunately they way of the world is that we often have to work in jobs which are not our favoured choice unless somebody else is willing to keep us. I suppose you will have to see how things pan out when they graduate as they may well just coast along otherwise.

I know that isnt the only factor in your post but I think it is quite important as other aspects of life such as mental illness, bedroom etc are all bound up with feelings of self worth and resentment on both sides.