Why am I such an idiot.

Puddylove

You're not an idiot; we all need to practice to reach perfection, and you are practising at debt repayment. :j

Ten grand repaid is pretty good going though - well done. :beer:

cmcavon

This is your first step, posting on here!

I've been similar to you, continued using credit when I knew damn well what I was doing! Cut cards up only to request replacements to book holidays etc.

But I'm on track now albeit slowly. I find logging on here every day or two keeps me focused.

Like you I can't talk to family about my debts but I have my hubby and two friends who know. This forum is great too for making you realise you're not alone.

Focus and be determined, you will get there x

BillJones

There's little mileage in asking "why", the answer will be the standard things, that pleasure now for pain later feels worth it, in the moment, but horrible later. It's the same reason people get fat, fail exams, or smoke, and the routes out will tend to be similar; practical ones.

So, you pay your bills on payday. You give yourself "pocket money", you do not smoke, you keep a spending diary, and so on.

Each step helps, each step makes a difference, and the mistakes, well, you choose to make each one, and each one matters. Slipping up on a Monday is not an excuse to write that week off and stop trying on the Tuesday. Every pound spent matters, and every pound saved matters.

You aren't going to have a personality change overnight, so you just have to do practical things, and you'll get there, eventually.

20aday

Trust me, you are not an idiot. You are human and you've come this far... You acknowledge you have a problem and that's the first step... It isn't easy to admit to, but you've done it!

I, too, am suffering from depression and currently undergoing CBT. Some days I can feel on top of the World and almost "human" then I can relapse and wonder why anybody would give me the time of day.

I wish I'd had the b@lls to repay my debts I'd accrued when I was 18/19... I stupidly thought certain people in my life would like me more if I took out credit and treated them to things like nights over in hotels etc when looking back they didn't like me at all and, in fact, they were toxic for me!

Paying back one third of your debt is a HUGE achievement and you've done brilliantly! Whenever you feel low, think to yourself: "I've paid £10k, fantastic! I can do it and I will do it."

Through no fault of your own you've had to seek a new job elsewhere... You saw the chance to escape a bad situation but you've found a job you enjoy and hopefully it'll lead to better earnings... and I hope it does for you.

When I was 18/19 and ended up taking the Debt Management route I couldn't believe I'd nearly be 30 before it fell off my credit files.... had it not been for this website and certain posters I would've never realised two of my creditors hadn't followed the correct procedures; rather than six months of waiting for AP markers to be removed it would've been TWO years ago!

Every day is a step.... It's easy for me to say but take each day one at a time... You've come this far and YOU can do it!!

And if you ever want to talk.... I'm happy to listen. Plenty of people have listened to me over the years and I'd like to "pay it forward."

freeman3030

I read this and felt for you. I'm not in your situation but I have borrowed from family to buy a car, to go on holiday... I was always 'treating myself' because I thought it would make me happy at the time, but because you then owe people because of it, it actually makes you feel worse. So next time you want to buy something, tell yourself that you know you'll feel guilty and instead of buying something, pay for something that you owe.
I struggled to keep organised and that affected keeping your finances under control. Now I write lists for everything and and am super organised! It's changed me completely and I now save rather than borrow for things I want/need.
It can feel so overwhelming as you feel like you still owe so much, but also reflect on how much you've already paid off. Be proud for achieving a £10k repayment so far!
Good luck!

punto01

Thanks guys for all your nice messages. It is nice to know I am not alone with the relapsing!

Sorry my waffling was a bit confusing - I have a full time job which pays less and I also have something part time - fitness classes - which I am hoping will take off and increase my income so I can pay off some of the smaller debts and get myself organised and have some emergency savings!

I have dealt with debt charities before so always think they are great. My new plan is with Payplan - on the phone they were saying I should go for an IVA as my DMP payments are so low but as I am hoping to increase those eventually and get things paid off I would prefer to keep with the DMP as I like the flexibility to do that.

It just feels like a long hard slog and I have paid off £10k but that figure would have been higher if I had kept on the right path.

During my CBT we have talked about the depression causing my mad spending when I was younger and because I feel such intense guilt about it but he said that as I was "under the influence" of depression I wasn't in my right mind etc. I understand that but I also feel like it is making excuses.

My parents know about a small amount of it not all of it. I feel that my friends can be a bit judgmental so I don't tell them much about it.

I feel very sad and regretful that I am now stuck in this situation. But I will keep trying to get sorted and get things paid off while still having some kind of life! One of my goals would be to save up to have a holiday and to move out which is a long way off. I haven't had a holiday for years and it's really difficult when people ask you about holidays!!

Well I was very stressed yesterday as my 2 payday loans were due but I emailed them and said about the DMP - one of them came back straight away and the other was not so helpful. The 2nd one actually caused my bank fraud department to ring me as they were trying to take multiple small amounts (no money in the account anyway) and so I very awkwardly skirted round why. And cancelled my card just to make sure. Main thing that worries me is that these companies will ring and harrass me all the time!

good_advice

Good morning Punto
It is a bran new day and a fresh start. The sun is shining down on us.
One of my faverote sayings at the moment is that we just have to keep trying. Little steps or 15 minutes at a time.

Begin with doing some kind things for your mother. She is helping you so look after her. Do some of the choirs today. Say something nice.

You have made some mistakes. Gosh! havent we all.
Everyone falls down, we have to get up and keep on lliving/ doing our best.

Write down your bills and spend some time thinking before you part with any cash.
It will be life changing. Takes time and comitment.You have to want to change or the spending cycle will begin again.

Good luck for your journey.

heartbreak_star

Try and get yourself a new basic bank account - that way the PDL people definitely can't take your money!

Good luck.

HBS x

dreamdreamer

You're definitely not alone. Depression and spending seem to go hand in hand for a lot of people. I know I racked up my 16k of debt in the 2 years that I was most depressed. I knew it was bad and I desperately wanted to start getting rid of the debt, would make plans to pay stuff off etc, but like you as soon as I had any money would blow it and then regret it. I also got into the payday loan cycle and it almost broke me emotionally, so stressful!

Keep up with the CBT, it really helped me when medication and normal "talk therapy" seemed to do nothing. I have quite a practical mind and hate talking so CBT made a lot of sense to me and I still apply the techniques I learned to things now, even though I haven't suffered with depression for over 5 years.

Once your head is a bit more straight and you're happier you'll find your willpower matches your desire to be debt free. You've already paid off 10k, a massive achievement, and the rest will come.

In the meantime keep posting!

Dreamer x

P.S I'm about to turn 30 too, that's depressing by itself!:rotfl:

FireWyrm

punto01 wrote: »

. I feel that my friends can be a bit judgmental so I don't tell them much about it.

Dollars to doughnuts, they're in the same fix. It seems to be a neverending theme in our modern western society. In times past, people earned money to live, there was no frivolous spending at all and there simply wasnt the choice of things to buy, food and clothing being about the limit. Now, we have so much choice, so many enticements that it is impossible to escape or ignore them all. We are bombarded with daily messages from all sides that we are somehow deficient in our lives if we dont have the latest this or that. I put most of it down to the advent of TV, that was when it all started. Funnily enough, since we got rid of TV back in November, it has become so much easier to stick to budgets and not to go spending on anything. Times were, we used to go into town every weekend - just because we were bored at home, but now, getting rid of the TV has sort of retrained us to find other pursuits to occupy us and now, we find we have very little time for going into town. We do buy food, which is planned. Clothes come from the internet, but are also planned. We dont watch TV and so are not bombarded by advertising all the time.

It seems in our society, that the more we have, the more we want and the more unhappy we are if we dont spend something every day. I wonder how much of that is simply years of advertising conditioning? I bet the depression you are feeling has nothing to do with being depressed about something tangible, but more to do with the vague sense that something is 'wrong' with your life. Ask yourself what you need and what you do not have...is there anything you truly are struggling without and really need? I assume you have a roof over your head, clothes in your closet and food in your stomach...what more do you truly require and why is it making you depressed? Answering those question will most likely go at least some way to solving your depression problems. It isnt easy - if it was, we would not have a consumer driven society, but it certainly seems to be easier to change your perspective once you are no longer bathed in advertising all the time.