Old, fat, and super unhappy

Legacy_user

Hi Everyone,

I am writing this to try and garner some alternative opinions and just general thoughts.

My wife and I have been together 12+ plus years and I am now in my late 30s. Words cannot describe how unhappy I am in my current relationship. To be blunt we have not had sex in any form for over 18 months. No matter what I try, I get minimal interaction from my wife. It's all talk and no action. I have spent thousands on weekends away just to have a nice time but there is always a reason not to be intimate. It is not even interaction but just closeness and empathy that I crave.

The problem is that I am very much a "walk on the wild side" and getting my freak on is kind of second nature to me. Free wheeling kinky love was the order of the day in my youth. Kinky is my second name and there is little I haven't tried.

This in itself is not the biggest issue. I seem to always be in the wrong. I do have Aspergers syndrome so I do not fully understand the more normal people and do not understand the nuances of interaction. I have tried, and keep getting told that I do not read peoples tones correctly (I read it mostly as being shouted at. That sentiment/feeling only comes from my wife. Every other interaction seems to be ok.)

In short I am very unhappy in my situation but am super attached to the animals in my life. I have options to disappear to Australia for 6 months if I want to but I cannot bring myself to end the relationship. I feel a compulsion to make sure everyone comes out ok if we do split, even though I pay all the bills and some of my wifes bills. I keep getting told that if we split she will be homeless but on over £30K a year one should be able to survive. I frequently offer trips to far flung places on my dime but there is always a reason not to do it. The same occurs Saturday night. I just don't see an solution. My Saturday night would be a nice night out doing something interesting.

Dealing with the pets in a breakup is just a step to far. I associate more with them than I do with people. Money is not so much an issue, as I have a decent nerdy job doing good stuff, but finishing it presents two problems:

The animals, they mean more to me than people.
I feel bad because although the wife is only £5,000 a year behind me in base salary, she would not get a mortgage. She and money just do not co-exist well, to say the least.

I wake up every day with a miserable feeling. The feeling that time is not on my side is becoming every pervasive.

I feel like I am marking time till the day I die, and this is after being put on 20 MG Prozac.

wapow

They key to everything, is in your mind. You either choose to live in the mind associated with a lower being or you decide to make a shift in the mind to live the life of a higher functioning being. The choice is yours and yours alone.

CreditCrunchie

I'm so sorry that I cannot offer anything more helpful, but I hope you manage to work things out. I empathise with you regarding the animals, my cats are my babies, and the more I spend time with them the more I hate people haha! But seriously, it seems a very miserable idea for you to stay with your partner simply because she wouldn't get a mortgage on her own or pay the bills etc. Part of splitting up with someone is making that break and letting them live their own life, and you yours. On the other hand it also seems a sad thing for either of you to give up on this just yet. It reads as if you have become bored with each other, rather than fallen out of love. Perhaps there has been a lot going on and you haven't done much to re-inspire those feelings of connection. It's not always about money and going to nice places and doing exciting things. Sometimes it can be a simple reminder of what that person means to you and what you'd miss about them if they weren't around.

The sex will improve as your interest for each other comes back. Instead of the expensive trips away, how about a night in where you cook together, and chat over a bottle of wine. It sounds very simple but I know that would work for me

Another thing that sticks out from your post is that a lot of this revolves around your feelings towards yourself currently - not happy with your weight etc. Why not make a start on changing that? You'll be amazed at the improvement in your general feeling of wellbeing as you start to exercise regularly and eat foods which naturally boost your feel good hormones. This in turn will give you more energy, more optimism, and help ypu focus your mind on those things that really matter. As you become a happier, more self confident person with interests outside your relation, you'll be amazed how much more interested in you she suddenly becomes!

FBaby

You have two choices, either try to find a way to communicate with your wife and get it out of her why she won't get intimate with you, and then trying to find a solution to make it work, or plan your separation.

The reasons for her being distant can be that she still loves you but doesn't find you attractive any longer, doesn't love you any longer, but is too frightened by the prospect of separating, or doesn't want to lose the financial safety, or she doesn't think there is anything wrong and consider your marriage ok, or she still loves you, is very unhappy, would like to make it work, but like you doesn't know how to bring the matter up to try to find a solution.

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to save a marriage without engaging in productive communication, so if this is a problem for you and your wife, it is going to be a struggle, but it is not impossible and agreeing to go to a marriage counseller would definitely be the way to start.

duchy

Would you consider counseling ?
The Aspergers side of you is seeing everything as black or white and to change a situation means traveling through shades of grey which isn't always easy on the spectrum.
I do think you are wise not to sod off to Australia as you have a lot invested in home, animals etc and even if ultimately you choose to go the loose ends need tying up first.

If your marriage really has run its course and you are only together for financial reasons and there's no love left -and it isn't just a bad patch -then it'd be healthier for both of you to move on. If that means your wife has to take financial responsibility for herself -then that's life- and not the only reason to stay together.

I suspect the big 40 looming isn't helping - but forty honestly isn't old -it's all to do with mindset. If you think it's old-it will be !

mrcow

18 months is a very long time without sex if it's not mutually unwanted.

Would taking a break for six months really be such a terrible option? I think perhaps it's something that you could both sit down and discuss openly.

It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into the relationship, but perhaps it's time to take a step back and think whether you really want this to continue for the next 40/50 years, or whether it's time to make a change now.

Desecrated_Landscape

She could be playing away. I hate to say that but 18 months and no action could mean she is getting it from someone else.

Netwizard

She sounds bloody boring to be honest, and why are you paying some of her bills. on £30k, she should be paying her own bills.

Life is too short to spend it unhappy. Get yourself to Australia and start enjoying life again

marisco_2

You are only in your late 30s. This is not old at all, says someone who has stepped over the threshold of being 40 . In all probability you could have more life left to live, than you have yet experienced. To be feeling old, that time is not on your side and that words cannot describe your unhappiness, suggests to me that you could be suffering from depression. Possibly brought on in part from being in what comes across as a very one-sided marriage.

It is extremely painful and frightening to face that a relationship that once held such promise and hope is faltering. I am sorry if this honest reaction to what you have described going on hurts you further. I feel that you partner is trying to push you away. For whatever reasons she wants out, but hasn't got the confidence to be straight with you, and may well be frightened of going it alone. Address this with her by having a no-holes barred chat and get to the bottom of it all. Then you will be best placed to make some carefully considered decisions about your future. Life is way too short to spend it feeling as you do now.

paulsad

Some people have very little libido end of. You really have to care about someone a lot to stay put in a limited or sexless union - if you don't then best to cut your losses and find a. n. other.

maman

I think if 18 months has gone by with no sign of improvement or even closeness and companionship then you've given it your best shot. If you're paying all the household bills and some of hers you're becoming a meal ticket. You're wife isn't a child, she'll just have to learn to budget and make her way in the world like everyone else.


If I were you'd I'd start making some arrangements for your pets to be well looked after in your absence and make plans for that Australian adventure.