NS&I Children's Bond Woes

Finleythefish

I'm positive that NS&I really don't want my money!

This all started last year when my Mum, who has always saved regular amounts in NS&I Children's Bonds for her grandchildren, gave me a call.

Up until last year, she'd been able to walk into her local Post Office with the details and get it all done hassle free, now this service had been removed and, faced with doing it via a postal form or by creating an internet account she turned to me to help her out. She's now 81 and understandably finds all this a tad confusing.

"No Worries!" I thought, how hard can it be? I'm an internet veteran and have an internet everything! Online banking, phone apps, etc etc. this would be a cinch!

So she duly sent me a cheque, and I went about creating an account.

Now, I've got lots of online accounts, but none were quite as difficult as this one to create! And I never quite realised how many different NS&I numbers I had! My number, the kids numbers, certificate numbers, bond holder numbers, it was mind boggling but got there in the end. Of course it required the obligatory snail mail confirmation (although I'm asking myself why...have you ever had anything in the mail from PayPal for example?)

Eventually the account was created and I logged on via what must be THE most secure access system on the planet. (Images to recognise, phrases to recognise, where I went to school, where my Dad was born and what was the name of Justin Beber's cousin's dad dog when he was 12) The last one was a joke by the way but you get the picture. Also the password was pretty complicated, requiring letters, numbers, upper case, lower case AND a special character. Thank god I'm only half my mothers age.

Once I got in, lo and behold, there were some of the kids previous certificates, well, only two out of the 23 odd they held between them. But hey, never mind, I could see the link on the left to buy a new product and clicked on it.

Once I'd confirmed that I held an internet account with them and gone through the logon process AGAIN (What was that dog's name again?) I could invest the money. All I needed to do was say how much I needed to invest and enter my bank details and that would be... NOT it as they also wanted my debit card details.

WHY NS&I WHY?

OK, so I sat back and waited, and to be honest the first lot came through the post OK *breathes a sigh of relief*

A few months later and Mum's sent me a bit more money for the eldest one and so I go through the whole logoff, logon, bank details, debit card details etc ordeal again and a few day's later I get a request in the post to confirm my child's identity.

Now I'm beginning to lose the will to live. She's had a bond bought for her every year since she was born, that's 12 in total and now they want me to confirm she actually exists. I read the instructions on how to do this in between banging my head on the kitchen table. It hurts, but it's less pain than dealing with NS&I.

What I needed to provide was a certified copy of her identity (eg a passport) It needed to be a copy with the words "I certify that this is a true copy of the original [type of document] belonging to [her name]" and also the name, occupation address etc etc of the person certifying it.

Here is the list of acceptable certifiers, when I read this I stopped crying and started laughing:

Qualified lawyer or accountant (OK); Actuary (what?) Notary Public (Eh?); a Director, officer or manager of a regulated financial service business (bank, building society, insurance company, etc.) (ROFL - Trustworthy?); Authorised financial intermediary (two a penny?); Qualified estate agent (bottom of my trusted list); Teacher (could send it with the dinner money maybe); Medical doctor or dentist (if you can get an appointment); Minister of a recognised religion (alleluia); Local Chemist (I looked up the nearest lab, but surely they mean PHARMACIST?); A member of the Judiciary, a civil servant, a serving Police or Customs Officer (notably only separated by a comma and not a semi colon, so tarred with the same brush?); An embassy, consulate or high commission of the country of issue of the documentary evidence of identity; (one on every street corner) A director of your employing company (surely almost anyone can be a company director, Matt Allwright will tell you I'm sure)

My wife's friend, a solicitor, (and former head of investigations at Consumer Focus, Wales, not that I like to name drop) agreed to certify the document for me, and eventually the bond came through the post. Bravo. *breathes sigh of relief*

That was the end of last year.

Last week Mum rang up to say she'd had a windfall and wanted me to invest it for the kids... here we go again.

First logon attempt went OK, did the old "log back out, lock back in, bank details, debit card details etc etc" AGAIN and seemed to go OK.

Had to do it all AGAIN for my youngest daughter, but this time got the (over complicated) password wrong several times and was locked out. Had to now ring up and ask someone (after a raft of further questioning) to send me a temporary password.

Several days later, two letters arrive from NS&I...

The first one said, "thanks for your application etc etc, please can you send a certified copy of....." AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG! ITS THE SAME CHILD AS LAST TIME YOU MORONS!

The second one said "Here is you temporary password..." and had a tear off security thing like when you get a new PIN from the bank. I know you can't see it, but this password is definitely a mix of numbers and UPPER CASE letters. After several failed attempts at logging on, almost to be locked out again, GUESS WHAT?? It needed to be lower case.

So I went through the familiar, but ball aching, logon, logoff, bank details, debit card details again and bought bonds for my youngest.

I patiently await the next letter from NS&I. If it is one that asks for a certified copy of my child's identity, I shall need a month off work and a course of anti depressants from my GP. Maybe, once he's got me in a straight jacket, he could certify the ID?