how do you going about adopting step children ?

NaughtyAngel2007

Hello

Looking for some help or to talk to someone who has been in similar shoes.

I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful man who is dad to my children ( 16 . 14 , 8 years old). we got together as a couple when my youngest was 4 mths old.

my children slowly lost contact with there biological father after he re-married and had a new family. it has been nearly 3 years since he made contact. its a long story but he has left them down so much they are much more settled without him. in the future they may wish to contact him but at the moment the older two don't want to know and my son (8) knows he has a biological father and remembers him.

We have all talked about it and we want the be a real family and i want to know they kids have a dad if anything happens to me. they changed there names by dipole 4 years ago to have the same surname as us and the biological father agreed. i have no financial support from the father as i don't want anything from him.

is it hard , expensive to adopt ? do we need the biological fathers ok ?

whitewing

My husband got step parent responsibility for my son when we married. It gives legal rights without taking away the biological father. For us, it gave stability, especially as we went on to have our own child, but it also allowed his father to take a more active role now DS is older. It's all to easy to think a biological father is a waste of space, but I realised that he was having struggles to deal with the situation. Goodness knows what I would have been like if DS hadn't lived with me.

74jax

https://www.gov.uk/child-adoption/adopting-a-stepchild. A quick Google brought this up which might help.

cazziebo

whitewing wrote: »

but it also allowed his father to take a more active role now DS is older. It's all to easy to think a biological father is a waste of space, but I realised that he was having struggles to deal with the situation. .

Such a wise thing to say! My ex was pretty useless when the children were young, but proved to be a pretty good dad when they were older. (His wife turned out to be absolutely wonderful and is still close to the girls now even though they're in their 20s and she's no longer married to their dad).

Too often dads are written out of children's lives early on. It's good to hear families looking at the long term.

NaughtyAngel2007

i hope there real dad is better when they are older and have never stopped them seeing him. i just wanted to know if the adoption was a simple step or very costly. you cant judge anyone till you have walked in their shoes.

Seanymph

I don't see anyone judging - and I'm not - but my children had a hit and miss relationship with their father when they were smaller.

Once they were grown up, and able to pursue something independent that changed, and now he is very present in his life.

To take away their father and effectively 'replace' him with your choice is irreversible, and may damage that later coming together - it removes their biological fathers relationship.

Your new partner can have parental rights, therefore assuming the role he seeks without blotting out their own parent.

It's a permanent and irreversible thing adopting - and whilst you may all be happy families at the moment, in the long term if there is any chance of a relationship panning out between your children and their biological father then surely as a mother you would want to keep that door open?

Well, I would, and obviously other posters would - you can achieve all the positives you seek with parental rights - which would effectively then give your girls three parents.

Why be so keen to blot him out of their lives if you can keep him as their father - to satisfy something about yourself? Or to 'prove' something.

He may well go along with it but that doesn't mean he won't mind - and if he is that awful then he'll see it as licence to never make any effort.

meritaten

my DDs husband wanted to adopt her son, but the bio father refused. at that time the situation wasn't good. but, it HAS improved over the last few years and they now have an amicable relationship. its taken nearly 15 years though.
this does have a legal implication though you may not have thought of.
once adoption takes place a child cannot inherit from a biological parent. unless named specifically in a will.
in a case like my grandsons - if he had been adopted by his stepfather, his half brother would inherit and he wouldn't.
He has taken his stepfathers name by deed poll, he sometimes uses both! and his mothers maiden name so he Triple-Barrells! (as on his birth cert he is a 'double barrell'.

System

I wish my step dad had been able to adopt me but my bio dad wouldn't have let it happen, and at 27 seems a bit late now! It's also why I never changed my name by deed poll but I wish I had. He's my dad for all intents and purposes anyway though so I'm ok with that. I'm just waiting till the day I can get married and get rid of my bio dad's name for good!

whitewing

MessedUp - it would be a great birthday present or anniversary present or father's day present for your parents if you were to change your surname by deedpoll to your stepfather's surname. Make an occasion of it.

I don't think it is too late; I think it is just the right time for you to be able to evaluate the situation with an adult's perspective.

814man

Can I ask what the difference and what the purpose of this is?

My wife and I have a very similar background, both had parents split up and we both lived with our mothers who then remarried. Neither of us had any contact with biological father at all, although we know they are both still alive. The only difference is that my wife's step father adopted her and mine didn't. I don't even every recall it being discussed as an option. We have mentioned it before in conversations but we are not aware of any practical legal differences. We are both now in 40's and all parents are in 70/80's.

whitewing

For my son, if I had died while he was still a child, my husband (stepfather) would have had no legal standing to make decisions on his future such as where he lived and what school he attended. What it would have meant is that his father would have been able to take him away from his half-sister, potentially. Step parent responsibility would give my DH a legal right for his view to be considered.

Also, for adoption, I believe it has implications on inheritance, especially if the parent dies first and step parent after.

I know of adults who changed their surname to stepfather's when they reached 18 or above, and that is mainly to show affection and respect .