good evening lovely dfw's..:-)

blue_pixie

An interesting response firewyrm, thank you. I would say I am confident in my budget, and in my ability to keep my son full in the tummy and happy in the heart :-) my problem I think is that I worry about the day that never comes, I obsess over creditors going back on offers they have accepted and demanding more money. I struggle with the guilt of owing money for council tax and energy, albeit from years ago. I hate the fact that my partner wants to save for a house and l get upset when he talks about it because all I can think of spending money on is debt repayments, this is unfair to him. I am struggling with losing both my parents 5 months ago but I can't seem to deal with that because a owe £3k to councils and British gas and various other things. My debt for the most part doesn't come from frivolity in spending or consumerism, i have always mostly.
shopped in charity shops simply because i prefer them to the highstreet, for example (although there is blip of a catalogue debt a few years ago)!. Unfortunately it comes from complete financial ignorance and a lack of sense. Thank god at 29 years old I'm wising up! ;-)

blue_pixie

The Boss.. I honestly don't think I will ever not be able to check my bank every morning! :-)

hettiecarro

Bublin1 wrote: »

FireWyrm has touched on important point - the media and society tell us that spending our money on stuff we don't need = happiness. You know I have gone from spending £100 every weekend on tat to spending next to nothing or if I do spend it is 'planned spending'.

You really do need to change your way of thinking. It's a second Light Bulb Moment - an appreciation for NOT spending and when you do the buzz you get is from the discount code you found/the fact you paid cash/you found the best price/it's something you actually need.

This is spot on!
My OH and I went out today, and commented on the obsession we seem to have in this country for 'SPENDING'. Each Saturday people seem to HAVE to go out spending - something you don't see as much in other countries.
Like most DFW's I've learned to appreciate so many other things in life, and now I'm quite resentful if I have to spend money.
While I was acquiring 'things' (and debt) the rest of my life passed me by.
I still think about my debt every day - but from a different perspective - and generally to give myself a pat on the back for dealing with it.
Modest eh? :rotfl:

FireWyrm

OK, lets deal head on with some of these.

blue_pixie wrote: »

I would say I am confident in my budget, and in my ability to keep my son full in the tummy and happy in the heart :-)

An excellent start that puts you miles ahead of many others. You are new to this game having only just started in January and like a bereavement, it will get easier. You will in fact be debt free far earlier than I will for instance.

blue_pixie wrote: »

my problem I think is that I worry about the day that never comes, I obsess over creditors going back on offers they have accepted and demanding more money.

They almost certainly wont and if they do, there are legal mechanisms and well established protocols for dealing with it. It makes about as much sense as worrying about being struck by lightening. Stop worrying about it - the chance it happens is remote beyond words. Keep up your payments and you will be debt free.

blue_pixie wrote: »

I struggle with the guilt of owing money for council tax and energy, albeit from years ago.

Debt isnt a sin. You have acknowledged the problem, you are fixing it. What is there to be guilty over? There has to be more to this, what is it?

blue_pixie wrote: »

I hate the fact that my partner wants to save for a house and l get upset when he talks about it because all I can think of spending money on is debt repayments, this is unfair to him.

You will be out from under in 2015 you think - that is literally a blink of an eye from now. Think of it as serving a sentance. You will be free on a given date and you might just get time off for good behaviour if you do well and keep your head down.

blue_pixie wrote: »

I am struggling with losing both my parents 5 months ago

This is why you are uneasy and you are projecting it onto something you believe you can control - the debt. You can control the debt, but it wont ease the bereavement. You need to separate the two or you will end up suffering bereavement all over again when the debt is paid off and you have nothing to occupy your mind. You are putting off the inevitable - kicking it down the road as the yanks say. You need to deal with the bereavement now - let the debt deal with itself.

blue_pixie wrote: »

but I can't seem to deal with that because a owe £3k to councils and British gas and various other things

Which you are paying off satisfactorily. Move on, nothing to see here.

blue_pixie wrote: »

. My debt for the most part doesn't come from frivolity in spending or consumerism, i have always mostly.
shopped in charity shops simply because i prefer them to the highstreet, for example (although there is blip of a catalogue debt a few years ago)!.

I didnt mean to imply that it did, but reading back I can see how it might have appeared that way. Most of us live in a fog of largely unconscious feelings of inadequacy and unease induced by marketing - it is a fact of our modern age. Now you have explained it, you are obsessing over debt because you fear obsessing over your parents' loss. You are focusing on the debt so you dont focus on the bereavement. Effectively, you've sidestepped it havnt you? You know what you are doing, even if you dont conciously admit it and so, that is where your feelings are coming from. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

blue_pixie wrote: »

Unfortunately it comes from complete financial ignorance and a lack of sense. Thank god at 29 years old I'm wising up! ;-)

You wised up earlier than me then. Well done.

blue_pixie

Thank you once again firewrym for another helpful and insightful response. I agree largely with all of your points.
As for the council tax/ energy arrears guilt, there's nothing more to it (what I wonder? ;-) ). I feel guilty because its a reminder of times when I couldn't/didn't pay my bills and as a parent I feel guilt about not doing my job right.
Lots to think about though so thanks again. Bp

mobo1980

Hi Blue pixie !

Just wanted to say good luck on your journey and I really enjoyed reading this lots of interesting points of view

Mobo xx

Scritti

I think that Firewyrm hit the nail right on the head (again! - a very wise poster on these forums!).

Deal with your grief (so sorry to read that - I feel for you, 29 is no age to lose parents) and try to stop worrying about debts that you are dealing with anyway.

And please, please, please don't beat yourself up over financial mistakes you made in the past. It's utterly pointless. And I guarantee you are way ahead of millions of other people who are yet to have their light bulb moment.

I'm 42. My light bulb moment was about 18 months ago. I was up to £24,000 in debt for about 15 years and just carried on messing up from one year to the next. Over the past year-and-a-half, I found this site and have learnt (and continue to learn) so much. I've turned my finances around and now have savings for the first time since I was a child. It took until I was in my forties. But, although I would love to go back in time armed with the knowledge I have now, I can't so thinking that way is pointless.

I'm just so relieved I found this site and learnt from the incredible people who use these forums. The uneducated me is in the past, I only look forward and am excited about the possibilities for the first time in 2 decades. I also suffered a bereavement recently and dealing with my finances gave me something positive to focus on in between crying and feeling like I'd been robbed. It helped and continues to help as I feel good about my finances. You WILL be debt-free very soon in the grand scheme of things. When you do think about money, don't let it bring you down. Concentrate on the positive things you've already done and maybe plan new ways to save on spending (there are loads of ideas on this website), maybe see if there are ways you could save more and put a bit more on your debts, perhaps work out your debt-free date and try to bring it forward by a few months).

Just please deal with your grief and don't beat yourself up over mistakes that you made in the past. Everybody makes mistakes, you have done nothing wrong. Take time out to cry your eyes out when you're feeling down but also try to concentrate on the positives when you can. Talk to your partner about any guilt you have. I'm sure they'll understand and give you support. If you both want to buy a house, maybe work out your debt-free date and try to work together to bring it forward. It can actually be quite fun trying to "beat the system" and cutting costs once you know what you are doing.


Anyways, keep reading and posting. Hang in there, I wish you the best of luck!

sourcrates

I have been in debt, in one form or another, since I was 18 years old, im now 48. At worst I owed £54.000 on creditcards, loans, catalogue accounts, fuel cards etc, plus a £120.000 mortgage, in 2007, we had to give up our house as we had foolishly re-mortgaged to an extent we could not afford, everything came crashing down so to speak, after months of been chased by the worst bottom feeding DCA`s in the business I decided an IVA was the best solution for me, now 6 years on, im about to receive my certificate of completion, and will be debt free for the 1st time in my adult life, it has cost me dearly though, my house, unfortunately also my marriage, but on the positive side, no debt, and I cant wait to get my 1st months wage with no debt repayment, yay me !!!!! so there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just gotta stick to your guns.

katy_ann

Ive been a DFW for what feels like forever now and I can go weeks without "thinking" about it as such but then weeks at a time obsessing over when payday is, making my payment, trying to make extra payments, having enough in savings in case something does go wrong and thats exactly where I have been for the last few weeks, in a worrying, obsessing mood. Pfft I dont think Ill ever change! x

hettiecarro

To all you who are struggling!
You are in good company - but you know - we'll all come out the othe side ofd this.
Sourcrates - your story never fails to move me. You are such an inspiration to us, and I hope you find another to share with you - just being you!#Hettie