What to do if OH isn't a DFW?

Chuftybadge

rokchik wrote: »

Just to echo every one else here. My (lovely) DH is financially incontinent, this is despite him having had an IVA in the past, and having had to sell a property to pay his debts. It's been a long road, but this is how it works now, (and I AM THE LAW on these matters, there is no arguments)

- no joint account, he can't be trusted and it just led to the most horrendous rows.
- I have full access to his online banking, he does not have access to mine.
- I am in charge of setting up DD's, SO's, managing household bills and allocating money for joint expenses.
- he is responsible for his mobile phone payments and anything else that's just in his name, it's his problem if he can't pay them.
- if he chooses to buy extra stuff in the supermarket, stuff for our daughter, junk we don't need etc, that's up to him, but it comes out of his personal spends once his commitment to the bills has been met, and no whining is tolerated if he then runs short before the end of the month.

I have just realised that the above makes me sound like the most awful shrew, but he's honestly fine with it, he understands that's the way it has to be, and we actually get on very well! I'm just not prepared to go through what we went through a few years ago - losing our home, particularly as we now have our DD to consider.

Thanks Rokchik! Actually, I have a similar situation to yours in that I control most of the finances, and have access to his online banking. It's just that all our bills come out of the joint account, which include some that are "mine" and some that are "his". I don't agree with the amount we spend on "his" car, and if it were up to me, I'd cancel the Sky, and things like spotify and Netflix.

In terms of his "influence" over me, as Kate said above, really, I make my own choices, but he is like the little devil on my shoulder saying "Let's go out for dinner!" or whatever. I just need to be stronger with that sort of thing!

FireWyrm

rokchik wrote: »

Just to echo every one else here. My (lovely) DH is financially incontinent, this is despite him having had an IVA in the past, and having had to sell a property to pay his debts. It's been a long road, but this is how it works now, (and I AM THE LAW on these matters, there is no arguments)

- no joint account, he can't be trusted and it just led to the most horrendous rows.
- I have full access to his online banking, he does not have access to mine.
- I am in charge of setting up DD's, SO's, managing household bills and allocating money for joint expenses.
- he is responsible for his mobile phone payments and anything else that's just in his name, it's his problem if he can't pay them.
- if he chooses to buy extra stuff in the supermarket, stuff for our daughter, junk we don't need etc, that's up to him, but it comes out of his personal spends once his commitment to the bills has been met, and no whining is tolerated if he then runs short before the end of the month.

I have just realised that the above makes me sound like the most awful shrew, but he's honestly fine with it, he understands that's the way it has to be, and we actually get on very well! I'm just not prepared to go through what we went through a few years ago - losing our home, particularly as we now have our DD to consider.

I have a very similar policy. My OH also cannot be trusted. The one and only time I unbent enough to get a joint CC to 'improve his credit rating' ended up an unmitigated disaster - so, lesson learned. He has no access to the money except where it is given for a single and well defined purpose, but neither does he have responsibility. All money coming into the house is spent on bills and the finances are open to scrutiny by us both (keeps me honest too - no cheating on this and that) but as for actually being able to spend it, that falls to me. We have a joint debit account and a card for petrol but he usually clears it with me first anyway - a decade of training is starting to pay off now. All other spending, online or in person is through my cards only.

In case you are all thinking - gosh, what a horrible witch and isnt that a bit like spousal abuse...I've asked him whether he wanted to sit with me and go through the finances, but he is apparently quite happy to abdicate responsibility. I suspect he is secretly relieved that someone else has to shoulder the worry and the logistical exercise that is running household finances. He freely admits he cant trust himself, so why should I (where money is concerned) and we have evolved this method of running the finances which suits us both.

Chuftybadge

Thanks to everyone for their frank answers. It's helped me to reflect and get things into perspective. What a lovely intro to DFW life!

Kate_fixing_it

Chuftybadge wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their frank answers. It's helped me to reflect and get things into perspective. What a lovely intro to DFW life!

One of the best things about this forum (if you can call it that!) Is that there's ALWAYS someone who has been there and will offer their experience and advice and it's ALWAYS completely honest yet nobody will judge.

I've never felt alone in my quest for debt freedom since the day I found this site, I may not always like the answer but I know I'll get the best advice there is.

Kate x

GingerFurball_2

good_advice wrote: »

Changes happen slowly and over many months
It does take time and a will to make the changes.

Look at your bank statement and see see what DD you really need. Can close or reduce.
Going DFW takes commitment! No gym membership. Reading papers online. Reducing shopping and fuel bills.Cancelling phone contracts and going PAYG.

Once you commit to DFW your Oh will be watching and will start to change.

THe biggest thing is wanting to change.

I had this conversation yesterday - it might help?
Where are you going on holiday this year? A= we are staying at home to be able to pay off a loan.
Are you not going out for a Mothers day lunch? A= no I am cooking a roast at home.

I don't agree with this. If you want it and can afford it, then get the gym membership.

Surely the whole message of this site isn't "miss out on what you want", it's "get what you want as cheaply as possible."

FireWyrm

GingerFurball wrote: »

Surely the whole message of this site isn't "miss out on what you want", it's "get what you want as cheaply as possible."

Certainly is...therefore a brisk walk/jog around the local park will get you the exercise (what you want) for the cost of fresh air (as cheaply as possible). Gyms are a rip off and often come with a raft of other consumer problems such as crippling exit fees, heavy handed collection behaviour and difficulty cancelling if the service isnt what you wanted or you find you no longer require it. They are not priority debts above food, fuel and local tax or debt for that matter. The goal is to become debt free, and anything you can do to further that aim, by cutting waste has to be best for your long term financial and emotional health, something a costly gym membership will not achieve.

heartbreak_star

I actually put "gym membership" in the "things I couldn't give up" thread. I have a council membership so it's cheap and versatile, plus there is no way I can powerlift without the proper equipment

I did give up Sky, Netflix, and downgraded my car

HBS x

FireWyrm

heartbreak_star wrote: »

, plus there is no way I can powerlift without the proper equipment

Find a bar and do chin ups...same set of muscles and use your own weight.

GingerFurball_2

FireWyrm wrote: »

Certainly is...therefore a brisk walk/jog around the local park will get you the exercise (what you want) for the cost of fresh air (as cheaply as possible). Gyms are a rip off and often come with a raft of other consumer problems such as crippling exit fees, heavy handed collection behaviour and difficulty cancelling if the service isnt what you wanted or you find you no longer require it. They are not priority debts above food, fuel and local tax or debt for that matter. The goal is to become debt free, and anything you can do to further that aim, by cutting waste has to be best for your long term financial and emotional health, something a costly gym membership will not achieve.

One might argue that the benefits provided by regular exercise as a result of gym membership is beneficial to emotional health.

You wouldn't prioritise gym membership. Other people might for whatever reason. Again, my argument isn't that people should all go out and get gym memberships. But if it offers value for money, is used regularly and is affordable then what's wrong with it?