What to do if OH isn't a DFW?

Chuftybadge

Hi,

I'm new to DFW, and I'm interested in hearing how others have dealt with OHs that haven't committed to the DFW way. My OH is the worst influence on my spending; and he has bills in his name e.g. for Sky and his car that I really don't agree with, but so far he won't change.

So how have you dragged your reluctant spouse into becoming a DFW?:)

Kate_fixing_it

You can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do. It really boils down to that. Equally your OH doesn't force you to spend.

Does your OH have debts? Are you financially linked? Why not post up a SOA, seeing it in black and white will bring it home for most people and you're likely to get a lot of constructive advice on how you can alter your budget to save money.

Kate x

Chuftybadge

Thanks Kate. Yes, I think I need to do a SOA, just not quite there yet. We are financially linked and have a joint bills account. My spouse has some cc debt, although most of our debt is in my name due to me having better credit records.

The thing that I'm struggling with is that I'd like to make an effort to reduce our debts, but a lot of our income goes to what I consider to be non-essentials. I wondered if anyone had had any success in coming to a compromise with a partner who had different financial priorities. Ultimately, if we can't compromise, I'll just get on with what I can tackle on my own, i.e. my own debt.

Kate_fixing_it

Sounds like your situation has elements of mine, debt is in my name (so legally mine) due to OH's bad credit history, created jointly but not acknowledged bt OH. I'm afraid I have no magic answers. We've reached stalemate. My OH won't accept he has any responsibility

All I can do is tell you how my/our situation "works". We are separate financially. I'm in a DMP and manage my money. He manages his. We split priority bills and each pay agreed bills. It gets more complicated in that the things that only relate to him he pays (I.e. we have a car each so those expenses are individual, I don't really like going out sowe ttake care of our own entertainment budget etc.

I'm not really one to advise as it all blew up for us over the weekend but IMO all you can do is look after yourself. I'm in a DMP with step change and whilst my situation is unusual it's not unique and they are an amazing source of help and support, as is this forum.

Putting the weekend aside he had been coming around to my way of thinking (despite a lot of animosity) and little DFW ways have crept in over the last few months but as I said you can't force him into it, you can only change your behaviours.

I wish you lots of luck with this.

Kate x

MrsGSR

Completely agree with Kate, you can't force it upon anyone, they have to have their own LBM!
I've had the same trouble with my DH, I've taken control of the joint finances which are looking good, DH complains that his account is "taking a bashing" again but I have said to him that unless he starts using the money from the money tin for shopping then he is the only one losing out! His excuse is he forgets! I've given up with him, I decided to deal with my own debts and let him deal with his.

Taking over the joint finances was the best decision I made, he was to blame for the overdraft as he is a compulsive supermarket spender and was draining the account by doing top up shops. I decided to pay for the shopping myself and give him cash to buy top ups and when it's gone it's gone but he is still struggling with this.

Good luck with your journey, I'm hoping my recent debt freedom will be an inspiration to my DH to push harder and eventually have an LBM.

tanith

This was the reason why I kept OH and my finances separate with a joint account for bills everything else we dealt with individually. Now after many years he finally 'gets it' and tells me he would be so much better off financially if he had listened to me years ago. As Kate says you can't make him change so I would just do your own thing regarding finance and hope he 'gets it' sooner rather than later.
I would have no problem sharing my finances with OH now by the way but too set in our ways now lol.

cottage_retreatist

i have to join the boat as well! my OH is and was terrible with money - in the end the first step I took (and it was a drastic one) was getting him to get his salary paid into my account for 6 months - he no longer does it but it removed the instant access to cash he once had (cash that existed to pay back debt accrued on credit cards in his name and others in my name).

It took well over 6 months of debt-busting as a one-person band before he finally got on board - the big things i'd say is tell him why you are doing it - for your future. Once I told the OH what was possible and the reason why he could buy his Xbox One (:)) he came on board and now together we are aiming to be debt free this year!

But remember - you can't force a lightbulb moment but you can nudge someone towards one!

xx

good_advice

Changes happen slowly and over many months
It does take time and a will to make the changes.

Look at your bank statement and see see what DD you really need. Can close or reduce.
Going DFW takes commitment! No gym membership. Reading papers online. Reducing shopping and fuel bills.Cancelling phone contracts and going PAYG.

Once you commit to DFW your Oh will be watching and will start to change.

THe biggest thing is wanting to change.

I had this conversation yesterday - it might help?
Where are you going on holiday this year? A= we are staying at home to be able to pay off a loan.
Are you not going out for a Mothers day lunch? A= no I am cooking a roast at home.

Prothet_of_Doom

Let us assume, that you achieve some sort of financial heaven, where you jointly have no debts, you have savings, a pension plan, and a SHTF buffer. What is in it for him? Where's the motivation ? What does he want from his life ?

bargainbetty

If you have 'shared' debt, but it is in your name because he has a bad credit rating, then you do need to take steps to address that. Sort out an agreement amount per month that you each pay back to that debt as well as the household bills, and shut off the cards so it cannot be run up again. Explain to your OH that you want to get your finances under control, and that he needs to respect that you have let him share your credit file for a while now. He needs to take responsibility for paying off the shared debts, but you can't force him to sort out his own.

Make sure the joint account has no overdraft facility, and then shut off the credit. He might take a bit more notice of clearing it and sorting out his own finances if you stop his ability to utilise yours.

Good luck x

rokchik

Just to echo every one else here. My (lovely) DH is financially incontinent, this is despite him having had an IVA in the past, and having had to sell a property to pay his debts. It's been a long road, but this is how it works now, (and I AM THE LAW on these matters, there is no arguments)

- no joint account, he can't be trusted and it just led to the most horrendous rows.
- I have full access to his online banking, he does not have access to mine.
- I am in charge of setting up DD's, SO's, managing household bills and allocating money for joint expenses.
- he is responsible for his mobile phone payments and anything else that's just in his name, it's his problem if he can't pay them.
- if he chooses to buy extra stuff in the supermarket, stuff for our daughter, junk we don't need etc, that's up to him, but it comes out of his personal spends once his commitment to the bills has been met, and no whining is tolerated if he then runs short before the end of the month.

I have just realised that the above makes me sound like the most awful shrew, but he's honestly fine with it, he understands that's the way it has to be, and we actually get on very well! I'm just not prepared to go through what we went through a few years ago - losing our home, particularly as we now have our DD to consider.