Relationship Breakdown - Parental Advice

tododo

Hi all

Posting for get info for my sister who has just popped around crying

Basically she is in a relationship thats going no-where really
The guy is an overall decent guy but put simply does NOTHING around the house - I know its not the worse trait in the world but he literally does NOTHING......and bringing up a child in this environment is proving hard for my sister

They nearly broke up a few years back but after trying to resolve the issues they are still there - they have a lovely girl who is five in a few months - and its her we are all thinking of

They have a house mortgaged jointly - she cant afford to buy him out and doesn't have a really good income - although me and parents can help when /if needed im sure

Tonight she just found a note on his car from another married woman - it didnt say anything tooo bad and it sounds like he doesnt want to take things further with this woman but still hes confiding with other women by the sounds of it - and its hurting my sister

For me as her brother - shes given the relationship a go now and Im glad she did - but its not helping her mental state now at all - she feels trapped by this house /him - hes also threatening to sell the house and force her hand

Ive said get out of it and start again - bt its not a simple as that I suppose

The main issue is the custody of the daughter which is a MAJOR - it sounds as though hes been to see a solicitor and mapped out what access he wants already

Another issue is that hes hardly there apparently and doesnt really care for the daughter too good - ie give her a chocolate bar that may contain nuts (when shes alergic) - he also let her barbecue once when she was two-ish and she fell on the barbecue grill on her FACE!!! Hes a bit of a div like that - doesnt really think

Anyway we all love this girl but it also killing my sister of the thought of him for example taking away the daughter on holiday with another woman - must be awful

Anyway where does she go regarding the custody side of things, what are the first steps - its sounds as if solicitors can be expensive - hes named on the birth certificate too

Any advice is greatly appreciated......thanks

Woolwich_Kim

Try citizen's advice bureau?

meritaten

she needs out of that relationship - can you give her a temporary home?
he may well have seen a solicitor and mapped out his custody plans - but, a family court may have other ideas. your sis needs legal advice ASAP.
oh and any 'notes' from other women she should keep - it may help her in future.
I don't usually advocate ending relationships without at least trying to make them work - but it sounds to me like sis has tried and it isn't working. NOT her fault. now she should get out.

Newly_retired

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/f_ending_a_relationship_unmarried_couples.pdf
Hope this helps

justme111

tododo wrote: »

Hi all

To

Fo

The main issue is the custody of the daughter which is a MAJOR - it sounds as though hes been to see a solicitor and mapped out what access he wants already

Another issue is that hes hardly there apparently and doesnt really care for the daughter too good - ie give her a chocolate bar that may contain nuts (when shes alergic) - he also let her barbecue once when she was two-ish and she fell on the barbecue grill on her FACE!!! Hes a bit of a div like that - doesnt really think

Anyway we all love this girl but it also killing my sister of the thought of him for example taking away the daughter on holiday with another woman - must be awful

Anyway where does she go regarding the custody side of things, what are the first steps - its sounds as if solicitors can be expensive - hes named on the birth certificate too

Any advice is greatly appreciated......thanks

You say he has custody mapped , not questioning you sister having residency - I can see nothing wrong with it.
Holidays with another woman - nothing wrong with.it either .
Disagreements about parenting style - well he will have different views on.parenting , he foes what he thinks is right and we all can be critisized for something , accidents happen and if the only thing she can cite is an accident from 3 years ago and giving chololate that "might" contain nuts I don't see her having the case

JIL

He sounds like he wants access not full custody.
I'm sure your sister would not be thinking of cutting him out of his daughters life completely. The thought of her daughter going on holiday with her ex and new partner will be scary at the moment due to the relationship being newly ended. Its all still very raw.
Your sister just needs to sort out the practical side of things. Where to live. Access. Maintenance. Most people when separating say they go almost into auto pilot and bury their feelings. A bit like a coping strategy. She is lucky to have a caring brother to talk to.

tododo

JIL wrote: »

He sounds like he wants access not full custody.
I'm sure your sister would not be thinking of cutting him out of his daughters life completely. The thought of her daughter going on holiday with her ex and new partner will be scary at the moment due to the relationship being newly ended. Its all still very raw.
Your sister just needs to sort out the practical side of things. Where to live. Access. Maintenance. Most people when separating say they go almost into auto pilot and bury their feelings. A bit like a coping strategy. She is lucky to have a caring brother to talk to.

Thanks for reading everyone - no we all wouldn't want him to have no access at all. Definately not.....its just the plans and notes she has seen mean the daughter spends a good chunk of time with him I think - ie Sunday to Tuesday night every week. Im not sure if that is reasonable contact and yeh its the thought of him going on holiday with another woman and her daughter is really upsetting. Again I dont think we would want to stop that its just one of those things

She can move in with me but we have a new born here so may not be the best time and the thought of her going home to the parents is not even an option - dont know why Id move home in a flash

Ive contacted some local solicitors to get an initial idea of costs - so we will see what comes of that and will also tell her to contact citzens advice - thanks all!

Shes STILL deciding the pros and cons of staying with him - for me who does a shed load of house work and at least attempts DIY - hes just a bit lazy and wont try (he would rather see my parents who are nearing their 70's cut a garden hedge for example rather than do it himself (they have been soft to do it too!) - now he been confiding with another married woman - I think his days are numbered - I just HOPE she sees sense now .....its not healthy for the girl to grow up in this relationship imo

Horrible situation though

Thanks again

Fosterdog

If he has a good relationship with his daughter there is no reason to not allow Sunday to Tuesday, it is less than half the week so your sister would still have her most of the week. The child is not a possession that one or the other owns and shouldn't be used as a weapon against each other, she has the right to have a relationship with both parents equally.

If Sunday to Tuesday is too long, which I completely understand is a long time for either of them to go without seeing their child and for her to go without seeing either parent, maybe she could counter offer Sunday morning to Tuesday morning and Thursday after school until Friday morning. School holidays maybe longer contact, a week each or half a week each as a solid block. Or a similar break up of the week for shared care.

This guy may be a shoddy boyfriend but it doesn't mean he is a bad or incapable father, he should be given the chance to be a good parent. If he turns out to be a waste of space dad too at least your sister can say she gave him the chance.

As for the going on hols with another woman, what about if/when your sister meets someone new? Do you think her ex should have be happy that another man is getting the chance to be a father to his child and maybe going on holidays with her? It works both ways.

justme111

If anything I would give credit to the guy for being concerned when and how he sees the child. I agree in spirit with previous message , just wanted to correct the wording - its not mother's place to give or not father chances of being a good father , is very patronising and entitling , no wonder children are used as a weapon in power struggles . Btw Sunday to tueasday seems perfectly sensible to me.

RAS

Is your sister married or not?

If so your sister needs to look at www.turn2us.org.uk to see whether she could get help paying the mortgage interest (in the short-term anyway as this may change with the benefits changes).

She also needs to see if she would get WTC, CTB, CTC etc.

In whose name(s) is the house?

girlsmum

your poor sister, I know how she is feeling right now, and it is very scary. Firstly she needs legal advice, I would not recommend her leaving the home unless he refuses to leave if she asks, or get abusive, in which case get out. If she moves out it could take ages and cost lots in legal fees to make him sell etc so she will be in limbo. he also is a crafty so and so re the access, whilst I admire him for wanting to see his daughter regularly, Sunday to Tuesday night lol, It seems like he does not want to waste his weekends and the chance of a night out. Also what about school runs etc might not be ideal depends on where both parents live. I find it strange that he has sorted access etc before telling your sister he wants to separate?
Also i am afraid the other woman thing, your sister will have to come to terms with,as it will happen. It will be the same if she meets another man and they go on holiday with the child.

X