Keeping everyone happy

22cuddles

Hi All

I would like a bit of advice on how others go about handling demands of friends (or family) with regards to constantly being asked to attend events/nights out/weekends away when your financial situation isn't great without coming across as completely boring and/or appearing not interested in spending time with them.

To cut long story short I've been silly with money in the past but hopefully all debts (except mortgage) will be paid off in the next couple of months. Although this will free up quite a bit of money every month OH and I are looking at a nice holiday later in the year (nothing booked until debts paid) and I'm hoping to start a masters in October that I've put off for last two years due to finances. It seems almost weekly that one of my group of friends starts suggesting going to various events over the summer, mainly festivals where the tickets are quite pricey, and I know I realistically can't afford it so I keep turning things down but some of them are taking it personally that I don't want to spend time with them rather than I don't have a limitless supply of money that they seem to (I know this isn't the case though as one has a DMP and another is struggling to make ends meet but never says no in case she misses out on something).

How do you deal with this without alienating yourself? N.B. not sure if it makes a difference but the majority are a fee years younger than me.

Indie_Kid

Have you explained the lack of money?

22cuddles

Yes, they know money's tight.

mrsscattercushion

the way we've generally managed it is by being honest...saying we'd love to spend some time with them, but finances are tight etc and then maybe suggesting something cheaper as an alternative? If friends struggled with that or took it too personally when I had been honest, I'd wonder about how good friends they were

marisco_2

I think the key thing to remember is that your time is your own to schedule, so if you don't want to do something, you can just politely thank the person for the invitation or opportunity and say "I will have to pass this time, but looking forward to seeing you soon."

You shouldn't have to lie and you don't need to give a reason. Often the giving of a reason is where things get tricky because you either offend the other person with your excuse and/or they badger you into coming anyway. If you don't provide a reason, there's nothing to discuss and you don't need to defend your choice. Only really insecure people would take umbrage and see things in your response to them that simply aren't there.

beluga

I get this too, it's hard to please everyone and keep to a budget! I try to go to some things, but I can't do everything so I pick ones that are most appealling and affordable. I'll also make an effort to go to things if several people I want to see are going. Maybe try suggesting cheap or free things to do, then your friends can't blame you for not making the effort. Invite people round, meet people in the pub but drive (and not drink!), pick cheap events you could go to. It can be difficult to get people to understand that you can't or don't want to spend the money on socialising if that's their priority, but offering an alternative that's more affordable might help.

Brighton_belle

22cuddles wrote: »

Yes, they know money's tight.

But do they really understand what this means for you: it sounds like a couple of your friends at least also are in a 'money is tight' situation, but to them that means the solution is to go into debt, rather than cut back.
I think you may need to be more frank and less vague than 'money is tight' or 'I can't really afford it'. Then express your disappointment and say how much you enjoy spending time with them.
I suspect them being a few years younger does make a difference to their attitudes.
Well done on working to clear your debts and aiming for an MA!

bagpussbear

Do you suggest things to your friends that you would like to do, and are within your budget range?

Your post suggests that you keep turning down events/festivals ie. things that are pricey, but not that you ask your friends to do anything instead, ie. you come up with ideas to see them, have fun but still keeping within what you can afford to spend that week etc.

Could it be that's the reason why they are starting to be a bit offended?

Netwizard

marisco wrote: »

I think the key thing to remember is that your time is your own to schedule, so if you don't want to do something, you can just politely thank the person for the invitation or opportunity and say "I will have to pass this time, but looking forward to seeing you soon."

You shouldn't have to lie and you don't need to give a reason. Often the giving of a reason is where things get tricky because you either offend the other person with your excuse and/or they badger you into coming anyway. If you don't provide a reason, there's nothing to discuss and you don't need to defend your choice. Only really insecure people would take umbrage and see things in your response to them that simply aren't there.

That is spot on the money. If I can't afford to do something, or don't want too, I just say "Not this time but look forward to catching up with you in the week" or something to that effect (I'm not a big party animal so quite often decline invitations to events that might involve large, hot, noisy clubs).

My friends invite me incase I want to go, but they aren't bothered if I don't. They are quite happy to meet up again and do something else at some other point.

Like someone else said, if they get snotty with you over the money thing or aren't willing to compromise, then they aren't really that good as friends

jenhug

I don't really see the problem here, it could be because they know you can't afford to but they don't want you to feel you are excluded?

22cuddles

Thanks for the replies. I think I'll try the "Not this time but looking forward to seeing you soon" type things. I probably don't organise things as much as I could so I'll see what cheap options I can come up with.