Problems with my ex over access to our daughter

missimaxo

Sorry if this is a long story....

My ex husband and I have 1 daughter (age 5). We divorced (semi amicably) 2 years after separating and did not use sols (he refused to divorce me within 2 years, I applied 2 years to the day and he agreed). We have had an informal access agreement for our daughter since she was 1 yr old and I left his house. In that time, I have always lived in Glossop and he has lived in Rochdale (approx 45mins apart by car). He has our daughter every other weekend Friday evening to sunday evening and 1 evening every other week (tonight as it happens), he picks her up from nursery in Glossop, sees her for 2 hours and then brings her back home.


For a number of reasons my new husband and I want to move back to near my parents in Doncaster (approx 1 1/4 hours away). I have been completely honest with him about the move, and due to my work, they have agreed an office transfer, they have agreed to let me move in 1 years time (my confirmed transfer dates are the beginning of the 6 weeks holidays in 2008).

I have just told my ex-husband the confirmed dates, and he has become a bit arsey with me and said he will "be taking advice about stopping me move".

I have just had a phone conversation with a solicitor, and explained the situation. They have stated that they cannot see a solicitor advising him to try and fight me through the courts because I am being completely reasonable. I know he will lose his 2 hours mid-week with her, but have said he can have her more at school holidays instead. Also, Doncaster is not actually that far, and I have offered to do half the driving. What the solicitor did say was that he could go against his sols advice and try anyway.

Does anyone know what he could actually do? I have no experiance of this? If he went for full care, would he be likely to get it? I am concerned about my daughter being separated from her younger brother (current husbands child), would the courts go against what has been reasonable for 4 years?

The other thing the sol said would probably happen, is that in the first instance, his sol would write to me. I cannot afford to pay a sol £150 an hour to reply to the letter, not because I don't earn much, but all my money goes on actual living costs including nursery fees. We simply have no spare cash with which to pay a sol to fight him.

Thanks for any advice.

TheWaltons_3

Well naturally he would be upset, he obviously loves his daughter very much.

Could you offer more contact, every weekend perhaps? Or half of the school holidays? BUT he's got to think of his DD first before his own needs.

I don't think a Solicitor would give him full access though, however, you could end up broke with all the letters flying around.

missimaxo

TheWaltons wrote: »

Well naturally he would be upset, he obviously loves his daughter very much.

Could you offer more contact, every weekend perhaps? Or half of the school holidays? BUT he's got to think of his DD first before his own needs.

I don't think a Solicitor would give him full access though, however, you could end up broke with all the letters flying around.

Thanks for the reply.

To be honest I don't think I could allow him to have her every weekend. For starters, I would barely see her. She goes to bed at 7.30pm every night (please remember she is only 5) and I work full time. I don't get in until 6.00pm each night, "our" weekends are our only "quality" time with her. Plus I don't think I could cope with the driving every week, every other week is fine enough. I have offered him more access in the school holidays already!!!!
I should point out that to date he has never offered to have her in the school holidays. I have asked him before every one, and he has had her 1 extra day each time. He goes on holiday 3 times a year and has never yet taken her away for more than one night.

I am not trying to stop him seeing her, I am just trying to be fair to everyone.

TheWaltons_3

missimaxo wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

To be honest I don't think I could allow him to have her every weekend. For starters, I would barely see her. She goes to bed at 7.30pm every night (please remember she is only 5) and I work full time. I don't get in until 6.00pm each night, "our" weekends are our only "quality" time with her. Plus I don't think I could cope with the driving every week, every other week is fine enough. I have offered him more access in the school holidays already!!!!
I should point out that to date he has never offered to have her in the school holidays. I have asked him before every one, and he has had her 1 extra day each time. He goes on holiday 3 times a year and has never yet taken her away for more than one night.

I am not trying to stop him seeing her, I am just trying to be fair to everyone.

Of course, I fully understand.. I couldn't bear my daughter away from me every weekend.

It does sound then, that he is just being an awkward git!!! Keep your cool with him... be as nice and smarmy as you can... let him think he's winning but don't annoy him or he could get nasty and start with the solicitors.

He wont stand a chance of getting full custody, no Judge would uproot a settled little girl from her stable home life with a sibling... to move her in with a single man! No way. I could understand a Judge doing this if the Mum was a Psycho/Neglectful/a bad parent... but in this situation. No.

You just need to keep him away from Solicitors and bite your tongue, when you want to rip into him!

missimaxo

Thanks for the reply. I have bitten my tongue so much in the last 4 years anyway!!!!

Fingers crossed I can sort this out amicably. I don't want to split them up, but we do have to move and I am trying to be reasonable. I just hope if he gets arsey and takes it further the powers that be can see that.

pinkshoes

He probably feels like this is the first step in taking his daughter away from him. Have you explained to him exactly why you're moving away? (otherwise it might look like you're doing it out of spite!).

You need to meet up with him, talk through any fears/worries he might have. Try to be open and honest with him, rather than defensive, because from his point of view, everything is fine how it is, and you're the one sticking the spanner in the works.

You haven't actually said what he actually wants? he'll be loosing 2 hours a week access with her, so talk with him, and find a suitable alternative.

I know it's still a drivable distance, but 45 mins is an easy commute where he can easily just drop her off, but the added distance just makes her that bit to far away to just pop round if she wants a night night kiss from her dad!