I feel bad!

madasabull

10 years ago my ex wife and I agreed that I would transfer into her bank each Friday, £40 per for each of my 2 daughters. We didn't want the CSA involved, as I was only working part-time at the time of the split, and some weeks I would earn nothing at all. A few years later I had an accident in work when I was struck by an articulated lorry and suffered multiple injuries that left me having to claim benefit for more than 4 years, but I still maintained every Friday, the £80 per week, by selling things I owned if when I had to and using my injury compensation. There was no way that I would let the CSA take over so my daughters would only get about £5 per week, no way.

A couple of years ago my oldest daughter started work, and I continued to transfer £40 per week for my youngest daughter. I have never not transferred the money over, and have always maintained maintenance to help with my children.

The problem I have, and sorry it took so long to get to it, is that my youngest daughter turned 18 last week, and is now looking for work after now finishing a training course. I am nervous about stopping the bank transfer for her. I am worried that my ex wife will turn me into a bigger monster than she has already over the years. She always used the children against me, even though I was a faithful and caring husband. We just fell out of love after 20 years. I have been married now for 7 years and I feel that may have been a problem to her, but anyway, I worry that she will tell my daughter that I have been looking forward to this day and couldn't wait to end the payments.

I am thinking about continuing the payments until the end of this month so it doesn't look like I couldn't wait, and even continuing to pay until whenever as I do fear attacks. But I am also feeling awful about not having to pay anymore, I can't quite explain it, but I feel you may know what is going through my mind, I just don't know what to do.

sfm82

I don't think you should feel bad. Your daughter is going into work now and is not continuing with her education so you shouldn't feel like you should have to continue to pay maintenance for her.

Can you afford to continue to make the payments for another few months? Are you still in contact with your daughters, if not then will your ex badmouthing you a bit more (if you stop paying) make any difference to how they may already feel about you?

If you are still in contact how about contacting your daughter about giving her directly an allowance you can afford until she's settled in her new job and can afford to pay her own way.

When you talk about fearing attacks, are these physical?

davenport151

Assuming when you stopped paying for the older daughter nothing was said? So it would be expected that the payments would stop.
Do they know they have been getting money from you towards their upbringing or has that fact been hidden from them?
I assume by the way you word things that you are not in touch with them.
I am so glad there are fathers like you that want to support their children. My dad left my mum with nothing went to another ready made family and then proceeded to attempt to get the house from her.

justontime

I understand your reluctance because making payments towards their support is more than just doing the right thing, it is a tangible way of showing that you care and that you love your children. This is especially important if circumstances have prevented you from having the degree of contact with the children that you would like. If you want to be seen to do the right thing notify the PWC that you are no longer liable to pay support for your daughter but you will pay to the end of the month to make the transition easier. After that wait and see what happens, if you daughter starts another qualifying course you may have to pay again up to her 20th birthday or until she leaves the course.

It sounds as if you have done your best re payments but your ex is bound to see things differently. If you know in your heart that you have done your best, hold your head high and don't worry about any bad mouthing, the truth becomes clear in its own good time. Just focus on being a good loving parent to your grown up children.

jacklink

look at things from a different perspective, do your daughters only love you because you hand over money every week ? i doubt it, they love you because your their dad, and if they do happen to go in a strop because payments stop, let them, they will soon realise a dad is worth far more than £40 a week.

rejoice that its over and your free to choose to give or not, or buy gifts or not or have yourself a night on the tiles or not

take care

Poppie68

Blimey don't feel bad, i don't know your situation in regards to contact with your daughters but maybe treating them to a meal once a month will help salve your worries and help with your relationship.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Don't feel bad at all. We are not expected to financially support adult children.

Bollotom

Let her know that you are going to have to stop the payments and tell her when. Then make reducing payments for a couple of months. If your ex hasn't turned you into a monster already then your barking up the wrong tree. The girls are old enough to make their own decisions about you. And do you know that they actually got the money anyway. :cool:

Mips

Print off this thread and let your daughter read the replies herself. Any educated person would understand.

madasabull

Thank you for all your help. I have decided to stop paying maintenance after this week (2 weeks after I no longer was required to). I will wait for more badmouthing and your all right, I shouldn't be feeling bad. I have done everything that has been required of me, and much more. I have also helped with car repairs, clothing, and taken them on lovely holidays.

I have moved 42 miles away and bought a place by the sea with acres of land, a stream and a forest. I have installed a new static caravan for the girls to be able to come and spend their time here with there partners, in their own space, and they have been several times since I installed it last year.

I bought the place because of them, and for when they get kids of their own as a place to have holidays, and of course I benefit too by having them for more than a flying visit

It's hard to believe I have managed this, when I think I left my ex nearly 10 years ago with a plastic bag full of clothes over my back (you know the one guys, we all have one ready with our name on it I had a part time job and nowhere to live.

After 10 years I ended up with no debt, a lovely home and no mortgage, a lovely wife, and even chickens in the garden.

But the best thing of all, is that my daughters are still in contact with me despite my ex's best efforts to change that, they love me to bits, and I love them.

I will suggest to my daughter, as someone commented, that I give my daughter a little allowance to help her look for a job. Although we never talk about maintenance, the both are aware that I pay it on time every time, because there has been times in the past when my ex's bank hasn't credited her bank until the Monday morning instead of the Friday, and she has had the kids tell me when the money didn't cross over on the Friday.

But thank you all again, and I will let you all know the outcome of my stopping payments next Friday.

Steve

barahs

steve

nothing i can add really. You have been entirely responsible and good luck for the future. Not all absent parents are so good.

Sarah