separation advice

scottie23

Hi all. I'm not a new person here, just using a different username as this is a sensitive topic. I'm looking for some advice. OH and self have been together for over 20 years and have two children, both at secondary school. We have never married. We agree we need to separate as things have been bad for many years. We have a mortgage together, I have a reasonable wage but am in a probationary type position, so although I should have a job after June, I may not. OH has a fairly low wage.


I'm just really looking for any advice at all about separating. OH will not move out of the home so my plan is to move to my mother's and live there whilst trying to get council accommodation/somewhere to rent. I don't imagine I would get a mortgage as I am 51 now. OH will have to sell our house. My big worries are how the children will take it - they're not daft, they know things aren't good and I do think it will be better for them in the long run, but still.. Also I worry how I will manage financially. I don't know what advice I'm asking for if you know what I mean, I've never done anything like this before. If anyone can offer any advice or suggestions on anything at all, I would be really grateful. I'm just a bit clueless.

19lottie82

I don't think you will be able to force your ex to sell the house until both the children leave FT education.

Is there a joint mortgage on the property? Will she be able to take it on herself? IF not this could cause you a lot of trouble.

CSA minimum is 20% of your salary for 2 children.

I'd make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

scottie23

Thanks for your reply.


To answer your questions - I'm not forcing my OH to sell, he will stay in the home and sell it. He is not willing to move out and let me remain there with the children and sell it.


There is a joint mortgage and my OH could manage (just) when we leave but not if he has to pay child support. How could this cause me trouble?


Yes, I will make an appointment with a solicitor. I'm just not sure what I need to know - no doubt a solicitor will help with that.

19lottie82 wrote: »

I don't think you will be able to force your ex to sell the house until both the children leave FT education.

Is there a joint mortgage on the property? Will she be able to take it on herself? IF not this could cause you a lot of trouble.

CSA minimum is 20% of your salary for 2 children.

I'd make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

TBagpuss

It could cause you trouble as, unless he re-mortgages to take you off the mortgage, you will remain liable for the mortgage and for any costs if he got into difficulties. If the mortgage went into arrears, both of your credit records would be effected. Also, if he can only just manage the mortgage, without paying any child support, it is unlikely that he will be able to re-mortgage to get you released from the mortgage, let alone to pay you your share of the equity.

What is the housing market like in your area? Is it likely to take long to sell the property?

Be aware that if you move out it is unlikely that you would be eligable for council housing as they are likely to consider either that you are not in housing need( as you own a property) or that you have made yourself homeless.

Stressful though it is, it may be better for you to stay until the house is sold (this will also ensure that you can keep an eye on it and make sure that it is being well presented etc, and as it is less comfortable for him because you are still there too, there is much less of an incentive for him to drag his feet over the sale.

So far as the children are concerned, if you can manage it, the best thing is likely to be for you and your ex to agree what you will say to them, and then tell them together - one of the biggest causes of stress for children whose parents separate is getting caught in the middle of the dispute and being asked (directly or by implication) to take sides. If you and your ex can agree on the 'party line' sothe childnre are geting the same message from both of you, it makes it easier for them to cope. It doesn't need to be complicated. "We aren't getting on well with each other so we've decided we will be splitting up. Both of us still love you very much, we just aren't in love with each other any more. We are not sure yet where each of us will live, but we'll tell you when we know, and you will be able to see both of us" Children often assume that a break up is somehow their fault, and it is helpful if you can explicitly reassure them that that isn't the case.

19lottie82

scottie23 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.


To answer your questions - I'm not forcing my OH to sell, he will stay in the home and sell it. He is not willing to move out and let me remain there with the children and sell it.


There is a joint mortgage and my OH could manage (just) when we leave but not if he has to pay child support. How could this cause me trouble?


Yes, I will make an appointment with a solicitor. I'm just not sure what I need to know - no doubt a solicitor will help with that.

Ah OK, sorry I assumed by your username that you were the father and your partner was the childs mother.

Basically the problem with a joint mortgage is that if one party moves out and the other party doesn't want to sell (I know you said that your partner has agreed to sell, but things don't always run smoothly) then both parties are still responsible for the full amount of the mortgage, and if one party refuses to sell, then a court order is needed to force a sale (and even then solicitors fees to obtain this can run in to thousands).

So in short, you could remain financially linked to this person, and responsible for paying 100% of a mortgage for a house that your ex is residing in, but you are not.

Could you afford the mortgage alone with your wages, tax credits and maintenance? If so this would be the best way forward for you and the kids.

Why will your ex not let you take on house if he is willing to sell it anyway?

scottie23

19lottie82 wrote: »

Could you afford the mortgage alone with your wages, tax credits and maintenance? If so this would be the best way forward for you and the kids.

Why will your ex not let you take on house if he is willing to sell it anyway?

I could afford the mortgage etc, yes. He feels that he has not got anywhere to go, not enough money to find anywhere else to live and selling is the only way he will get any money - those are his thoughts, not mine. This is all despite the fact that, as far as I'm aware, he has not done anything at all about finding anywhere to live etc etc. He has stuck his head in the sand.

scottie23

Thank you, your advice is really helpful. I hadn't even considered that I would be making myself homeless. I will have to get in touch with a solicitor asap.

TBagpuss wrote: »

It could cause you trouble as, unless he re-mortgages to take you off the mortgage, you will remain liable for the mortgage and for any costs if he got into difficulties. If the mortgage went into arrears, both of your credit records would be effected. Also, if he can only just manage the mortgage, without paying any child support, it is unlikely that he will be able to re-mortgage to get you released from the mortgage, let alone to pay you your share of the equity.

What is the housing market like in your area? Is it likely to take long to sell the property?

Be aware that if you move out it is unlikely that you would be eligable for council housing as they are likely to consider either that you are not in housing need( as you own a property) or that you have made yourself homeless.

Stressful though it is, it may be better for you to stay until the house is sold (this will also ensure that you can keep an eye on it and make sure that it is being well presented etc, and as it is less comfortable for him because you are still there too, there is much less of an incentive for him to drag his feet over the sale.

So far as the children are concerned, if you can manage it, the best thing is likely to be for you and your ex to agree what you will say to them, and then tell them together - one of the biggest causes of stress for children whose parents separate is getting caught in the middle of the dispute and being asked (directly or by implication) to take sides. If you and your ex can agree on the 'party line' sothe childnre are geting the same message from both of you, it makes it easier for them to cope. It doesn't need to be complicated. "We aren't getting on well with each other so we've decided we will be splitting up. Both of us still love you very much, we just aren't in love with each other any more. We are not sure yet where each of us will live, but we'll tell you when we know, and you will be able to see both of us" Children often assume that a break up is somehow their fault, and it is helpful if you can explicitly reassure them that that isn't the case.

19lottie82

scottie23 wrote: »

I could afford the mortgage etc, yes. He feels that he has not got anywhere to go, not enough money to find anywhere else to live and selling is the only way he will get any money - those are his thoughts, not mine. This is all despite the fact that, as far as I'm aware, he has not done anything at all about finding anywhere to live etc etc. He has stuck his head in the sand.

He cannot force you to sell the house, until the children leave FT education, if you don't want to.
He is being selfish, putting his wants before the children's needs.

I echo the advice of a previous post. DO NOT move out, even if you agree to a sale.