Sister suicide, no body...don't know how to cope

Job_22

Hello all. I was a member here years ago, when I used to swap recipes and chat about the kids...I remember what great advice I always got and what a lovely bunch you all are. So now I am back, looking for someone to talk to I guess to try to make sense of the monumentally terrible mess I currently find myself in.

My sister disappeared in January this year. She walked out into the freezing night, taking nothing with her, not even a jacket. She has been missing ever since. There is a police enquiry...but we as a family know she has taken her own life. She had a history of severe depression, lasting over ten years, and was seeing a a psychiatrist. She was also the main carer for her husband who had secondary progressive MS. She told me a year ago she was thinking about killing herself. She later shrugged it off and would not talk about it, but I subsequently went with her to three pshychiatric appointments and also wrote two letters expressing my concern; one to her consultant, one to her GP. Neither even had the good manners to reply. Now my sister is gone.

She has been missing for seven weeks, without a single sighting. She had no money, no savings, and had not made any withdrawals in the time leading up to her disappearance. Her purse, cards, phone etc all left behind. The police are still treating her as a 'missing person'...but it has all been scaled down now. We all are sure that my sister has committed suicide, probably by walking into the sea, or throwing herself off a road Bridge which she virtually lived underneath, and looked at every day. A number of people are thought/known to have died this way in the last ten years in this area, and not one body has been recovered. The river is basically the sea - it is at the beginning of a huge estuary and is 100 feet deep in places with known erratic tides and currents.

When she went missing, I had to go to her house (in a different town) for a month to sort out emergency respite, and then full time care for her husband who is very disabled physically and cognitively, and has no clue what is going on. She also left behind a 21 year old son, who is in bits. The legal and practical side is quite simply a nightmare. My sister had made me POA, but it refers to incapacitation...not in absentia. Usually in death the will would then take over from the POA but without a body, we are in no mans land, and have to apply the public guardian for ratification. There is no precedent for this apparently. It's like the blind leading the blind, as although many people go missing, there is usually at least one adult left behind with access and knowledge of the finances etc., but in this case, there is no one. It is just huge, such a legal mess with so many strands. Mortgages to be paid, residential home to be paid...and who will pay? There is so much to do, and legally it will cost a fortune we are still in terrible limbo with no body, and yet we know she must be dead.

On top of all of this, my father has mild Alzheimers...my mother is living in a twilight zone where Dad wakes up every day and asks where his daughter is, and we have to break the news all over again. Suffering upon suffering...and I miss my beautiful big sister so much. She was so wise, so clever, and she is the only person in all of this that I want to talk to. To ask advice. I was always the young one ...and now it is all up to me to sort it all out. I feel so overwhelmed.

I simply cannot get my head around the fact that I will never talk to her again, see her again. It still does not seem real. I can't even properly cry. I guess it is the minds way of coping with so much...something has to be blocked out. In my case, it seems to be grief (at the moment.) I just feel numb. And angry. And so sad. I need to find out exactly what happened on that night. I hate to think of her suffering.

Hoping I can get some comfort here and some way of coming to terms with it all...and I guess, any help at all with how I start sorting this mess out. I know that we will have to wait seven years to apply for declaration of death. I know I need more help and advice in real life than i can get from a forum...and I do have a good lawyer. But I need as much input as I can get, as I just don't know what I am doing.

Thank you for listening

lavalamp

I really don't have any advice for you, but couldn't read and run. So, so sorry for the loss of your sister, I hope things ease for you and that you can have some closure soon. Hugs x

Cacran

I really feel for you, but that does not help. I wonder if CRUISE could help you.

CRANKY40

Try this group. I met one of the founders on a widow site after unexpectedly becoming a young widow (not by suicide though).

https://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/index.htm

So sorry for your loss.

pollypenny

Oh, you poor thing! I don't know what to say?

Does the husband have a social worker who can help. Did your sister work and have some sort of link with a staff association or union?

This is the second thread in as many days where someone is trapped in an horrendous situation.

ClootiesMum

Not much in the way of advice but am so sorry to hear about your sister. I think I live just down the road from her.....
Don't feel guilty for feeling numb, angry or sad - whatever you feel is right - and sometimes just dealing with all the things that need to be done (as you seem to be doing) is what keeps you going.
I sincerely hope you get some information to give you peace.
As for the credit cards - phone them and let them know the situation - possibly even newspaper clippings - they should be able to put the accounts on hold for a period of time. Not sure if this would be the same for the mortgage but worth the asking.

ttc39

So sorry to read your dreadful news :-(

Sending a virtual hug x

Mojisola

Job_22 wrote: »

On top of all of this, my father has mild Alzheimers...my mother is living in a twilight zone where Dad wakes up every day and asks where his daughter is, and we have to break the news all over again.

What a dreadful situation you are in - so sorry.

Having dealt with family members with dementia - do you need to tell your Dad every day? After Mum died, if Dad forgot and asked where she was, we would give him an explanation that seemed reasonable to him and he would carry on. We found it wasn't necessary to upset him day after day with the truth.

Job_22

Thanks all. I have spent the day phoning gas, electric, mobile phone etc. I've cancelled her mobile phone contract. Her work has been incredibly helpful, but there are problems with her being missing and the pension paying out...need to prove death in service, and if we cant get declaration of death for seven years, I just don't know what will happen there. It's all 'what ifs', and no concrete facts to work on. Local social work dept are being brilliant and have given us a lot of help.

There is nothing to do I guess, but wait and pray.

Nice to be able to talk about it though, to people who are not involved...

Edit: Mojisola..thanks. Dad has a very strange form of dementia. Takes everything in one day, retains it, talks about it then forgets suddenly...and remembers again in a day or two. If we tell him she is missing, he doesn't understand the concept, but remembers he has been told. He knows there is something wrong, and tends to ask daily if she has phoned yet. I say no...then I see his face while his brain tries to work it out..missing...? I don't know what else to say to him. I don't say she is OK. I couldn't do that, he would be so happy if only for a wee while and it would just break me.

Mojisola

Job_22 wrote: »

There is nothing to do I guess, but wait and pray.

Nice to be able to talk about it though, to people who are not involved...

When you're coping with so much, it's important to make sure you get enough support. If friends offer to help, take them up on it - even if it's only making sure that you eat properly a few nights a week.

gwynlas

Really sorry to hear your news. Please remember that she did what she felt best for her and is now probably at peace.Her ending would appear to have been swift and therefore relatively painless compared to what it might have been
As you have poa let all creditors know situation and accounts should be frozen.
How long is left on mortgage?
Google all you can as others must have been in similar situations before.
It might help if you have some type of service for closure even if you are not religious you could have a memorial and thanks for her life.
Unfortunately I think that your nephew would be classes as NOK if his father unable to take this responsibility and he would need help from benefits office or CAB to apply for help to pay residential fees.
Do not rush into consulting solicitor or trying to deal with everything it would take time even under normal circumstances.
You unfortunately seem to have a lot on your plate so be kind to yourself and ask others for help as you have done by writing to the forum.