Sister suicide, no body...don't know how to cope

Job_22

Thanks. I genuinely do feel she is at peace. She was so tormented in life. That is why I know she wouldn't have run off somewhere. What would have been the point, she couldn't run away from the inside of her own head. She would just be sitting in a strange place with the same mental hell. it is hard, on FB etc..so many people who want to help, being positive, perhaps not knowing about her mental health issues...saying maybe she just needed a break and will come back. Same with the police asking us to do appeals...I wish I felt I could do one with some conviction, but I just can't. There is another family in a similar situation in Nottingham, and I saw the son saying that every day that goes by without a body gives him hope, hope that she is still alive. I wish I could feel that, but then they don't live next to a tidal estuary, famed for its unpredictable tides. If she is in the sea, we will never get her back.

Job_22

I wonder when it would be appropriate to have some sort of celebration of life...? I have no idea.

Mojisola

Job_22 wrote: »

I wonder when it would be appropriate to have some sort of celebration of life...? I have no idea.

It would have to be what feels right for you and the rest of the family. There's no right or wrong - perhaps her birthday or some other significant date during the year to come?

lostinrates

Job_22 wrote: »

Edit: Mojisola..thanks. Dad has a very strange form of dementia. Takes everything in one day, retains it, talks about it then forgets suddenly...and remembers again in a day or two. If we tell him she is missing, he doesn't understand the concept, but remembers he has been told. He knows there is something wrong, and tends to ask daily if she has phoned yet. I say no...then I see his face while his brain tries to work it out..missing...? I don't know what else to say to him. I don't say she is OK. I couldn't do that, he would be so happy if only for a wee while and it would just break me.

There is an approach with dementia where you answer a question with a question, this might be particularly useful for you and your dad. I am so sorry I cannot remember any terms to google for a link for you. I wonder if other readers here might, I heard it first on woman's hour so e years ago and wished we had known of it for my grand mother. Its meant to be very helpful.

An example might be when he asks whee she is you ask him where he thinks she is. I know it must be terribly pain ful for you.

ClootiesMum

Just a wee note - I know it's far too early for you to consider this but if you look at the Scottish courts website it advises that you might not have to wait the 7 years for the declaration.
Take care of yourself

mum2one

Can't offer any advice, just wanted to send a big hug, and hope everything goes ok xx

Job_22

Hi Clootie...thanks for the heads up. I think it depends on the circumstances...ie, if someone is lost at sea and last seen on the boat, or if the boat wreckage washes up, then they can apply for declaration sooner. In our case, it is definitely the seven years unless her physical remains turn up..

madbadrob

ClootiesMum wrote: »

Just a wee note - I know it's far too early for you to consider this but if you look at the Scottish courts website it advises that you might not have to wait the 7 years for the declaration.
Take care of yourself

7 years is the norm then the coroners court will take evidence and based on that evidence will usually issue a missing presumed dead death cert.

For the OP whilst you believe she has committed suicide and I feel for the grief you are suffering right now there is always that chance she is still alive. Its not unknown for people suffering with a mental health issue to just walk out and live on the streets. Deal with this in your own way because that is how you will come to terms with it and find solace

Rob

growler834

I'm so sorry about your sister's disappearance and the plight you find yourselves in. Where your father's dementia is concerned I suggest you contact Alzheimer Scotland for advice on what best to say to your father. My mum-in-law used to get very distressed if she was told her husband was dead when she wanted to know where he was. So I used to say he was at work & it mollified her until the next time she asked. I know you won't feel like lying & your father will realise that things aren't normal in your family so the experts at AS may be able to advise you better. I hope you find answers quickly to your sister's disappearance & your family find some peace in the coming months.

http://www.alzscot.org/

Freephone 0808 808 3000

Angie x

cte1111

One of my relatives committed suicide in a similar way, although we had some more evidence. A driver had seen someone standing near the edge of a cliff, when he turned back to investigate, the person had gone. A police helicopter was able to 'see' a body later in the sea, they were able to pick up the metal of hip replacements, although no body was ever recovered. My relative had previously spoken of committing suicide in this way. I think that there was an inquest and my relative was declared dead. Other relatives were then able to deal with the estate.

I'm afraid I didn't do any of the paperwork or other steps taken in the process as I was working abroad, so I can't really help with any specifics. Our family held a memorial service about 6 months later.

Re your brother-in-law, there will need to be a financial assessment to determine who pays for his care. I think that their house will be excluded from the assessment, as without evidence to the contrary, it will still count as the residence of your sister (this is just a guess btw but seems consistent). Your BIL's other assets will therefore be assessed. Here's some information on that:
http://www.nidirect.gov.uk/paying-your-residential-care-or-nursing-home-fees

The council will do the financial assessment, hopefully this is something that you and your nephew can look at together. I'd try and prioritise that for now, so then you both know that your BIL is sorted and can then start to come to terms with the loss of your sister and look at how to deal with the rest of the finances, although this will wait I would think.