Help! How do we afford to split up??

lorralove

This morning I just never imagined I could ever feel so bad. Life has truly dealt me some terrible cards and though I thought I was strong, I am unable to find a way to deal with this one.
I am in a relationship that unfortunately is going nowhere. Both of us have known it for a long time I think but are just too scared to deal with all the hard work splitting up will involve. I am depressed to admit it but we have been putting sticking plasters over our problems for ages and things just don't improve long term. I need some really good practical advice. We have a mortgage, loans and credit cards together, though most are in my husbands name. Is it possible to break up a relationship amicably and sort out your financial problems, tie up loose ends etc and move on? We have four children involved here and I'm desperate to protect them from hurt, but cannot face the prospect of the rest of my life in this situation? I am totally at the end of my tether and just want some constructive advice. I just don't know where to begin...

Curious_George_2

firstly, sorry to hear your in a bad situation xXx

I cant really give you any advice about the mortgage, but what i will say is please be careful what you tell the children, you dont say how old they are but please try not to lie to them... they dont need to know everything.. but they dont need to be even more confused by finding out you havent been straight with them,
and NEVER slag each other off infront of the children no matter how nasty things might get...

i can only give this advice as the child of a terrible divorce that affected my life for some time (still does in some ways and it all happened over 23 years ago) it certainly ruined my relationship with my mother, forever...
and i am also one half of a broken relationship that lasted 10 years with one child who was 4 1/2 at the time, a split that was / is very amicable (despite my family thinking its weird we get on so well now :rolleyes: )
because i did the opposite of everything my parents did, me and my other half get on fabulously with my ex , we see each other a lot and he has our daughter when he is home (he works away)

with a bit of effort it really can work, you can be free, on your own for the first time in years and just feeling that weight falling from your shoulders...
dont expect it to happen over night, there will be some hard times but it will all be worth it,
I hardly earned any money at all when we split and we had debts together but he was very good to me for the sake of our daughter, it was difficult but things have a way of working out.

i remember thinking that i didnt realise how unhappy i was, until i met someone else and they made me smile again and feel worth something,
i dont think you realise how bad you let things get just for the sake of 'habit' and worry about the kids,
trust me, despite how it feels it will be much better in the long run for them to see you and him in a working relationship as friends, then destroying each other as partners,

good luck with everything

borderlakland

sorry to hear of your problems lorralove i was in v similar situatiom 3 yrs ago i decided to bite the bullet and leave with our 4 kids. i moved into rented property and left him with house and mortgage as both were in his name. i took my debts then after a few weeks of realising i couldn't cover them i contacted cccs and set up dmp. after a few rough monthes we are both happier(apart) than we ever were together. we both have new partners and the kids have adjusted remarkably well.they have regular contact with their dad and his new partner. i will admit it was hard but i have never once regretted it.imho my kids are far better off having 2 parents apart and happy than 2 together making each other misserable.they have adjusted well to both our new partners and they think they have the best of both worlds
i agree with what george says don't lie to the kids you have to judge what you say them depending on ages of them we have always (tried)not to argue in front of them and agree to back each other up with them(ds1 had computer ban from me due to fighting ex continued ban when kids stayed with him) at the end of the day its only a decission you can make but i'm glad i made the big step

halia

I just want to ask, the two peopl who say they now get on better with their ex partners. How did the actual split go - I am seriuosly thinking that our relationship has run its course and the 'bad' is starting to outweigh the 'good'. I'd prefer a strong friendship and happiness for us both than a relationship that is full of cracks and arguments.

Curious_George_2

obviously it was difficult, we had been together 10 years (since i was 18) and the thought of being without him scared the crap out of me even though it was a mutual decision (although he did start to turn it and try to make me feel like it was my decision)
it was a bit hairy to start with, we argued for the first time ever, he would come over to talk and one time i actually threw him out, he snooped through my stuff when i trusted him in the house alone,
he accused me of affairs with his friends (not a bloody chance)
with some of MY friends (yep, we pretty much had separate lives by the end) and then he accused me of having a lesbian affiar with a girly mate of mine!!
and when i looked after a friend after she had an abortion he asked if it was really me that had it done... he was grasping for any reason for the break up so he didnt have to face up to the fact it might be half his fault...

basically, it was a rough few months but like everything else, keep telling yourself.... it will pass
one day soon after when i had my finances sorted, i was going out that night for the first time in ages, wearing a bit of make up (without having to defend myself) and i got in as late as i liked (without getting ignored for it the next morning) and didnt have to explain myself or mention everyone i had seen and the things i had done and it felt brilliant

when i think back to how bad things were at the end and how good they are now, i could never ever go back,
we were going to end up hating each other and neither of us wanted that so it really was better for all concerned that we took the leap and split when we did.

lorralove

Thanks so much everyone for such good advice. I must admit, it sounds very daunting going through a divorce and I'm so worried at the prospect. Of course, I would prefer to "make things work", but when somethings totally broken how do you do that? We keep falling out, making up and falling out again. I can't help thinking we would all be better off apart, but just the mention of my intentions has him on the attack. He promised he would go for custody of the children straight away and that scares the hell out of me. I could not go through that and could never put my children through it either. I am still confused but avoiding the obvious I think. Thanks again...

TheWaltons_3

lorralove wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone for such good advice. I must admit, it sounds very daunting going through a divorce and I'm so worried at the prospect. Of course, I would prefer to "make things work", but when somethings totally broken how do you do that? We keep falling out, making up and falling out again. I can't help thinking we would all be better off apart, but just the mention of my intentions has him on the attack. He promised he would go for custody of the children straight away and that scares the hell out of me. I could not go through that and could never put my children through it either. I am still confused but avoiding the obvious I think. Thanks again...

I think this is an instant reaction men make towards a woman when they split up! Men know we love our children, and to have them taken away from us would break us.

In extreme cases, men would be granted full custody.. but yours isn't an extreme case.

Have you tried Relate? it really could help, but you would have to go willingly.

hobo28

lorralove wrote: »

This morning I just never imagined I could ever feel so bad. Life has truly dealt me some terrible cards and though I thought I was strong, I am unable to find a way to deal with this one.
I am in a relationship that unfortunately is going nowhere. Both of us have known it for a long time I think but are just too scared to deal with all the hard work splitting up will involve. I am depressed to admit it but we have been putting sticking plasters over our problems for ages and things just don't improve long term. I need some really good practical advice. We have a mortgage, loans and credit cards together, though most are in my husbands name. Is it possible to break up a relationship amicably and sort out your financial problems, tie up loose ends etc and move on? We have four children involved here and I'm desperate to protect them from hurt, but cannot face the prospect of the rest of my life in this situation? I am totally at the end of my tether and just want some constructive advice. I just don't know where to begin...

Sometimes it is better to just break up and move on. No-one here knows the correct answer, only you will. However, if you think splitting up will stop your arguments and be the answer to your prayers then you are wrong.

All that will end up happening is you will still argue, just over different things. You are both tied together forever because you have children together. So for example, if now you argue about the money to pay your bills, tomorrow that argument is likely to be over child maintenance.

You can break up amicably but its very unusual. Thats because if you could agree on things then you'd probably be sticking together! From what you've said in your later post, I think it would be unlikely.

I'm not advocating that you stay in an unhappy relationship. Just trying to point out that the grass is not always greener.

ailuro2

Ask your dp what he thinks you could do to get on better....

If he agrees you could try counselling- make sure you have explored every avenue before you call it a day- sometimes a trial separation can mae people see things a bit more clearly....or perhaps get grandma/pa to look after the kids while you have a couple of days away to explore what you can do to make life easier one way or another.

Best of luck..

borderlakland

halia wrote: »

I just want to ask, the two peopl who say they now get on better with their ex partners. How did the actual split go - I am seriuosly thinking that our relationship has run its course and the 'bad' is starting to outweigh the 'good'. I'd prefer a strong friendship and happiness for us both than a relationship that is full of cracks and arguments.

the split was strained to start with and had several rough patches over money etc but now we get on ok prob better than we did for last few yrs of marriage.we talk on phone amicably chat when he picks up or drops kids off.we see each other at school events when poss.at 1st kids thought they could play 1 of against the other whch they did for a short while but now we back each other up.and they know we keep each other informed of whats going on we always let the other know of anything good or bad that has happened with the kids,i keep him informed of school stuff etc.
few friends have said how civelised we are but at the end of the day our kids shouldn't suffer cos of our problems.
i'll never say it was easy but i have no regrets at all
i know not every split ends up like ours but its a damn site easier getting on apart than rowing and being together.i think you know yourself when its over goodluck whatever you decide.feel free to pm if you want halia