Helping my mother with her debt

Skittles26

Hi, I think I'm just hoping to vent a bit here really but any help or support you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

My mother has always struggled with finances, and is a pretty big ostrich when it comes to dealing with it, which makes it difficult to understand the full extent of the problem. So far as I'm aware, she has:

A marks and spencer credit card which she paid the balance off some 6 months ago but suspect she is using again
A Mbna credit card balance of £1,420 with a limit of 1,500 that she makes £45 minimum monthly payments on
A few hundred pounds on an overdraft
A next directory account, up to £500 will be on there
Between 2 and 4 loans, she's particularly vague about these but I suspect anywhere between 12k and 20k is on here

It was her 50th birthday this week and I really want her to battle this. The stress I can see it doing to her is really worrying me, particularly as I know heart problems have plagued my female relatives in their 50s from her side of the family.

The biggest issue, other than the huge amount she owes, is the secrecy and the relationship my mother and father have in regards to money. I almost consider my father financially abusive, as he withholds access to money and is constantly nagging my mother about money 'she owes him' ie from christmas gifts or if she withdraws £10 from the joint account to buy petrol. A lot of my mothers debts haven't been indulgent, just day to day living costs that her 'allocated pocket money' wouldn't cover. What's particularly galling is the fact my mother earns nearly double what my father does, however has next to no access to it. Her wages of £2,200 are paid into their joint account, at which point at the beginning of the month £400 is paid into my mothers account to pay food shopping and toiletries, and she has a £120 personal allowance which is to cover her petrol (£60/70) any family birthday gifts, clothes for the whole family, my younger sisters after school activities etc etc so family expenses rather than personal ones. My father is completely unaware of these debts she has, and is trying to finance all of the minimum payments out of this £520 as well as buying the food and birthday gifts, while my father has a season ticket to a premiership football team, spends £40 on alcohol a week, buys a takeaway a week and does an additional food shop of luxury items at marks and Spencer's so basically lives the life or Riley.

Gosh, I'm aware I've ranted a bit here now. My mother likes to unburden her money problems onto me as I am still living at home, but it's very difficult to live with the secrecy and the atmosphere it brings. This week I am hoping to tackle my mother again and intervene, hopefully I will put up a soa for my mother in the coming days. Many thanks to anyone who has managed to get through reading this, it would be great if anyone could offer advice if they've been in this situation before.

whodathunkit

Have either of your parents asked for your help with their finances? If they, haven't, you need to mind your own business.

19lottie82

The main point here is, if your mother doesn't want your help, then she is unlikely to change.
A lot of parents would also be uncomfortable sharing their financial details with their children.

To be fair the amount of £ your mother has to spend on food and personal expenses doesn't sound unreasonable.

These are matters between your mother and father, and besides letting your mother know you are there is she wants to talk or needs advice / support, I would stay out of it.

Skittles26

Yes, my mother has asked me to help out. My mother asks me to hide her bank statements and any post that comes to the door or deal with phone calls asking for her. I helped her to pay off the balance of one of her earlier cards and I'm hoping to pay off the Mbna card this month for her. It feels awful seeing the stress she is under, I really can see it killing her.

Skittles26

I don't disagree that the budget she is given doesn't look too prohibitive, it likely wouldn't be if she wasn't putting £200/300 aside each month for debt repayments. I guess it's just difficult to accept when I see they live such vastly different lifestyles, where my father has no financial cares in the world, never has to question any of his spending etc.

19lottie82

I think the main issue here is your mother standing up to your father re her wages and how much she contributes to the running of the household.

A SOA is hard to do unless it contains her income and your fathers , and they both have equal responsibility with the cash.

Skittles26

Absolutely, I can see that there are two issues that cloud each other, one of the money and the other being their relationship. I appreciate it's not my place to conduct my parents relationship with each other, and I know she won't tell him about the debts or stand up to him. The light at the end of the tunnel she has is that she has a brilliant pension plan where she will receive a cash lump sum, which I think she is hoping will solve all of her problems. The only trouble is what if she never makes it to pension age? It's just difficult listening to your mother discuss scenarios about what ifs she has a heart attack, that I am to hide paperwork and deal with these credit card companies.

whodathunkit

Presumably the money your mother has for housekeeping will be more than you mention because there will be your "keep" money on top?

Flugelhorn

for starters I suggest your mother has her salary paid into a separate account in her own name and transfers some to the joint account ...

Skittles26

Of the £520 she has a month, £300 would be paying debt payments. £60/70 is petrol money. £60 a month is for my fathers alcohol, that's not negotiable when it would come to the argument if she didn't get it. £15/20 a month is pets cost for our rabbit. This leaves £70 a month for food shopping, clothes, school uniforms, school trips, after school activities, birthday presents, car parking, entertainment just day to day expenses. I pay my father my keep, however also give my mother £40 here and there towards the shopping as inevitably towards the end of the month there isn't much left. I also bought my mother a new pair of work shoes as her old ones had fallen apart and she had taped them together. If she had taken the £25 out of the joint account to buy them herself she would probably have 25 taken out of her next months budget so it doesn't seem worth it.

Skittles26

Flugelhorn wrote: »

for starters I suggest your mother has her salary paid into a separate account in her own name and transfers some to the joint account ...

I know that's what I think she should do, absolutely. If she paid her half of a contribution towards all of the bills, she would have a personal surplus of about £1000 which could almost all go on the debt payments.