Marriage breakdown - financial help urgently needed

bigmistake28

Hi

I'm on here under a different name and am a regular poster but want to make sure I'm not found by my ex.

I desperately need some help about the financial situation going forwards.

We've been together for 8 years and married for 6. I've got 2 teenage children, one of them still lives with me. We've got no children together.

He moved into a house that I already owned and had lived in for 11 years before I knew him and started paying me housekeeping, the same as he'd been paying for rent in a shared house and making me, probably, worse off financially.

This time last year we moved to a new town. My parents helped me to buy the house we're in now outright and keep the original house, along with the mortgage (in my sole name), to rent out now with a view to it being my children's inheritance.

For the whole of this time he's been happy that the house isn't his and his name isn't on the deeds.

He's paid for bits and pieces that have needed doing over the years we've been together (the odd tin of paint, door bells, outside lights etc) but all of the major expenditure has been made by me - new patio, furniture, new kitchen.

He's never been in a position, financially, to get on the property ladder.

Our relationship has been very rocky for a long time and myself and my daughter have been walking on egg-shells for the past couple of years and, while he was never violent, he was emotionally controlling and quite scary at times.
He walked out just before Christmas and I didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks. I think he moved in with his parents but I'm not sure.

I'm in a very fortunate situation that I've had the help from my parents and the value of my assets is around £600,000. I know this is a lot but I don't have any money left after I've paid all of the bills and loans etc.

The housekeeping he's paid me started off at £400 per month for a few years and then went up to £500 per month a couple of years ago.

He always said he wouldn't have a pre-nuptual (not that I asked for one) but about a week before he moved out he said he wanted to get some sort of agreement drawn up to protect him if something went wrong! If I'd suggested that he would have hit the roof. He did say that he wouldn't ever stitch me up but also that he wouldn't be stitched up if things did go wrong.

I've been to see a couple of solicitors, the free initial meeting sessions but don't really know where to go from here.

I received a letter from him a couple of weeks ago suggesting mediation as a way of coming to a reasonable settlement.

I've been along for a mediation session, on my own, and have been told that the legal starting position is 50:50. I was horrified and really scared that I've got a lot of money, and also money my parents have given / lent to ME, not him, and that he could end up taking out more than he's EVER given me in housekeeping.

I wrote back to him asking him what he thinks is a reasonable settlement and am awaiting his reply.

Can someone please help me as I really don't know what to expect and what a 'reasonable settlement' would be. Any ideas?

Sorry for such a long post and thanks for reading.

marisco_2

bigmistake28 wrote: »

I wrote back to him asking him what he thinks is a reasonable settlement and am awaiting his reply.

He will most likely seek legal advice before making any response to you. As yours is not a particularly short marriage the 50:50 starting point is correct. Try to come to as amicable agreement as you can on a reasonable settlement between you both, before involving solicitors to legalise everything is my advice. Otherwise you could spend a fortune battling it out. In this instance the only ones who will benefit in the end will be those who represent each of you.

tinkerbell28

Sorry it doesn't work like that when you're married,

Both places have been his martial home. So when the parents gifted to to YOU, they were in fact gifting it to the marriage really.

There's a thread on here which is kind of the polar opposite to yours. Parents gifting assets and wanting a pre nup incase their child divorces.

You've got to stop thinking ME, ME, ME. That way disappointment lies. What they gifted me, what he paid me in housekeeping, what I did, etc.

You were married, as he's probably found out now, that gives him significant rights as both houses are assets of the marriage. Especially as you've been married a while and he's lived in both. £500 PCM isn't exactly small fry either, if he earns less than you. He wasn't able to get on the property ladder no, but as a married couple you did and he invested an income into the house too. It's not like he didn't contribute.

Obviously the legal advice you've had has scared you, I'm not surprised, it's probably come as a shock. But I would be very careful of people advising you "it will be ok" or meaning well on forums.

Unfortunately for you, he's got a definite entitlement to those assets. How much is down to how good your solicitor is, if you can't agree in mediation, if I'm brutal. It sounds like he's getting basic at least, legal advice.

bigmistake28

marisco wrote: »

He will most likely seek legal advice before making any response to you. As yours is not a particularly short marriage the 50:50 starting point is correct. Try to come to as amicable agreement as you can on a reasonable settlement between you both, before involving solicitors to legalise everything is my advice. Otherwise you could spend a fortune battling it out. In this instance the only ones who will benefit in the end will be those who represent each of you.

I went to see a solicitor a couple of months before he moved our, as I knew things were going wrong, and he said I might get away with it being a short marriage but it needed to finish sooner rather than later.

I guess I'll have to see what my ex comes back with as a 'reasonable settlement' and decide whether or not to go to mediation or for a solicitor who'll well and truly fight my corner.

marisco_2

bigmistake28 wrote: »

I guess I'll have to see what my ex comes back with as a 'reasonable settlement' and decide whether or not to go to mediation or for a solicitor who'll well and truly fight my corner.

Banking on coming out on top by finding a solicitor who will well and truly fight your corner is a fools game. No offence meant there. As I said before solicitors love nothing more than a good legal wrangle because it keeps them in business and costs their clients a small fortune. I wish you well however you decide to proceed.

tinkerbell28

bigmistake28 wrote: »

I went to see a solicitor a couple of months before he moved our, as I knew things were going wrong, and he said I might get away with it being a short marriage but it needed to finish sooner rather than later.

I guess I'll have to see what my ex comes back with as a 'reasonable settlement' and decide whether or not to go to mediation or for a solicitor who'll well and truly fight my corner.

That's not how you want to play it really. 600k assets will have them :beer: kerrrrching.

Then you'll probably end up with more money spent of legal fees than you would've given him. I'd make it your only goal, to thrash out an offer in meditation.

If you can't you're going to need good legal help and that will cost.

Annisele

bigmistake28 wrote: »

I went to see a solicitor a couple of months before he moved our, as I knew things were going wrong, and he said I might get away with it being a short marriage but it needed to finish sooner rather than later.

In that case, you might be better paying for your own legal advice now, rather than waiting to see what your ex does. It sounds as though the longer you leave it, the less likely it is that you'll "get away with it being a short marriage".

On the limited information you've given, I think the starting position is likely to be that you owe him £300k. It's probably worth spending some of that money on legal fees!

Don't forget about pensions - both yours and his. They can be included in the settlement. Also don't forget that any money your parents lent you isn't yours - therefore isn't part of your assets - therefore can't be claimed by your ex.

tinkerbell28

Annisele wrote: »

In that case, you might be better paying for your own legal advice now, rather than waiting to see what your ex does. It sounds as though the longer you leave it, the less likely it is that you'll "get away with it being a short marriage".

On the limited information you've given, I think the starting position is likely to be that you owe him £300k. It's probably worth spending some of that money on legal fees!

Don't forget about pensions - both yours and his. They can be included in the settlement. Also don't forget that any money your parents lent you isn't yours - therefore isn't part of your assets - therefore can't be claimed by your ex.

That's awful advice. As with ops assets a solicitor is going to love her. A huge chunk of ops assets will end up in legal fees if she goes that way. Mark my words. In cases like this legal fees will escalate. Ops had basic legal advice before and didn't like it. She'd be wise to get a second opinion. But keep legal costs out of it for now.

Secondly her parents don't seem to have "lent her the money" but near enough gifted her a home, leaving the other marital home for future inheritance of the grand kids. By allowing it to be a let. As it's in ops name, it's very much her asset and therefore an asset of the marriage.

Unless op has contracts and properly binding legal documentation drawn up at the time, to show this was a loan and the parents have an interest in the property. Those houses/money were given to her, as a married woman, and he lived there as the marital home. That gives him significant clout.

Which is why there is another thread on here about pre nups. The woman is in the husbands position here.

She is getting married and the parents are/have gifted a huge chunk to the house, or bought it outright. They seem more savvy and know that in the event of a divorce.....gifted by the inlaws to their son or not. It's his house and becomes an asset of the marriage/marital home. So the parents want a pre nup. To stop this exact situation.

Thegirl

Have a look at www.wikivorce.com. Genuinely, brilliant advice there.

I will start by saying I'm sorry your marriage has broken down. I'm also sorry for the predicament that you find yourself in. I wish what I could say now would be he can't touch the money gifted from your parents and you get to keep the house you owned before marriage and the one you currently live in, but, this is not going to be one of those posts I'm afraid.

The starting point will always be 50/50 in divorce. You still have the children at home, so a tip in your favour there. In my opinion, your marriage will likely be classed as long, any cohabitation is added to your six years married when divorcing.

Good news, you have two houses. You may not perceive what I write next as good news, particularly given your intent for the house, but I believe it is. You can both be housed from the marital pot without anything needing to be sold at the moment. So even if the end result of this once the children have left home is that a house needs to be sold to release equity, nothing needs to change for the timebeing. That leaves both of you in a better position than most people entering a divorce.

I would seek further advice from a solicitor, but you really need to know what you want before you go.
If you go in and say 'can I protect all of the assets I perceive as my own?' they will likely reply 'I can try'.
If you go in and ask for brutal honesty about what you can realistically expect to get, you might not like the response, but it will at least help you come to terms with what the future holds.
You can both employ solicitors who can fight tooth and nail for you both. At tremendous cost. Someone wrote on here once, drive to a nice car showroom with your soon to be ex, find a beautiful sports car and decide that in a years time who would you like to see driving it. You, or your solicitor? Because that is the cost of an expensive, acrimonious divorce.


What you walk away from a divorce with should be fair from a legal point of view. What morally you believe he is entitled to is largely irrelevant and will differ wildly from a legal standpoint.

rpc

bigmistake28 wrote: »

I'm in a very fortunate situation that I've had the help from my parents and the value of my assets is around £600,000.

Start from the premise that these aren't "my assets" they are "our assets." That is what marriage is.

Settlement is unlikely to be 50:50 in view of the children but that is a starting point.

I can't see a short marriage argument working - usually two years is considered to be about the limit.

Make sure you get all this sorted by the court - (in England) without an order in place any agreement can be revisited in future and he could come back for more.