Can you help me to support my sister???

Blade26

My sister got divorced last year, she still lives in the former marital home. She attended court last week to attempt to sort out the finances with her ex husband; I went as moral support and to be honest I feel out of my depth.

I was hoping some of you might be able to give me advice as to how I can best support her.

They were married for 3 and a bit years, no kids, he left her and moved out with little/no explanation, all communication has been via solicitors as he just will not engage with my sister - so it's also very costly. The only assets are the marital home and their pensions, no savings to speak of; her ex had a classic car and another boy toy which he bought during the marriage and sold before the decree absolute and kept the proceeds of sale. I understand this to have netted him £25k which he has kept to himself and spent even though they are marital assets.

Since he left he has not paid the mortgage, he won't consent for my sister to move to interest only is she is crippling herself each month to keep the mortgage up to date as she doesn't want to ruin her credit rating, but in doing so she is also maintaining his credit rating.

At court she felt deflated as there was a joint instructed valuation of the house, but because her ex didn't agree with valuation, the judge has ordered a further valuation to be undertaken at even more expense. So she had built herself up for expecting that things would be resolved last week, only for the judge to make this instruction, so now she feels that she is going to be on the receiving end of decisions that leave her with nothing.

I don't know how to keep her positive or to encourage the spirit that she has had for the last 18+ months that this has been going on, it's not something I have experienced. Our Mum was a divorcee before she married our Dad, but she died 4 years ago, so I am trying my best but feel that I am failing my sister as I can't help

Sorry for the rambling post, I don't really know what I am asking! I guess I am just looking for the benefit of others advice on the situation.

Many thanks

blade26

marmitepotato

Oh, your poor sister, and poor you. You just need to be there for her through thick and thin, even if you have nothing constructive or positive to say. For her, just having someone on her side (you) is a massive asset. Go with her to solicitors meetings if you can, well, just be there. Sorry I can't answer with more wisdom, but this is what I did for my sister. She wasn't going thro a divorce but something much more harrowing.

Good luck OP. Xxxx

meritaten

yes. Just be there. this sounds horrendous for your sis! moral support is important hun.

Person_one

If she's 'crippling herself' to pay the mortgage, then are you able to help out financially? If she wouldn't want to just take money from you, or you don't have it to give, is there anything practical you can do to save her some money or help to make her life a bit easier?

You're her sister, I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job of supporting her. You don't need to be an expert on divorce, just a loving, caring shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

Blue264

Blade26 wrote: »

Since he left he has not paid the mortgage, he won't consent for my sister to move to interest only is she is crippling herself each month to keep the mortgage up to date as she doesn't want to ruin her credit rating, but in doing so she is also maintaining his credit rating.

At court she felt deflated as there was a joint instructed valuation of the house, but because her ex didn't agree with valuation, the judge has ordered a further valuation to be undertaken at even more expense. So she had built herself up for expecting that things would be resolved last week, only for the judge to make this instruction, so now she feels that she is going to be on the receiving end of decisions that leave her with nothing.

Unfortunately, this is pretty standard stuff. I went through exactly the same scenario 6 years ago, and my solicitor made sure I was aware this was normal in such cases.

When you divorce, your credit rating takes a massive hit until the financial settlement has been concluded, because your personal finances are in a state of flux. So forget worrying about your sister's credit rating. It is most likely the lowest it will ever be in her life right now through no fault of her own, but she will rebuild it.

The financial settlement is nothing to do with fault and blame during the divorce. The judges role is to make sure both parties walk away from this as free from debt as possible, able to support themselves, and preferably, with a roof over their heads.

In my case, my ex tried to claim my pension but this was denied by the judge. My mum had died a few months previously, and my ex tried to demand a share of any inheritance. This was also denied by the judge. He'd also maxed out three credit cards and had debt collectors chasing him. The deal prefered by the judge was that I keep the marital home and take out a new mortgage which would also allow my ex's debts to be paid in full and award his a small lump sum. The calculation was, the collateral we had in the house minus the repayments I had made on my own, without any contribution from my ex.

My solicitor refered me to an independent financial advisor and the new mortgage deal increased my monthly repayments slightly, but I was able to manage this. The first three years were a little tight, but then my mortgage rate dropped, and I ended up paying less a month than before the divorce.

When all comes to all, this stage is about disolving a financial agreement as amicably as possible and getting the other person out of your life once and for all. After the next few weeks, calm will be restored

fluffnutter

I think that concentrating on getting this all resolved as quickly as possible so she can be shot of him for good is probably the only thing she can do right now. Thank God they don't have kids frankly. That's one positive thing.

BTW, not sure if she actually needs a solicitor, particularly if she's struggling to afford one. Even if her ex refuses to talk to her, she can deal with his solicitor. And aren't they going to mediation? I thought it was mandatory now.

Blade26

Hi

I have been doing some research to aid my sister and in particular in relation to the mortgage payments she has made; has anyone experience of (1) equitable accounting and (2) occupational rent in divorce cases?

My sister would be reluctant to drop her solicitor this late in the day, as she does feel that the end is near - just a damn expensive way of getting there. Her ex we think has legal aid due to working part time out of choice, so she wouldn't do without one. If it comes to it I am fully prepared to assist her with the legal fees.

Blade26

Blue264

fluffnutter wrote: »

BTW, not sure if she actually needs a solicitor, particularly if she's struggling to afford one. Even if her ex refuses to talk to her, she can deal with his solicitor. And aren't they going to mediation? I thought it was mandatory now.

You don't need a solicitor for the divorce (I didn't have one), but it would be a huge and costly mistake to not have one for the financial settlement.

This couple are beyond the stage where mediation would have been a viable option, and it will never be mandatory. My ex had a history of violence and threatening behaviour, so the court had to make sure I had a private room I could use on arrival, until my solicitor was present. So, I think this shows one reason why mediation will never be mandatory.

fluffnutter

Blue264 wrote: »

You don't need a solicitor for the divorce (I didn't have one), but it would be a huge and costly mistake to not have one for the financial settlement.

This couple are beyond the stage where mediation would have been a viable option, and it will never be mandatory. My ex had a history of violence and threatening behaviour, so the court had to make sure I had a private room I could use on arrival, until my solicitor was present. So, I think this shows one reason why mediation will never be mandatory.

Not having a solicitor is perfectly acceptable. She'll need to do her research and know what's she entitled to and it will take balls and commitment but to suggest that it's a 'huge and costly mistake' to not have one is nonsense. Everyone is party to the same information a solicitor has. Plus the reason given for the need for solicitors is because of his unwillingness to communicate ('all communication has been via solicitors as he just will not engage with my sister - so it's also very costly'). My point is that he can instruct a solicitor if he doesn't want to talk to her. She then deals with his solicitor. She doesn't need one simply to communicate.

Mediation is mandatory for all couples who seek a court order as part of their divorce, unless there is evidence of domestic abuse. The OP's sister was divorced last year though and the rules are fairly new.

Ettenna

Just been through this. Have a look at wikivorce. They are a mine of information and also have a telephone support line.

swampduck

Blade26 wrote: »

Hi

I have been doing some research to aid my sister and in particular in relation to the mortgage payments she has made; has anyone experience of (1) equitable accounting and (2) occupational rent in divorce cases?

My sister would be reluctant to drop her solicitor this late in the day, as she does feel that the end is near - just a damn expensive way of getting there. Her ex we think has legal aid due to working part time out of choice, so she wouldn't do without one. If it comes to it I am fully prepared to assist her with the legal fees.

Blade26

If this is the case does the legal aid body know that he has the proceeds of the boys toys sat in an account somewhere? Even if has spent the proceeds he could be obtaining legal aid under false pretences ie he could have spent the money on shares or a new car. Your sister could at least ask for an examination of his finances given that the items sold were bought during the marriage.

Swampy