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Husband offered a job to work away!

My brother in law has recently set up his own building firm and they seem to be doing well and have been awarded a few contracts, I heard him talking to my husband over the weekend and said he has been awarded a large contract down south (we are in Scotland) renovating nursing homes.

I never thought anything of it but husband called earlier to say BIL has offered him a job on these contracts as he is a joiner/carpenter too, now DH already has a job and has worked for the same company for 10 years, but at the moment work has been slack again and he has had 2 shifts off due to no work over the past fortnight.

Anyway this new job would entail leaving at 4am on a Monday and staying away for 11 nights, returning home the following Thursday and getting a long weekend off to return again on the Monday morning, I am quite apprehensive as we have 2 small boys, there are a lot of questions to be asked like, how long will the work last for, is there another job at the end of it, he is offering a good wage (double what he makes a week at the moment) and that is the only thing that is making us even think about it.

I know only us can make the decision on what is right for us, but any mums out there who's DH work away and they have the children on their own?

Thanks in advance for any advice folks!
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Comments

  • jackieb
    jackieb Posts: 27,605 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 21 January 2014 pm31 2:27PM
    My husband has worked away for all 27 years of our marriage. I used to feel like a single parent sometime, but needs must. Just make the most of your time together when he's at home. I don't know how we'd manage if he was home all the time. You get used to your routines.

    Have you any family, parents, in-laws, etc, who live nearby? They're great to have around.

    Is his present job safe? Is he in danger of being laid off?
  • There has been no mention of being laid off, but his boss has said there isnt much work there at the moment.

    I do have an excellent support network with my MIL staying ten houses away, my own parents are in the same village and a great help too.
  • Kayalana99
    Kayalana99 Posts: 3,626 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    masonsmum wrote: »
    There has been no mention of being laid off, but his boss has said there isnt much work there at the moment.

    I do have an excellent support network with my MIL staying ten houses away, my own parents are in the same village and a great help too.

    Theirs more to life then money, if this was me unless we was struggling to put shoes on their feet and food on the table I'd decline.

    I've got two baby boys as well, if OH worked away I'd manage but I just would rather have him at home then have more money coming in.
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
  • Kayalana99 wrote: »
    Theirs more to life then money, if this was me unless we was struggling to put shoes on their feet and food on the table I'd decline.

    I've got two baby boys as well, if OH worked away I'd manage but I just would rather have him at home then have more money coming in.

    My sentiments exactly, we are both working and live comfortably - we only got married 3 months ago and although we are still "getting back on our feet" after the big expense we will get there. But I think husband thinks it will be the answer to all our problems and somehow give us a better quality of life, if I had extra money to do extra things I want to do it with my husband there so defeats the purpose, and when the kids are small you dont get that time back and I feel every moment has to be treasured!
  • DCFC79
    DCFC79 Posts: 40,614 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    What does your husband want to do ?
  • if its ur BIL's job is he likely to be able to end up being his number 2, ie quoting jobs in the long term etc?

    It might be crap in the short term but long term it maybe well worth it.
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
  • GwylimT
    GwylimT Posts: 6,530 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    My wife has always worked away from 5-3 days a week, its never been a problem or an issue.
  • mothernerd
    mothernerd Posts: 4,858 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Debt-free and Proud!
    You need to think about how your marriage works (now and under your possible changed circumstances) and also about your husband's personality.
    My husband was made redundant when our second child was 4 months old (oldest was 2and a half years). He was out of work for about a year (part of that time I was working and he looked after the boys - although he only ever took them to the park, he never did any housework or even decided what we were going to have for tea - sorry off topic, I am trying to be calm and objective).
    He was in computing and there were no jobs round here (NW England) but loads of contracting down South. He could have got a job locally- he was a keen amateur photographer and there was a job (the ones who set up in a local shopping centre for a week taking children's photos and then move on. It was less money than he had been used to but he could have stayed with us. He may have found it a bit boring but it may have led to other things (he really aggravated me at our middle son's graduation by going on about how much everything cost -without ever once putting his hand in his pocket, not even for his girlfriend's ticket - and especially how much the photographers were.
    However he wouldn't entertain this job and he went contracting I think the first crack in our marriage was that he didn't seem to think I had any say in the matter -it was his decision alone to take.
    He was always bad with money. He had a quite well paid job when we met, above average locally but his diaries were full from mid-month of "No money-can't go out". One of the conditions of us getting together -we were friends and I really didn't want to take it any further. (I had started to buy my own house with the intention of living alone) - was that I had to be in charge of the money - I couldn't live like that. He moaned a lot but when we were short of money the only difference he noticed was that he got to eat a lot of lentil soup and he loved my lentil soup). He never even gave up smoking or drinking even when he was out of work.
    He did quite well at contracting, there were lots of jobs - apart from 8 weeks in our local city, he never worked nearer than 300miles away from home. A big chunk of our income went on his accommodation and another big chunk on his train fares. It was two to three years before what we actually ended up with was back to the same level as his ordinary job. The first problem at home was that the eldest (who had been completely dry) started bed-wetting at night - he thought "Daddy doesn't love us any more".
    One advantage now is that you both probably have mobile phones. We had a home phone, but usually I could only contact him at work. When we had problems he wouldn't discuss them. He wouldn't talk when he was at home. I thought I was pregnant, I went to the doctors. The night I was due to go back to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy I started to bleed. I couldn't phone him, my mother wasn't on the phone. I couldn't get two small boys out of bed and walk them down to my mother's. I lay alone in bed and wept for the lost baby.
    You also have better access to childcare and close relatives nearby. Then most of the jobs for women with young children were evenings or weekends when their partners were available to 'babysit'. My husband's job choice severely restricted my options at the critical point where I might have got back into the job market after child number two (this has probably had repercussions to this day).
    I got pregnant again (I don't know how, we couldn't afford to get deliberately pregnant - I even had an early scan to see if the one I had lost was a twin and I had kept one of them.
    One day about 4 months into my pregnancy, I opened a credit card statement and nearly fell over. Okay so he's not buying any food, he's having takeaway every night - didn't add up. Okay he's going out and drinking 10 pints every night - didn't add up. 20 pints a night - didn't add up. So I had to phone him up, at work, and ask him. He was putting it all in slot machines. Now I can understand gambling a little bit. I can understand watching horses race and getting caught up in it but to stand there night after night putting money into a machine that is designed to take it from you.
    He kept insisting that he had to try and control it, so he carried on putting a £1000 a month in machines for a further year before finding a wonderful group (thank you Reading Gamblers Anonymous) who insisted he cut up or at least hand over the cards - he was a gambler and he couldn't control it. Which just left the debt.
    We had had to set up a limited company (so that we had liability for any tax and National Insurance, not the agency he was employed through. ) That's another thing you need to check - any pension rights and contributions in his current and proposed jobs. I know there are lots of special rules in the building trade but I don't know a lot about them (I used to give welfare rights advice many moons ago.
    I did the business paperwork, we each had a small wage which gave us N.I. stamps and anything over we paid ourselves as a bonus (as shareholders in the company). So every three months or so I would work out what the company could afford, get two or three thousand out of the bank, get on a bus to our bank and drop it into the black hole that was our current account. I was keeping a house and three children on my child benefit.
    He did manage to make it back for the night when I went into labour five weeks early. We all crossed our fingers (I had fought for a home delivery and the midwife sat with us all night) and hoped it would stop again, which it did. He was supposed to finish a contract and be off when the baby was born but he sat around sulking and when an emergency job came up, we said he could go. He promised it was only two days and he would definitely be back for son number 2's third birthday -he missed it.
    He came back the day after but was due to go back on the Tuesday morning, so as we went to bed on the Monday night (due date fast approaching) I thought "I'd better have this baby or he'll be gone again"
    So I lay awake all night having labour pains and told him to phone the midwife at 8am. Son number 3 arrived an hour later. He did take the week off that we had agreed when he took the job.
    But one week later when the washing machine broke down and flooded the kitchen (I was dozing, heard it stop and thought it had finished, so I opened the door) and the electric went off (which meant the central heating wouldn't come on ) and neither the baby nor myself were cleared for leaving the house, he just shrugged and said "I.ve got a train to catch, I've got a contract to do."
    My mother managed to get the washer man to come out (she had to to work). The washer man (having found that it wasn't the machine at fault) phoned the Electricity board and insisted it was an emergency which wouldn't wait till morning and they must get someone out at once, so when my mother came back,it was all fixed. She said she would have burst into tears, but I always think whether it is going to help and if it isn't (sometimes therapeutic) I just move onto the next thing.
    When son 2 had to go in for a scheduled op, my partner stayed until lunch, but then I had to be there because he had a contract. My mother had to bring the other two to the hospital, so that I could feed the baby .
    Contract from hell Number 1 The first contract after the baby's birth, the shift pattern changed 11 times in three months. The wallchart had so many crossings out there were holes in it- he ended up coming home once every 3 weeks (because he just wanted to sleep in the gaps between shifts and it was too tiring to come home). And when he came home he didn't want to go anywhere (day out with the boys). Whereas I had been stuck in the house for three weeks with a baby , a toddler and a five year old.
    We couldn't go on holiday in the middle of a contract and when a contract finished we didn't know how long it would be before the next one started so we couldn't spend any money.
    When he started to deal with his problem and cut his cards up, I had to run round buying his cigarettes, his train tickets, all the household shopping when he was home because he didn't have any cards.
    When son 2 fell out of a tree and had to have emergency surgery at midnight, I had to phone and ask someone to put a post-it on his computer because he wasn't on shift.
    Contract from hell number 2 - the third after the baby was born (the second wasn't a picnic). Started at the beginning of December and we didn't get paid. We had just paid my college fees (Sorry started back at college, had morning sickness for first few weeks, luckily had number three in the Easter break, had to walk round the college in break times to stop falling asleep, ran back from finance exam to feed baby, was persuaded to go onto higher level course 1 day a week + 3 half days 'school hours' doing typing and computing, run along canal bank at lunch to mum's to feed baby, get taxi back from college at tea time, feed baby, eat sandwich in Taxi -only 1/2 an hour for tea) and the previous year 's taxes, leaving £36 in the business account. So we were paying for accommodation, train fares etc out of our personal account and the overdraft went up and up and Christmas came (good job I plan well ahead) New Year's Eve - I remember making pizzas and other party food from a 75p bag of broken tomatoes with baby crying inconsolably, husband coming home. Some disaster on the trains, he made it at 3am New Years Day, British Rail had to pay for everyone, some were going to Glasgow. He had to go back as soon as we had dinner. We got paid in January - someone from the agency had forgotten to send a vital bit of paper to their other office, but we were so close to going bust .
    The end came when the youngest was 3 years old (I have gone on way too long).
    You can always find something to smile about. the first draft of the divorce papers said it was because of his gamboling and I loved the image of my 6 foot 4, 22stone husband prancing about in a field with the other lambs. When times get tough, I just keep telling myself, "You've got through worse."
    Now my husband is not your husband. I hope none of this ever happens to you. But children have birthdays and accidents and school plays and concerts and even if work stops your husband getting to them all there is so much more he could miss.
    Wishing you both all the luck in the world
    My mission in life is not only to survive,but to thrive and to do so with some Passion, some Compassion, some Humour and some Style.
    NST SEP No 1 No Debt No mortgage
  • Any
    Any Posts: 7,957 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Mothernerd that is quite a post. And quite a life. Well done you. Sometimes I think the not at home partner has just no idea that ,being at home with kids' isn't just a bed of roses.
    HOWEVER, you OH was a gambler and a spendtrift (spelling??). OP's husband is not any of that, at least no signs of it.
    Also as you say technology moved on.
    As other poster had said-I would be asking ,is there another job?' ,how long is the contract' etc
    If it is a year or so, current job is at risk and the one year will get you back on track after big expenditure-I would look at it. I would sit down and discuss it. I would lay down rules. I would seek assurance that FAMILY is always going to come first and foremost.
    However if you OH has tendencies or you can see there being a chance of him becoming anything like Motherd's OH, you could see the family will suffer or anything like that... then I would lay it all down in front of him as reasons of why not to go.
    I can see where he is coming from-we all dream that one day we won't have a mortgage or something and what ever we will be able to do when we don't have that payment hanging over us, go somewhere, have holidays, good schools for kids etc.... I think that what he is seeing from this job offer... one year and all will be better.
    But I can see where you are coming from-can he do it? Can you do it? Is it just a year? What then??
    All these things need to be discussed and really thought through. Then together you can make decision.
  • Thanks for the replies, fortunatley I cant complain about my DH in any way, he is a hard worker provides for his family, is an excellent dad, never goes to the pub unless its something we are doing as a couple and he doesnt gamble either.

    The money side of things is making me think it through but I feel it is only a short term post, the way I see it he will be walking away from ten year employment to make 6 months big money and then he will have nothing at the end of it! Also BIL already has a partner in the company so the option of becoming a partner is quite unlikely too!

    After speaking to DH last night it ended a full scale row as he seemed to be focusing on the pros, the money, the company he works for at the moment are rogues etc, also they have approached another boy who works with DH at the moment and he is ready to pack his bags and go already but he is a young single man still living with parents and in completley different circumstances.
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