Rehearsal Dinner ?!?!?!?!

Tashatutuw · 20 January 2014 at 12:33PM

H2B and I are having a traditional Church Wedding (even though we are not relgious in any way, his Mother passed away nearly 4 years ago and he thinks she would like him to marry in a Church - hard to argue with the dead and I don't want to upset him by refusing) anyway, I don't mind too much as our Parish Church is beautiful!

My understanding is that when you have a Church wedding, before the big day you have a rehearsal along with all (or as many as possible) or your participants, so that on the day everyone knows where they need to be and what they need to do. H2B thinks this is unnecessary. I know our Vicar will want us to do this as she has already mentioned it to me.

Also, my understanding is that it is tradition to do a 'rehearsal dinner' after the Church rehearsal to thank all of the participants and generally, have a nice meal together. This is also a problem with H2B. I told him that I would like to do this and save a few hundred quid so that we can take everyone somewhere nice, as I don't want to do a pub 2 for a tenner with them for this kind of occasion. He thinks I am being stupid and its unnecessary. Now I am not wanting to take people to some uber posh place (we live near Winteringham Fields) but I would like to do a proper resturant and don't think it is unreasonable to budget £25 per head for this meal..

We argued about it last night, slammed our way to bed in silence, woke up this morning and I still felt so mardy I left for work without speaking to him. Could you guys help us and if I am being silly - be brutally honest, I will admit it later I promise! :rotfl:

p.s. sorry if this doesn't make sense !!

Stephb1986_2 · 20 January 2014 at 12:39PM

Sounds like you compromised by having a church wedding because that is what he wants. But he isn't compromising over what you want, Men!

krustylouise · 20 January 2014 at 12:46PM

To me, I would do the rehearsal but I wouldn't spend even more money on a rehearsal dinner. But if its important to you, and marriage is all about compromise, you compromised on Church wedding, I really feel he should give a little back!

notanewuser · 20 January 2014 at 12:49PM

No, it's not traditional to have a rehearsal dinner in the UK - that's another american (waste of money) tradition.

I know the area you're in. If you want to get everybody together after the rehearsal take them to a pub and buy them a drink. They don't need a meal from you.

(Here we "thank the participants" in the speeches and presumably you're already buying them a meal on the wedding day.)

Tashatutuw · 20 January 2014 at 12:57PM

Thanks to all that have replied - I agree it is about compromise which is probably why I am taking the hump so much.

Maybe thats the best idea notanewuser - take everyone out for a drink afterwards, if they chose to dine then thats great but we are only paying out on a round (or two) of drinks. I will propose this to H2B tonight and see if it appeases him.

Yes we will be thanking the participants in the speeches and plan to get all quite reasonable thank you gifts as well.

All help very much appreciated!!

gadgeteer_2 · 20 January 2014 at 12:59PM

Yes, I also thought a rehearsal dinner was an American thing. Also speak with your photographer. If they've never covered the church it could be useful for them to also come along. I know I usually try to make the rehearsals wherever possible.

Gives me time to reassure the vicar I'm not going to be a pain in the backside and to learn the layout etc. I don't like surprises.

LEJC · 20 January 2014 at 1:08PM

I know every parish and vicar is different and myexperience isnt probably the norm and of course its up to you what you do after the rehersal...but heres what happened at ours...

We were told to bring both sets of parents if applicable,best man,bridesmaids and ushers to the church at the designated time...we managed it even though it meant a 2 hour round trip for one of the ushers...

we stood outside the church and waited,and waited.....then after about 20 mins saw the vicar go by in his car...thinking he was finding a space to park we all waited a little longer....
H2B goes to the vicarage after about another 15 mins or so to find vicar and his family tucking into a takeaway....yep he had forgotton the rehersal we had booked..
Hurried along he arrived quickly took us through the formalities and it was over in 10 mins...and back he went to his takeaway!!!
we actually then felt really bad about dragging everyone out as to be honest there was hardly that much to go through and other than just confirming the entry of everyone and in what order it was probably quite self explanatory.
in the end we just went to the loal pub for a quick drink afterwards ....
I dont think there is any need to turn it into something big unless thats what you actually want and certainly not worth getting angry or upset about
although i would suggest contacting your vicar beforehand to check how long he anticipates the rehersal to take and tell you who exactly is needed...it might be that actually you just need the very immediate people involved to be there

Are you thanking those involved in your day with a gift or are you seeing this meal afterwards as the thank you?
Dont forget though that you are also thanking them and providing them with a meal at your reception so it may not be necessary to replicate it all again just a few days before the wedding too.
Perhaps if you still want to do something with those special to the wedding ceremony you could look at having a get together a few weeks after the wedding and that way it might seem a little more palatable to your OH...use it as a excuse to relive the day rather than another thing before the wedding happens...in my experience after the preparations are all dome and the day over there is the possiblility of the blues setting in,so having something to look foprward to as a married couple with your friends and family might not be a bad idea!

tripled · 20 January 2014 at 1:20PM

Tashatutuw wrote: »

We argued about it last night, slammed our way to bed in silence, woke up this morning and I still felt so mardy I left for work without speaking to him.

Maybe "slamming your way to bed in silence" isn't the best way to persuade him? It sounds to me like you've got his back up and he'll eventually either give in and resent it, or refuse to budge, neither of which are a favourable outcome. Other tactics are required.

krustylouise · 20 January 2014 at 2:00PM

tripled wrote: »

Maybe "slamming your way to bed in silence" isn't the best way to persuade him? It sounds to me like you've got his back up and he'll eventually either give in and resent it, or refuse to budge, neither of which are a favourable outcome. Other tactics are required.

I don't think OP was after relationship/argument tactic advice, as all people are different and obviously her temperament, regardless of our opinions, is what he OH chooses in his partner.