What next?

Filey

Dear Granddaughter is a lovely girl. She has (had) an unfortunate start in life. Abusive father/petty criminal/jailbird. Her mother had the sense to part company with him when DGD was 2ish.Now 15 and a half. Brought up by her mother with general support/financial help etc from maternal grandparents. Going to college in September.

Big fly in ointment as mother has a new man in her life. I, grandmother, am very pleased that her mother has a very nice man in her life. Obviously granddaughter will in future have her own life to lead and will eventually leave home etc etc. I would be delighted to think her mother will have supportive partner and not be alone for the rest of her life. He is leaning over backwards not to come between DGD and her mother.

Granddaughter should be pleased too but at present is being quite unpleasant to her mother. Obviously jealousy. I live nearby and DGD is staying with me for the time being while things cool down. This situation could have come at a better time as DGD will be doing her GCSEs soon.

I am not particularly asking for advice but would like to hear what other members have to suggest as I know there is a big pool of collective wisdom and experience out there.

Rottensocks

Maybe have a word with granddaughter. Her feelings are her feelings and she's entitled to them, but (as she's now so grown up *cough cough*) she's not entitled to be nasty to others and try to spoil their happiness

McKneff

I am with Rottensocks, and also have a word with your daughter to spend plenty of quality time with your GD, she is obviously feeling pushed out/neglected, probably not but that;s what teenagers do if there is an interloper in the equastion.

ostrichnomore_2

I don't agree with a softly softly approach here. OK she is only 15 but she's acting like a brat - and she is starting something that could escalate into something very nasty. I don't agree that it's normal for teenagers to feel this way when a parent has a new relationship.

You could speak to her but in a less conciliatory way. What does she actually have against this man/relationship? Making her spell it out might be enough to show her if she is being ridiculous - or maybe she does have a legitimate concern after all...

But if it's just a teenage strop/jealousy, I don't think anything is gained by pandering to it. She needs to be told that her actions can only lead to two possible outcomes

1) Her mother finishes the relationship because of the daughter, and always resents the daughter. Ask why her mother is not allowed a new relationship and happiness? Ask if she is planning on spending the rest of her life with her mother, being her companion and best friend without ever having a relationship, moving out, getting married etc. If she isn't willing to sacrifice her future life for her mother, how can she expect her mother to sacrifice her future life for her?

2) Her mother does not finish the relationship and things may always be strained/difficult between them. There may even be a total estrangement between mother and daughter. Is it really worth all that pain for both of them (stress how much mother loves daughter) over just this?

Then I'd be doing a LOT of pointing out that she is acting up like a toddler, not acting like a young woman, and to sort her attitude out! And if she doesn't speak to me for a month, so what. Teenagers can be terrible bullies to get their own way, I'm sure they regress to not actually seeing other people as real people, and you have to stand up to them sometimes and challenge this attitude, and point out the consequences of their behaviour. She doesn't have to like it, but she does have to behave civilly and in a way that doesn't create drama and trouble over this. She has to accept her mother has the right to a life beyond the daughter.

belfastgirl23

I think its great that you are there for your grandaughter. My grandmother was there for me in similar circumstances and i still appreciate it now 30 years later.

I don't think it's up to you to fix this. You are in the middle here. And this puts you in a difficult but good position. Your job is to listen and gently mediate. See if you can find gentle ways to remind your DGD that her mother loves her. That she is going off to college and someone else caring for her mother leaves her not worrying about mum being lonely. If her mum was lonely before remind her of that. Low level though. She will grow out of this and you can help with the process.

Good luck!

meritaten

Had she harboured hopes that her dad would 'reform' and get back together with her mum? she may see her mums new guy as a major stumbling block to this scenario? She is too young to actually remember her father so she may have this lovely vision in her head of him knocking the door, wealthy goodlooking and a total sweety, and mum falls in love all over again and they can be a family once more. Unlikely I know - but, she is fifteen and maybe a romantic?

duchy

Sounds like Mum hasn't had a serious relationship before and when you're fifteen and your parents are together you can tell yourself your parents must have given up on sex years ago...not so easy with a new partner -15 year old hormones and maybe a bit of possessiveness over Mum too. Time and Mum making sure they do stuff together (spa days whatever but treat things she won't want to say no to) and instead of looking ahead to when daughter leaves ....work at the three of them becoming a family now-she after all has at least three years til she goes off to uni and many kids still come home after graduating. Maybe she feels everyone is looking head to when she leaves and feels a bit pushed out?

(Sorry Meri I'm a bit more pragmatic than you are )

Filey

Thanks for your input guys. I really appreciate it.

DGD stayed with me for a couple of nights then went home. However she soon came back here after further rows with her mother. To be honest I think her mother is quite relieved. DGD pops back home from time to time to collect things (only 10 mins walk away) and her mother tells me she is being very pleasant, which is a relief.

Ostrichnomore. I have pointed all these things out to DGD, and how she should be pleased because it means she, DGD, will not feel constrained or guilty if she decides to move away or even work abroad. Hopefully her mother will have a loving partner to grow old with etc etc as Belfastgirl says.

Meritaten. No chance of that. Her father managed to track her down on facebook a couple of years ago and she was horrified. He applied to the court for disclosure of whereabouts and access but after the cafcass person interviewed DGD, her mother, and him and put in her recommendations he withdrew his application. His criminal record and the fact that he was appearing in Crown Court at the very time the cafcass person was involved didn't help his case.

DGD has told me she was depressed even before New Man came into her mother's life. She mentioned counselling. However she seems very cheerful at present while she is here. I suggested we wait a couple of weeks and see how things go and if she still want to go I will make an appointment for her. She told me this morning when leaving to catch the bus how much she likes living here. I expect it may be because everything is more relaxed. So we will see.

When there is anything else to report I will update you. Meanwhile many thanks for your help.

Lara44

Just a caution that people can seem cheerful and still be feeling incredible emotional turmoil and depression. Counselling might be a real help especially if she was able to have some sessions with her Mum.

Cyclamen

Schools often have visiting counsellors, usually with a post box somewhere discreet so kids can pop a note in.

Might be worth asking mum to see if her school has this arrangement and can she be added to the list for a chat with the counsellor although make sure daughter is in agreement with this.

The visiting counsellors tend to be specialists in teeanage issues and the ones i met (ex teacher) where really good with the kids and discreet.