Advice please - very Sensistive

RAS

If he dies intestate, then the estate is covered by the intestacy rules and someone has to administer it (rather than execute the will). See here http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/cto/customerguide/page14-1.htm

When the time comes, ask the funeral directors to make out the bill to the "the estate of Mr Dad" and the bank will pay it directly.

All other costs of sorting the house out etc come from the estate.

Little_Vics

To be honest, my first reaction was how horrible it must be for someone elderly to live like that. I personally would want to try to improve their quality of life - if they don't see it as a health hazard, can you speak to their doctor or even social services or Age Concern to get some advice?

LEJC

Little_Vics wrote: »

To be honest, my first reaction was how horrible it must be for someone elderly to live like that. I personally would want to try to improve their quality of life - if they don't see it as a health hazard, can you speak to their doctor or even social services or Age Concern to get some advice?

That was my reaction too up to a point...but the problem usually in this type of situation is that the person who is affected by it sees it as completely normal.


You can indeed speak to any professional concerned with the elderly and their first response is usually along the lines of "having to respect the wishes of the person and if that is their lifestyle choice to live that way there is very little initially that can be done"....as I said earlier ive been in the situation of admitting that my mother for a time lived in such an environment...partly due to her covering things up,and not really allowing visitors.


It took me a long time to convince doctors and social services etc that this was a situation that had not been reached out of choice but the inability to do anything about it,together with the fact that actually my mother was too proud to admit that she was failing


No one wants to see a relation living in something that you feel is uninhabitable but its not always as simple as going in all guns blazing and demanding that things are cleaned up...you simply wouldnt do it to a friend or neighbour,so it becomes a very sensitive issue when you suddenly realise that its happening to your nearest and dearest.
Of course your natural instinct is to want to improve their quality of life...but what happens when they are adamant that the quality of life they have is fine and suits them well?
How would you feel if I walked into your house and started to arrange your things in a more orderly fashion...I dont mean you personally but these are questions that you have to reconcile. Sometimes especially with the elderly on the cusp of a mental illness there are very few things that can be done for them without their permission...its a sad fact but all too often it really does take a fall or an accident to start the ball rolling to get the help that they need and get them back on track to a safer path!

You could also probably say "how do the relations let it get like this in the first place...im a better daughter/son to my parents and would do something about it"...but believe me it does happen very gradually and over a period of many years where the person will cover up by excluding you from areas of the house or insisting on phoning you for a chat rather than "utting you to the bther of visiting me dear"...ive been there and I have the scars to prove it and yes there are times that I look back and wish I had been more forceful in the beginning so as not to let it get out of hand...but hindsight is a wonderful thing for all.

dementia especially is an illness that can and does go undectected for a very long time so the problem of a cluttered or untidy house may take many years in the making at which point it sort of becomes a lifestyle choice,hence the restrictions over how best to go forward.

madbadrob

If you do decide to clear the house yourself and assuming there are no local restrictions to stop you I would get a 5m Skip in and fill that. Far easier and in the long run cheaper than using vans and cars. Of course this all occurs after the elderly person passes away

R0b

Little_Vics

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to imply that the family weren't looking after the relatives, or hadn't been concerned for a while. I have relatives with dementia, so understand.

LEJC

Little_Vics wrote: »

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to imply that the family weren't looking after the relatives, or hadn't been concerned for a while. I have relatives with dementia, so understand.

.....and I wasnt suggesting that your response was any different from what most peoples response to this type of situation might be...I'm sorry too if it came across that way.


But its in my experience an all too common misconception that a doctor or social worker will be able to "help" in this type of case where its seen and considered by many professionals as a lifestyle choice.

maisie1234

Thank you everyone for your kind words. He is of sound mind. My sister has made enquiries to ss but they have said exactly what LEJC says. Also, they dont see what WE see. Not in a million years could I live like this but people do. We have offered to clear a couple of rooms but you literally cannot get through the doors with old sofas etc. We have offered to get someone to come and take the unwanted furniture away but he refuses. He says it probably bothers us more than it does him and anyway as he states 'it will be someone else's issue when I go'.

I would like to get myself prepared tbh as to what will need to be done practically.

LEJC

If the OP isnt interested in the contents of the house ...then instead of using seperate house clearance and cleaning companies if they contact social services they can be put incontact with the council approved busunesses that will do it all as part and parcel of the job...however be warned they literally scoop everything up and dispose of it.


Again I was offered the contact details for this but declined as I still felt I had an emotional attachment to some of the items buried under the clutter and facade of the other.
It really boils down to how much attachment the OP has to any of the contents how they go about disposing of it....its worthwhile asking other members of the family for their views or help when deciding as sometimes even a little thing that has no value or meaning to you may have a meaning or memory of the person to another relation or close friend.
Once something is disposed of it cant be retrieved,but if people are given the option to choose a memory trinket then you are taking into account the feelings of others involved before disposal of the remaining contents....however much that may be!

maisie1234

Its the official paperwork, insurance details, policies, things to close down that I am concerned about.

I am thinking now of just getting lots of friends together and getting them to sort through. There are literally 1000's of old newspapers, the bath is full of just old papers and junk and he cannot find anything but still he refuses to do anything about it.

I am not sure a skip would work. Its a road that is full of vehicles and honestly. The house is a 6 bed on three floors and you cannot get through the door because of all the stuff piled up. Its a complete death trap. There are items stacked up on the stairs (I know, I know - just waiting for an accident to happen).

LEJC

if your father is of sound mind then I suggest that you sit him down ans explain that quite frankly how he chooses to live is no concern of yours...however when his time comes sorting out his affairs and everything else will become your concern....and that actually if he does have any important documents he should let you know where they are.


Be direct with him but not patronising as to show him you think where he lives could do with a tidy up.


If he still refuses then you may have to assume that for the forseeable future there are no insurances or imprtant documents.