Grandmother hates ex, I love her

scrimper86

Hi, im looking for a bit of friendly guidance with this one.
Ill explain the situation as best I can.

I have a 4 year old daughter with my ex, we split up properly over 2 years ago, but with the odd kiss and fumble while we weve been apart. When I first met my ex, I had a drink problem, mix that with very frequent partaking in drugs, I wasnt particularly stable.
Anyway, we went on to have a child, she had a lot of trust issues, which at the time I couldnt understand, but I see it fro her point of view a lot more nowadays. We ended up in court as I felt I should have more access than what she was allowing.
My Gran paid the large bulk of solicitors fees (around £2000). My gran didnt know about my drinking or drugs, I couldnt tell her it would break her heart. She knows I used you party a bit too much but nothing else.
My gran is my mum, shes always been there for me. She hates my ex for not giving me proper access to my daughter at the time, and the money she has cost. My ex was no angel though, shes done and said some bad things, which my gran knows about which add to my gran hating her.
Me and my ex get on very well now, weve just taken our daughter to spain for christmas together and we are talking about getting back together.
Its just explaining to my gran that the woman she hates and that I have bad mouthed, shes heard calling me all sorts of names, we want to give it another go.

I can tell her that I still really care about my ex, we want to give it another try. I really want to try and build bridges between my gran and my ex, I feeel like im stuck in the middle

balletshoes

it''ll take time - so until you are actually back together and staying together, in your shoes I wouldn't say anything of the sort to your Gran.

Its human nature to go to our parents and tell them all the bad stuff going on in our relationships - unfortunately, as you've found out, this is rarely forgotten by them when you may decide to get back together.

My sister went through a similar thing with her husband, they split up for a few months, my sister told my mum everything. Sis eventually decided to give it another go with her husband, it took my mum much much longer to be able to be civil with him compared to my sister, because of all the bad stuff my sis had told her.

As parents you want to protect your kids, don't want them hurt, and in your case, your Gran sees how much hurt your ex gave you, and she doesn't want you to go through it all again.

Oh and next time you're fighting/separating/fallling out, don't tell your Gran the details.

scrimper86

Thanks for understanding, I wasnt sure how clear I was!
We both have feelings for each other, but as I say we are not back together yet.
Its just my ex is pretty insistant that I tell my gran that all of the arguments and rows were not just down to my ex, I had a part to play too. Theres no rush though

balletshoes

scrimper86 wrote: »

Thanks for understanding, I wasnt sure how clear I was!
We both have feelings for each other, but as I say we are not back together yet.
Its just my ex is pretty insistant that I tell my gran that all of the arguments and rows were not just down to my ex, I had a part to play too.
Theres no rush though

i honestly wouldn't bother - unless you can do it in a calm way that doesn't make it sound like your ex is insisting anything.

Hermia

scrimper86 wrote: »

Thanks for understanding, I wasnt sure how clear I was!
We both have feelings for each other, but as I say we are not back together yet.
Its just my ex is pretty insistant that I tell my gran that all of the arguments and rows were not just down to my ex, I had a part to play too. Theres no rush though

Could you just tell your gran that there were faults on both sides and that over time you have realised that some of your behaviour was unacceptable too. You don't need to go into gory details about the drink and drugs if that will upset her.

FBaby

I think if you want any chance of your grandmother ever seeing your partner in a different light, you will have to tell her the truth. Why would she otherwise? She will also see a selfish spiteful woman and never have the information to explain why she did some of the things she's done.

She deserves to be judged fairly if she is going to be so by your grandmother.

Macca83_2

I think for now, until you are sure about the direction in which your relationship with the ex is heading, I would be tempted to keep it quiet. Your Gran has strong feelings about the woman and has spent a considerable amount of money in helping you get access to your child.
That said if it does progress into more then I would be telling Gran that although your ex prevented access, you were probably not in the best of places yourself at the time and it's only through time and perspective that you have realised this. I too wouldn't be giving her all the gory details

Cottage_Economy

I would come clean to your grandmother otherwise it will be a thorn in the side of both of you if you do try again.

Be brave. Tell your grandmother you were embarrassed about the drink and drugs, feeling rejected and said the things you did because of that. That it escalated to nastiness between you because of it, but now older and wiser and wanting the best for your child you both can see things differently.

Otherwise it will rankle with your other half that you landed the blame for everything at her feet.

paddy's_mum

I've had experience of something very similar and I can tell you that when you are on the receiving end of something so bitterly unjust, it leaves scars.

In your ex's shoes, I would have been seething that you who, by your own admission, was being a %^&* of the first order had dared to paint me black when I was the one who was on the receiving end of your rotten behaviour. What mother wouldn't want to obstruct your contact/access when you were so demonstrably "unstable".

I can completely understand if your ex is now saying that before the reconciliation can progress, you have to come clean and absolve her from shouldering all the blame.

Would writing a note to your Gran/Mum be a way forward? in it, you could say what others have already suggested but by doing it in this manner, you give her time to digest and reflect on matters.

You could also perhaps undertake to repay her the money she spent on your legal fees.

The 'confession' conversation might be difficult to begin but don't you think that relationships built on half-truthing will always be weak? How much peace might there be in having everything out in the open so that healing can take place?

I respectfully suggest that finding out much later how much and for how long you lied, cheated and deceived her might "break her heart" far more than you coming clean and asking her forgiveness for the cover-up.

Good luck to you all.

Georgiegirl256

scrimper86 wrote: »

Thanks for understanding, I wasnt sure how clear I was!
We both have feelings for each other, but as I say we are not back together yet.
Its just my ex is pretty insistant that I tell my gran that all of the arguments and rows were not just down to my ex, I had a part to play too. Theres no rush though

I disagree, I think you DO need to tell your gran about the drink and the drugs, maybe not all the gory details, but the most of it, because of you don't, then she's probably never going to accept your ex.

She'll keep on blaming her, and probably never accept her, when it's you who has been no angel, and she's seeing you as faultless here. Unless you are honest with your gran, things probably won't change.

Also your gran paid out all that money for the court case, I don't think she'd have done that if shed known the truth. You're painting your ex in a bad light, is it any wonder your gran doesn't like her?

paulineb_2

You had the odd kiss and fumble when you were apart but couldn't communicate about more access to your child?

You aren't being honest with your gran. Unfair. She knows about your exes shortcomings but not yours? I wouldn't blame your ex for being upset.

Also, I appreciate that you may have repaid your gran or she might not want the money, but if she's upset about how much she had to pay out, giving her something back would be a nice gesture.

I have to say, if you feel stuck in the middle, you've created a lot of that, nothing wrong with leaning on family for support, but you've given a very one sided view of the difficulties your relationship was in.