Are you 'defined by spending'?

Vintagefool

I had to go out with mum today, as I'm recovering from a virus and wanted to get some fresh air/walk about for a bit. We ended up at the local big supermarket, which has clothes and homeware. Normally I would spend £100+ somewhere like this without blinking, but today I was trying not to spend anything at all. Please understand that my mum has no idea that I am in £15k debt, as I've always brushed off her questions about how I can afford things, and she thinks I'm sensible. Therefore, she didn't realise how difficult it was for me, and that I was trying not to spend anything without making her suspicious.

This time, she saw lots of things she wanted, and kept putting them in the trolley, and at one point, she said, "come on, you're supposed to be going mad in this place". I eventually put in a skirt which I really wanted for £15 and that was all. However, it occurred to me that my overspending is probably now embedded in people's expectations of how I behave. I think it's possible that I like controlling how people view me, and I would rather they focus on the fact that I am always shopping (which seems harmless) as opposed to other elements of my character such as unkindness, laziness, etc. This just gives me something else to think about as I change my behaviour, that people might find it uncomfortable to think about me in a different way, and that I might not like the other things they start noticing about me.

As I read this back, it is so clear how close spending is to drinking, and I think I'll have a look at some of the literature around alcoholism to see how recovering alcoholics deal with the fact that they are no longer a 'party person' in the same way, or their friends find it difficult to relate to them when they are sober.

LittleAoife

i agree, i feel a little of this too, i think spending directs attention away from the things we dont like about our selves, i was spending loads on the kids because i felt guilty about not being at home all the time (as working) and thought this made me look like a good parent.
in reality those that matter will love you for you and not what you do with your money. in years to come you can tell your mum about the fact that you got into debt and explain how you have fought your way out of it.
trust me- she will love u for it, for making her proud and dealing with the proble, we all make mistake, we are humans after all and slighlty drawn toward stupidity!- and yes im speaking for myself here.
hope this helps
LA x

retromother

I know that by not spending I get branded 'tight' by my son's friend's parents. Particularly when I won't buy him sweets or pop. It takes a lot of will power not to spend just to fit in.

**tinkerfoos**

this has summed up my SIL no end! we have often discussed how her spending is more of an addiction than habit/enjoyment. will be chatting about this with DH later! x

MrsGSR

retromother wrote: »

I know that by not spending I get branded 'tight' by my son's friend's parents. Particularly when I won't buy him sweets or pop. It takes a lot of will power not to spend just to fit in.

Yep, I can certainly relate to this. I've never been a huge spender anyway (or so i thought) I'm more conscious about those little spends that all add up, you know the i need some milk but oh look that's on offer too, I'll get that. However I digress, we don't spend lots on toys or "stuff" for the kids and even clothes spending is kept to a minimum, our two have a lot less toys than their friends but they seem happy. My mates now joke that I'm a penny pincher and always ask me where to get the best bargains from!

its_maths_not_magic

I think others like to define us by our past behaviour quite a bit. Which I understand completely because I think most people tend to act certain ways around certain people. And usually when we change, this is noticed. But soon enough this passes and people then tend to define us by our new behaviour.

I've noticed this with friends who have quit drinking. They were the heavy drinkers at the party. When they stopped people would ask why they weren't drinking. Eventually though they became the non-drinkers at the party. Spending is the same. I know stopping spending has lead to a few questions or raised eyebrows, but now its becoming my new identity. Ultimately I think the trick is to not care what people think about you. People may like or dislike my new spending habits, but that's their opinion. And if they don't like it, their problem.

Petlamb

As someone with mental health issues and debt problems, I know all too well that spending can be a crutch - it's one of the things I notice first when I'm going 'down', that I'm spending like there's no tomorrow.

Good luck in carving out a new identity x

dancingfairy

Can you reign in your spending on some pretext? Ie Christmas was a bit difficult so I'm a bit skint right now? or I'm saving up for a new house? or holiday (this would only work if you were actually going away and had managed to bag a bargain) or I'm putting money away for my retirement?
df

pleasedelete

One of the most money saving things i do is shop at Waitrose- you may laugh but there is no !!!! to buy. I buy good quality food and cook from scratch. There are no clothes, books, electricals etc and no temptation. Many core items are price matched. I am astounded on here how much people put on SOAs for groceries- they must see everything bought at a supermarket as groceries where I imagine they have a lot of non food extras in there. I go to Morrisons once a month for non perishables but again choose one that has a very small home department and no clothes.

The other option is to buy groceries on line. Dont put yourself in the position where you can buy rubbish.

AlexLK

I can certainly identify with this. I am a "collector", not just of one thing, you name it I collect it: watches, pens, antique furniture, trains, old model cars, real cars. I even went through a phase of collecting old razors and have been through phases of collecting rare parts for cars.

The last time I had my model car collection valued it came to a total of over £8,000, some of the other collections are worth far more and yet it seems I cannot help myself. When I see something I like, I buy it and it has been noted over the years by people I am close to. Thus, when I'm not showing them some new "toy" or other, they are surprised.

ch3101

A part of this though is how do you start spending a lot in the first place.

I think that these days it seems "cool" to be spending a lot, so people live at home, earning 30k, and spend it all on cars, clothes, buying presents for people, going out etc and they get into debt doing it as well.

Most of my friends are like this while I'm at uni, earn 600 a month, save 250 immediately, pay some bills then live off the other 250 that is left.

They all have 25k cars, go out all weekend, go on holiday all the time etc yet have no money what so ever and I think that once they see sense, that their income aren't going to rise considerably and that they need to move out at some point, they're going to find it really difficult to step down and not spend much.

So although people can be defined as spenders, I think it's more that people see it as being the done thing, you spend as much money as you can, regardless of whether it's yours or not.

OP, well done for facing your debt now. You might actually feel better by telling your mum about it just to clear the air.