return of ex

purple-smartie

Hi. I could really do with some advice off people who have been in the same position as myself.

Recently my daughter and her father have got back in contact with each other after 18 years. He was not allowed to have contact through a court order while she was growing up due to his violence towards me.

I just wondered how other parents have reacted when this has happened. At the moment I cant help but feel very scared and angry but have kept quiet and not said anything to my daughter.

Ive not seen him myself for 8 years but every occasion before that has contained some violence, even breaking into my home and attacking my then husband and driving his car onto the pavement at me.

The only good thing is he is not in this country at the moment but i cant help worry that he could still turn up at my house at any moment.

My biggest worry is towards my daugher. He is already trying to control her by making her feel guilty about things.

Im going out my mind with worry and I have no one else i can talk to that understands how worried i am so i wondered if anyone here has been through something similar

thanks.

pinkshoes

Maybe you could explain to your daughter why you're frightened of her dad, and tell her that she's entitled to get to know him if she wants to, but if she feels at all threatened or frightened by him or his behaviour, you're always there for her to talk to about it.

The best thing you could do is let your daughter know you'll always support her. There's a possibility that he might frighten her, and she'll end up upset and disappointed that her dad's still a thug, in which case she'll need you more than ever.

Sorry, no experience of this myself, but have a friend who went through something similar-ish (10 years ago) who decided after a couple of meetings that he didn't want to know his dad and he'd seen enough, and he didn't have a place for him in his life. He was just curious to see his biological father.

misswig

Hi

You must find this very worrying and i understand your concerns.

Firstly. Is your daughter aware of why she has not seen her father for that period of time and the subsequent acts of violence to you and your husband?

Secondly. Who instigated the contact?

Vxx

purple-smartie

Yes my daughter has been aware for quite a few years the reason why she was not allowed to see him.

My daughter put a post on the local forum asking if anyone had any info on him or any old photos from school because she was curious to see what he looked like. This was done without me knowing. A few months later he signed up to the forum too and this was how they got in contact with each other.

She has since met up with his parents which im fine about even though it was done behind my back, but he has even been telling her he will order his parents not to speak to her again she doesnt say things he likes.

So far Ive kept quiet and just listened to what she tells me. Im just finding it very hard to keep quiet when one minute shes telling me how great he is and the next shes saying he gets on her nerves.

lynzpower

the thing is that your daughter will have this inbuilt desire that he likes and loves her. This will drive a lot of her behaviour, she is stuill young and she is still hopeful and optimistic.

Be there for her, but also , do make sure she is safe and that her emotional boundaries are not crossed as far as possible. if he makes her feel bad, SHE needs to recognise that I think .
xx

NAR

purple-smartie wrote: »

She has since met up with his parents which im fine about even though it was done behind my back, but he has even been telling her he will order his parents not to speak to her again she doesnt say things he likes.
So far Ive kept quiet and just listened to what she tells me. Im just finding it very hard to keep quiet when one minute shes telling me how great he is and the next shes saying he gets on her nerves.

She is an adult now and will have to realise his faults herself. I presume it was your daughter that told you he threatened to stop her grandparents talking to her. I think if such a situation arises again that you sit and explain that he is being totally controlling, which is wrong as it is a form of bullying. Hopefully she will be able to understand that. It sounds like violence arises when he doesn't get his own way; your daughter should be told to watch out for any potential signs that he is going to turn nasty. Unfortunately by the sound of things he will be the cause of their relationship going sour, which will be very sad for your daughter - hugs from mum will be required.