Living together after breaking up?

WhoKnew_2

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years and have lived together for most of that.

The last 12 months, we have had lots of stresses to deal with (one of us lost our job, one of us has had an illness too meaning doing anything like an outing without a plan has been difficult too).

We were also living on horrible conditions in a horrible little apartment and moved into a house and much better living conditions around 3 months ago.

The problem is that I'm becoming increasingly unhappy. I feel almost detached from my partner. I resent him so incredibly much for not doing basic things.

My partner is someone who would like to live every day doing silly things and making stupid conversation. He claims he's bored and wants us to do more things... But never plans them. I helped is move house (I threw my savings into a deposit for a house and planned it all. He didn't have any involvement other than maybe packing a box).

He makes many false promises. All of which are nothing big and awful... But they are starting to make me feel like I can't trust him to do anything right.

I have little respect for him anymore. He's in a dead end job in a low pay... And can't be bothered to even apply for something better Moans about his body but does nothing about it even with encouragement.

He does tell me he loves me a lot and does tell me how beautiful I am etc, but it doesn't feel entirely genuine. It's starting to feel like I live with a friend, not a partner.

In all the time over Xmas only once did I wake up with him still there. Ive often said I love waking up to a hug in the morning and a little snuggle, as we don't get much time for this in the week. It's completely ignored as he would rather get up and go and play xbox downstairs.

Our sex life is also gone. I'm just not into it with him anymore. I feel so angry at him for all the stuff he pushes me into sorting out (all the finances, keep the house clean and tidy etc) that by the time were in bed I don't even want him to touch me I'm so annoyed.

I do still find him physically attractive... But not emotionally.

Now, if I had money bags I would be leaving tomorrow, but I'm not. We're not.

I have nowhere to go. I'm unable to live with parents or friends for a few reasons and I'm stuck renting a house with him. There seems no way out. We have no savings as whenever we do get a little put aside he starts spending it.

I would need to earn another £4-£6k a year before I could afford the house we live in together on my own, and then it would seem like such a waste of money for just me.

I have a dog (who has been around for the last 5 years... He isn't going anywhere!!) so a house or garden flat is needed.

In about 6 months theirs high chance of me being offered a job by a friend who would happily pay me the higher rate I need. I could move then.

But that's 6 months away... And I don't think I can go the next 6 months playing happy families.

So my other thought was...

Is it possible to break up and stay living together? We have two living areas and two bedrooms so could keep our distance to a degree... But how hard could this be?

Bella73

I would imagine it will be very hard but at the end of the day 6 months in the scheme of life isn't that long really, but would he be happy to continue living together if you split? It's all well and good you making this decision but he might not go along with it, plus you would need to think how you would feel should someone new come along for either of you.

krlyr

I'm sure it works for some, though I imagine it may depend on how amicable the split was.

Do you have any friends who'd be willing to move in? Or get in a lodger (if your dog is good with other dogs and you'd be allowed to let another dog in the house, it's a good niche market to advertise for a lodger, dog owners often find it harder to find a rental place) - maybe try https://www.spareroom.co.uk ?

WhoKnew_2

The property we live in is a rental and it was a stretch to get the landlord to let us have our dog here, he wouldn't let someone else stay with a dog.

Obviously we would need to put a timeline on when one of us is moving out and plan ahead where we can. We would have to agree to be discreet with other partners out of general respect for what we once had I guess. It would be amicable but incredibly emotional. The love is still there, but there's a big gap in all the other bits I need for a life-time partner. I don't feel he should have to change to be with me or vice versa.

I think we would have to say no other partners back to the house and not to rub each others nose in anything. No questioning either. It's initial break-up pain and heart ache that worries me. That awful week where you both remember all the reasons you are together rather than apart, making you want it to work when it just doesn't.

Neither of us have anywhere to go. It's incredibly hard. We would technically split and then be staying together... Very hard

WhoKnew_2

He's also in the same position as me. Neither of us have anywhere really to go.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Have you taken out a 6 month lease on your property together - if so you can neither of you leave for the next 3 months presumably? If so and it really is over between you why not dissolve both the tenancy and the partnership in 3 months time, and in the meantime start building a separate life for yourself - start a course or get an extra evening job so you are busy and moving on, then rent somewhere you can afford in 3 months time? Hard to start again but sometimes it's necessary.

ska_lover

This is the position that certain types of men drive women to. Some men treat the woman like she is his mother, she does everything around the house while he does little but sit on his butt and make promises.

Then they are in genuine wonderment that the woman has gone off sex, and doesn't fancy him anymore. They really do not understand it.

This is because the woman wanted a partner, NOT a child to look after. How can you fancy someone who is so helpless? How can a woman fancy a man who treats her like his mother..

If any men are reading this - Please do not take your partner for granted - as it does turn things very cold very quickly. Pull your weight around the house and do what is right. An awful lot of men just do not understand this stuff. Its basic.

Its a very sad situation and one I found myself in nearly 20 years ago. I wanted a man, not a boy. I walked out and never looked back. I moved into a house of my own and The EX moved back in with his mother - where he still lives! Shes probably still doing his washing for him LOL Pheweee lucky escape I had

marisco_2

ska_lover wrote: »

This is the position that certain types of men drive women to.

If any men are reading this - Please do not take your partner for granted - as it does turn things very cold very quickly. Pull your weight around the house and do what is right. An awful lot of men just do not understand this stuff. Its basic.

That's a bit of a generalisation. As many women as men are guilty of the above.

OP my advice is to have a very frank discussion with your partner and be honest with him about how you feel. At the moment you appear to be treading water, too afraid to address the issues in your relationship properly, and are getting overwhelmed by feelings of being trapped. You cant go on like this for much longer and it is unfair to your partner too.

If you do both decide to call it a day then work out how you will handle living arrangements until you can each find alternative accommodation. Being under the same roof after you split up with someone is not easy, but if there is a time frame on this it is far easier to handle. Lots of open communication and respect for each others feelings will go along way to making it bearable.

Peccary

I did this for 2 months after an amicable split and it was not fun but we got through it. I was planning to move in with a friend but she was seeing out a tenancy with her ex too!
I made it tolerable by spending a lot of weekends away visiting friends and i had a couple of local friends who always had their spare rooms ready if i couldn't face going home.
The hardest part was being unable to "move on", I mean emotionally rather than seeing other people. Sometimes it was fine, just watching TV together etc.