Relationship advice please

advice456

Help been with may partner for 10 years and thought what we had
was a good relationship, apart from the fact we both work shifts and don't see a lot of each other so kept pushing him for when his days were off so we could spend sometime together maybe the last 6 month. We talked and he said he had been feeling down. He put this due down to the fact he never knew his father and I searched for his family online and found out his father had died but found him his fathers siblings and cousins. This ended with him saying that I am the only one he could talk too and that he was going to go to his GP for advice/counselling. I thought things may get better but they got worse, he always seemed to be in a bad mood when he got up for work which ended up with a row with me crying as couldn't put up with his moods.

Then the last 3 months it became apparent he was deliberately avoiding me and started to think could he be having an affair or was up to something and didn't trust him so followed him to work to see if he was really going and he was their the first time and the second time, also noticed how once he was protective of his phone . The last 6 months I had really gone off sex too and put this down to my pill as periods had stopped,

Anyhow I got so upset and went out with friends drinking and basically texted 'am I single tonight then ?' and he put ' Do you want to be ?' I put 'of course not but Im hardly in a loving relationship am I ? and he kept saying we will talk about it.

Again he kept avoiding me and saying he wasn't ready to talk yet and I got more suspicious and followed him again, he wasn't at work so went to look for his car outside his best friends and it wasn't their but saw his best friends car drive past but didn't see the figure driving so hoped he hadn't seen me but turned out he had and told my partner who then saw me drive to the cinema and wait for him to come and then decided to do the talk with me .

He basically asked me how I felt about him and I told him I loved him and he then told me that he loved me but was not in love me and was scared to tell me as I was his best friend and didn't want to loose his best friend as know that ex's cant in he real world stay friends , that we were too comfortable like a pair of slippers and it wasn't right. He had discussed his feelings with his mother and his GP and hi mother and he agreed that I was ' the best thing that had happened to him!!! but it wast fair to stay with me if he wasn't happy ??? I asked if we could work on our relationship he said No!! I asked if their was someone else and to swear on his fathers grave he said no I asked if he was gay , he got angry and then I asked if we are separating he said don't know ?

Anyhow I left sharpish and in tears and went to a friends to discuss and decided I wanted to leave pronto and decided I had to leave before he did before I loose him for good. I told him I was moving out for a bit and he said please don't go yet and I said I had to and asked where and I said thats not your Business.

He looked very hurt. This was 20th dec and then Christmas Eve came and I texted hi to tell him not to spend Christas day on his own but he did.

I found abook on the internet about this which seemed to suggest lack of communication is the reason this happens to alot of couples so decided that as I did want to save my 11 year relationship and may be partly my fault went back and told him that I was glad je had told me the truth and did he want to work on the relationship. He said his mind was confused and he may be having a breakdown and he didn't want to until he had seen a councellor which he now has an appoitment for.

I must admit this is a shock as Im sure for at least the first 5 years he was madly in love with me and would regularly call me beautiful and make me promise I would never cheat on him cos if I did he would torture and kill the man that did.

He asked me to move back in as I went over christmas day as I thought he wouldnt be their as wanted to be on my own and he asked me to move back in as it was still my flat. We talked and I offered to make dinner and he did not have muc to say apart from being confused and wanted counseling first. I moved in but again he was just avoiding me and tried to iniate cmmunication see if I had done anything to kill the relationship but he wouldnt really say much. I got annoyed with lack of touch and separate rooms and asked for a cuddle and he said angrily that he wold have to move out if I kept acting like we are still in a relationship because we are not so again decided to just play it completely cool again in the hope he may miss me.

Sorry for the essay but looking for some insight from anyone that has had this too ???

ViolaLass

Sounds to me like he's done but can't face telling you.

AcidHouse

Sounds like he's going through some kind of a depression so I'll respond on that basis.

Being in a relationship while you're depressed is like having an additional job on top of just breathing and getting through your day without feeling ok; you have to be happy, you have to give your time, you have to look after the other person, you have to be interested in how their day was, you have to love them, and you can't do any of that, as you've just not got "it" inside you anymore. You really don't care and you don't even know why.

All those things in a relationship that come naturally, you don't even feel. Even though the reason you're depressed is nothing to do with the relationship, or your partner. Depression sucks the person into themselves so that only they and their problems exist & are important, and come first & foremost.

When someone is depressed, their relationship doesn't even come second, it comes last, then not at all; they sometimes get to the point where they are so boxed-out of the relationship because of the depression, that there's no point being in one. Someone who is depressed can say they simply don't feel anything for their partner at the moment because they genuinely can't.

If he wants your relationship to stay on hold while he's going through counselling etc, just make it a clean break-up and see if he is starting to change under counselling - his behaviour towards you should be different (he should become a brighter person again), ignore what he says about missing you etc. Don't stop with him, he will drag you down with him. He can't make you happy in the state he's in right now.

advice456

Thanks to both of you.

Kinda agree with both which is why Im keeping a good distance.

Im open if he wants to talk but half ready to expect the worse.

Part of me believes in Men are from Mars ie let men stay in their caves and even the rules, men love a challenge and always seems to be more keen the moe you keep away the more they want u ?? and if they don't well at least you have your dignity. Ive made it clear how i feel and if he wants me he knows my number.

mildredalien

So he said that he isn't in love with you but then wanted you to stay? He can't have it both ways. Either he wants to work on the relationship together and try and fix things or he doesn't, in which case the relationship should end and you should go your separate ways. He is right in saying that you can't and shouldn't remain friends with your ex (unless children are involved). You should really be thinking about moving on and not hanging around hoping he might change his mind.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago where I was in a long term relationship but we had drifted apart and were not happy. Neither of us were brave enough to say we wanted to end it for ages, but fortunately we were both on the same page and once it was said we were able to make the right decision. It is SO hard to end a relationship that has been going on for so long, the prospect of everything changing is scary! I think you need to really consider whether you want to try and continue with the relationship and if you do still really love him, or whether it is fear, comfort and familiarity driving you to stay.

FBaby

You are doing the right thing. Whatever the future of your relation, it is in his hands. What you control is whether you want to keep yourself open to him coming back to you if/when he sorts himself out.

It's a difficult decision. On one hand, he could be madly in love with you, but the depression is wiping all his feelings away and make him feel that he has stopped being in love with you. It could be that sorting himself out is all it will take for all the feelings to come back.

On the other hand, he might be confused for other reasons than his depression and this could go for a long time, with him going hot and cold on you, giving you hope and then slashing it, with your emotions going all over the place.

I think you will need to go with your gut feeling.

meritaten

I feel that he is perhaps having a bit of a breakdown. He really sounds confused and depressed - and you too! maybe you do both need time apart to work on your own mental states? I don't think all is lost though - if you both can remain friends and support each other over the coming months, then I can see your relationship perhaps even deepening. Somewhere along the way, something got lost between you two - its very glib to say that you need to find it again, its going to take hard work and much soulsearching and complete honesty both with each other and within yourselves. I do wish you success and happiness!