Deleted

anonj07

Thanks for all your helpful replies. It helps to get other peoples' views. I'll revert back to my normal username now.

ailuro2

Explain the situation to your father-

He may have strong views one way or the other.

Is he happy with only you caring for him? What happens when you need a break?

Is his condition likely to deteriorate where he will need full-time care?

Can he afford to pay you?

Do you have any siblings that could help with his care,or who could help pay you?

How much would you need to be paid? Tax implicatinos etc.

Would it be easier if he came to live with you to share bills and give the money saved to you?

Many questions more than answers here.

Nicki

My parents tbh would probably take great umbrage at this, though it isn't at all unreasonable a request. Could you suggest to him that he uses some of his CGT allowances to transfer lump sums to you, to decrease IHT liabilities in the end? That would help out your cash flow, and may perhaps look less like you were being asked to be paid for your time?

Its a really difficult one and I hope you find the answer. I certainly don't think you are unethical for asking the question.

dollop

hi i dont know much about this,but wouldnt you be able to claim some sort of carers allowance or something?im sure there must be some sort of benefit that you would be able to claim for looking after your father.

sarymclary

Hi, I sympathise with your predicament.

I am presuming that you would have discussed with your husband about giving up work, even though it was a 'knee jerk reaction'. Therefore, I imagine the financial situation would have been a natural condition to consider at that time.

By wanting to change his job to one that pays 40% less, won't your husband be well aware of the financial implications you will be facing as a couple?

I know you don't want to worry him, but I do feel that it's essential to discuss finances in a marriage, so that any decisions made will be joint ones.

If you both decide for him to pursue the job of his choice at a lesser wage, then I do think that you will both need to approach your father and discuss it with him too. Since he is financially secure, why not see it as a way of spending your own inheritence, and thereby not 'taking' anything he might otherwise have considered part of anything given to another sibling. This would hopefully get around any potential animosity on that score (not that you mentioned any).

I think caring for a relative is something many have to to, but few would choose, so you are to be commended for doing so. Your father is very lucky to have you.

mae

I just wanted to say you don't sound mercenary at all you sound like a very caring daughter who loves her father very much and I am sure he knows how lucky he is to have you.
I think it will be hard for you to raise the subject but I don't feel its unreasonable at all coz if he had to go into a home I'm sure it would be much more expensive than paying you and no where near as personal or loving.
The other implication may be your siblings would they object or would it cause problems in the future if they were not told about it?
Good luck and like I said I think your dad is very lucky, I hope it works out for you both.

bestpud

I think it's your OH you really need to speak with about this.

Perhaps you could just mention a 'taking stock' meeting? I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest this as he has been planning these changes after you started caring for your dad.

I guess if he really wants to change his job then having your dad move in with you would be a compromise?

You need to think of yourself in this - it's all to easy to fall into carer mode and forget that silent worries are not good for you either.

You don't sound mercenary at all!

Best wishes,

Bestpud

jacquij123

Would it be possible to bring up the topic in conversation without actually asking for him to 'pay' you. Just mention OHs situation and that it will be really tight, you may even find he'll jump at the chance to contribute.

Errata

I've been in your situation. Had to sack 3 homecare agencies because of substandard care. I told my parents I would step in, but I wanted their attendance allowance. Bit of a battle to start off with, they wanted to put it in their savings so they would have something to leave me when they kicked they bucket ! In the end I laid it all out very unemotionally and pragmatically and told them they had two options, divvy up or go back to rubbish careworkers. They divvied up ! Especially after I pointed out that it was the government's money, not theirs. Sometimes you have to spell out all the options and consequences in a straightforward way and leave the decision making to them.
I should add that I was gardener, chauffeur, personal shopper, cleaner, laundrymaid, bath slave, nursing auxilliary, interpreter, crossword puzzle assistant, oddjob person, decorator, furniture shifter, spring cleaner, accountant and plain cook.
Occasionally they'd have a moan about it, but it was water off a duck's back because they had made the decison, not me.
High rate attendance allowance right now is about £66, so you might want to point out to dad that he'll be paying a minimum of £400 for residential care.

mae

Could you have a family meeting including siblings? That way you could point out that you are very happy to look after dad however financially things may now be changing and so would either the siblings be willing to pay up or would they be happy for you and dad to agree a weekly figure and you could say you would be happy to provide statements to show that this is the exact amount taken and that you are not in it for the profit just a reasonable income for giving up your job to care for him full time. I am sure you are not expecting you full loss of salary and you should point this out its just that you do need a little help. That way your siblings are aware of everything along the line and know that nothing under hand is going on.
Maybe you could also ask your dad what he sees as a fair figure then he feels like he still has some power over his situation.
Just some suggestions which may or may not help but good luck as I said earlier.

ailuro2

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/protect/inheritance-tax-planning-iht

would be a good read for you- I also agree about having a family meeting- perhaps without your Dad initially until you find out what way the wind blows, as it were- it sounds like it would be upsetting for your father if he saw any squabbling over his care.

Bless you for doing it for him all this time-but it's not mercenary at all to be paid for it if you need the money, and it is also unfair to put your own relationship under strain when your siblings are taking a back seat and not contributing anything.

Perhaps you should have something written out in advance listing how much you have lost in earnings, why you will need the money, and if your father is very well off, then it makes financial sense for him to start handing over some inheritance money now, as the link above might suggest.Find a good IFA you all trust and get organised. Get them to include payments for your time- they may well be thinking everything is still fine for you as your OH is earning enough, so it's one less thing for them to worry about.