Marriage breakdown, child involved - where do I stand?

sjgtag

Hi, please could someone offer me some advice as I don't know what to do. PLease excuse this being my first post, I post on the OS board but have got a new id as I don't want my husband reading this,.

I have been with my husband for 9 and a half years, married for almost 3 and have a baby under 1. Since the birth of our baby our relationship has gone really down hill and has now got to the point where I don't think I can continue. Theres no one else involved I'm sure but we can't communicate anymore, hes done lots of things that have hurt me and I can't forgive this things/let them go and he has a gambling addication which I think is the cause of a lot of our problems. Hes trying hard to get past this but the things hes done because of his addication have hurt me so much.

My husband wants to try and make things better between us and doesn't want to split but he knows things can't carry on like this. He wants us to try counselling but I don't know, this morning hes tried to get close to me but I can't do it anymore and have pushed him away. He broke down last night because of how I'm being with him and he has massive regrets about the past but I don't think I can forgive him.

I have no friends close enough to tell them this and I don't want to tell my family yet. DH could stay at his mums as they have room. I am worried if we spilt he will go back gambling.

I don't know where I stand financially, can anyone help? I don't know anything about benefits and what I'd be entitled to if I was a lone parent, I claim child benefit and tax credits at the minute.

He earns a very good wage, I'm a SAHM and have never brought la lot of money in when I did work, hes the one the pays the mortgage and the bills. He gives me housekeeping every month and deal with the budget. Do we have to sell the house? we have equity (50k) in the house - is this his money as I've never paid into the mortgage? How will I pay a mortgage on somewhere else? Does DH have a duty to our child to still provide for him? I want to still me a SAHM, I wouldn't have anyone to have baby when I work but how can I afford to be? I do think DH would support his child and would want contact with him but where do I start in telling him its over and sorting out where we'll all live, money, etc and what happens in time when he gets fed up of supporting me.

I am so heartbroken about this but I think now I'm just going numb and just want to sort things out. I never wanted to be a single parent (no offence to anyone) but I can't bring my child up in this environment. I need to get the practical things sorted now to make sure me and baby have somewhere to live and be okay.

Thank you xx

conradmum

First of all, are your 100% sure you want to split?
The first year or two of a baby's life often puts a huge strain on relationships, especially when either partner refuses to 'grow up' and put the baby and their partner's needs in the priority position they should be. Some partners actually get worse and start trying to compete with the baby for attention. It sounds as though the problems your husband has have been exacerbated by the arrival of the baby and that you have also become less tolerant of him because - naturally - looking after a young baby is very difficult and tiring. So things have come to a head.
Secondly, have you heard of Gamblers Anonymous? They are like AA and have support groups for partners as well as the person with the addiction. Even if your husband isn't gambling now (and he may still be, no matter what he tells you) he should join this organisation. Gambling is an addiction to him and he will need help to stop permanently. He needs to understand why he gambles and what forms gambling can take, and it will really help him to talk to people who know where he's coming from with this. You can go to the support group even he won't go, or if you split up. It can really help you.
I think if he refuses to join GA it probably isn't worth staying. I've never known anyone stay off gambling without this and I really don't think it's too much to ask of him if he really is committed to staying in the relationship. If he won't join he thinks it isn't a problem and he's in control. It's more than likely that he's wrong. It also shows that he doesn't care enough about you to swallow his pride.
Regarding your rights, it can depend on many things. As you're married and you have a child, you're entitled to some of the equity in the house. Whether this is enough for you to stay there only receiving Income Support may be unlikely. He will have to pay towards your child - I think it's 15% of his income for one child - but if you aren't working most of this will be swallowed up by your Income Support entitlement and you'll only see a certain amount of it extra to your benefits. In short, if you don't want to work, things will be hard financially.
Maybe you could ask him for a trial separation so you can both reassess the relationship and what you need for it to succeed? Also, try asking your GP about counselling options. Things will probably improve as your baby gets older but not if he's hurting you so badly now that you could never forgive him.

Fran

Hi,

Sorry to here about your situation.

Do you want to try to get your marriage back on track, in which case the counselling could be a good start? Has he properly acknowledge his gambling addiction, eg has he contacted anyone for help?

Benefit wise, as a single parent with no income you would be able to claim Income Support for yourself, Income Support mortgage interest payments, Child Tax Credits for your child, and Council Tax Benefit. When you claim IS the Child Support Agency are automatically contacted and whatever he has to pay you would only receive £10 of it while on IS. It would be useful to go to your Citizens Advice Bureau and they can go through all of this with you, or other welfare benefits advisors locally.

If you decide to work, you can then put in a claim for Working Tax Credits (if you work over 16 hours). If you work under 16 hours you can keep the first £20 but any more is taken £ for £ off Income Support.

If you sell the house and rent (eg) the money from the house would be taken into account for the income based benefits that you would be looking at claiming.

Some useful links:

Citizens Advice - Adviceguide
Jobcentre Plus
Entitled to
HMRC - Tax Credits

There are more links on the Benefits board. There are lots of knowledgeable people on the Benefits board if you want to ask any questions.

I agree with Conradmum about a trial seperation being a good idea.

Could some of the problem be Post Natal Depression? It is a big change with the constant demands of a new baby. Have you seen your doctor about how you feel?

SSB

Hi

Citizen Advice Bureau has a computer programme that can assess all your entitlements to benefits. We will also be able to talk to you about various scenarious; work/not to work, housing, childcare, practical implications of separation/divorce etc.

This is such a stressful time for you, it is often helpful to hear what are your rights and entitlements and this will mean one less worry for you. Warm thoughts and good luck what ever you decide.

Avoriaz

My advice is to try all possible methods of reconciliation before you decide to irrevocably split up.

Even the worst of relationships can be repaired if both parties are willing and there is lots of give and take and forgiveness on both sides. You might never get back to where you were before, but it is quite possible you can reconstruct things back into a mutually satisfying and loving relationship again.

We all change with age and changing circumstances. Some of us don’t adapt to the changes as well as others and your husband appears not to have coped well with the arrival of a baby. This is not unusual and hopefully in time he can learn to adapt and cope with the radical change in your lives.

You probably feel that it is all or mostly his fault. Maybe it is but you should have a long hard look at yourself too. There are almost always faults on both sides and recognising that you too have made mistakes may help you to forgive him his mistakes.

You loved him once and there is no reason why you cannot find a way to love him again.

Good luck.

viktory

I wonder if you would feel more comfortable if you had control of the budget. As he used to gamble I wonder if you are scared that he will again? I agree with other posters, explore every angle before splitting.

ailuro2

For your own sake, and for the sake of your child, I' dsuggest really thinking hard about going for counselling- if he really has seen the error of his ways and wants to do best for you and his child, then with counselling maybe you can learn to let him prove he is worthy of trusting.

I know how hard it is when kids are young, especially under one year old.

Having been together so long there is probably something to be salvaged from the relationship? Even if the counselling doesn't bring you back together on the same path, but helps you both to realise that things are past reconciliation then you will perhaps be helped to cope with splitting more amicably?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I had to learn to trust my dh after my daughter was born. It was something I never thought would happen ,but slowly it did, and we're stronger for it.