Friend constantly splitting up with Husband

cheepskate_2

I don't really know how to start this,

Friend has had numerous failed relationships over the years.
So she had been single for years and met new beau, who is now husband
Not a problem in itself, but this is a on -off relationship and the children are suffering(imho)

He is possessive and controlling, She is very controlling, I also think that she has a bit of narcissistic behavior about her....Its never her fault for anything and will twist circumstances round till it is his or somebody else's fault, amongst other things.

Anyway, they are always in moods with each other, or if it is going well for a day or 2 they think it is wonderful relationship.

So it goes like this:...
For 2 days they love each other,everything is lovey dovey.
Day 3 there is a small argument............but with them it cant be a small one , they go into moods with each other lasts for up to a week.
Day 8 all lovey dovey
Day 10 - arguments
Day 17 lovey dovey

They then split up when it gets too much, probably after about 3/4 months now, (used to be a longer period)
They wont talk at all - NO contact at all for say 2-5 days, where she knows all the faults of the relationship
As soon as they talk within 2 days she is back to oh he's nice, like he used to be, and all loved up again.. Even tho she knows when she takes him back(or he comes back) within days it goes back to the above what it was like before they split
So they get back and it all goes back again to the start.............

.I really don't know how they can put up with it as just listening to it really drains me

Anyway onto the problem....There are too m,any to list so ones i'm concerned about.

Young child, I noticed that when they split he would stop wetting pants, when they got back together he would start again. After i had realized this may be happening it was confirmed the last split(where he stopped), they are now back talking, Hubby coming down to visit(stay) and little one has went back to wetting

There is no physical abuse going on, but to me the little one is picking up on everything, he is very good at non-verbal stuff,even for his age.

Oldest child (not hubbys) has no interaction with hubby, does not like him at all ,probably due to all the arguing and he(hubby) doesn't have any interest in children-at all-

So here is my dilema: (sorry for it being so long)

It is mentally draining me. as being a friend she talks to me about it.........I don't know how to describe how i feel, but just fed up of it all ,its just like a litle merry go round that never ends.

Also concerned about youngster, I have said numerous times about how the kids are being effected, sher knows it , but always comes out with the kids are 1st, then goes back into the same relationship for it all to start again. infact this time, she didnt even loose breath about how kids are affected, then went on to tell about him moving back in soon.

She is a good friend ,so don't want to stop the friendship, but how do you distance yourself from talking to her about it all, when obviously she is upset and wants to talk.

I condensed this so much, otherwise i would be here all day.

Heffi1

Probably the best thing would be to say, I have sat through numerous times where you have been upset and then things are good again, that I cannot keep up, so you are either with him 100% working on positive goals or you are not, whichever it is I will be happy for you, but I am no longer going to sit here and listen to you bad mouthing the man you say you love.

If your child begins to wet himself again when he is in the house I may feel the need to let safeguarding know about it, as the child is clearly suffering and as you say the children are your first priority, you need to sort this out.

then I would retreat for her to lick her wounds while calling you all the bad names she can think of, while taking no responsibility.

That is a very harsh view, but the welfare of the children has to come first.

Macca83_2

If it were me, at this point I'd probably be at the end of my tether too so I would definitely be telling the friend a couple of Home truths.
Their relationship is destructive. It's having an impact on them, but more importantly it's having a negative impact on the kids. I would offer support but I would make it clear that they need to decide whether they want to stay together and work on it. Or split.

Errata

Good friends don't mentally drain their friends, but they do treat their friends like doormats.

cheepskate_2

thanks,lol

Macca83...I am at the stage, and been so for some time, where home truths have been said.
From what she says, Nobody, thinks the relationship is good, she has been told this by quite a few people, including her older children ,family members and close friends.

I think now everyone is getting a tad fed up as its all drama and no matter how much you like someone it does get tiring .

Tiddlywinks

Some people like to live life on the edge... Fine if you don't have dependents... Not fine if it starts damaging others.

Tell her closest relative you are taking a break from the drama and your reasons and drop her a short card explaining that you can't continue to watch the disaster unfold.

Then stay at arms length - send birthday cards etc but no close contact.

Drama queens need an audience, stop buying the tickets.

jenhug

RE the youngest child, do you have any concerns regarding abuse?

cheepskate_2

Jenhug....no, not even a hint of it., all the children are well looked after and loved, its just this on/off that is affecting them.

paulineb_2

The young child is obviously very distressed though.

cheepskate_2

I agree....and I bring this to her attention all the time, It irritates me no end.

Nicki

Would it work to always bring the focus immediately to the children and not give her any attention each time she starts.

So she says Oh John has left me. You say Until the next time. That's good news for Jimmy though. Bet he's a lot happier Has he stopped wetting again? And just refuse to respond or react to anything about how she feels.

Similarly when she says they are back together, you say For the time being at least. That's rough on the kids. How's Jimmy doing? Is he wetting the bed again?

If part of all this is that she is an attention seeker who likes the drama, if you are giving her the time of day to discuss anything about her role or feelings in any of this, it is enabling her behaviour and possibly even encouraging her?