Discoveries (Abuse as a child)

[Deleted User]

I had a long talk with my father today as he's unwell and needed my help. I battled for a long time with the effects of abuse that began as a very young child but became much worse when my mother divorced my father and lived with, then married my stepfather. The emotional abuse was always there (from my mother) but once my stepfather came along the violence started.., so much so I constantly feared for my survival although he was very careful to kick me where no one could see the marks.

He said that he remembered my mum saying 'she didn't know what she did to deserve me. I remember her saying this vividly from the age of four. I can even describe where I was standing and how it made me feel. I have been very very careful to be quite different with my children and never ever give a hint that I don't consider them to be totally worthwhile and loved. My father said that she felt I was a punishment for her.., but that's no news to me.., I got the idea lol.

I can remember her pulling me around by the hair and losing hair in patches. I can remember that she really didn't seem to like or love me. But my dad told me something I have completely forgotten, even now he's told me.

I was diagnosed as a diabetic when I was four (this was even before the 70's). In those days to give injections u had to use metal syringes and metal needles. Compared to the plastic 'needles' we use today it was like trying to get a chisel into your skin. They were much much thicker and less sharp by 4 times than what we use now. I remember sitting there for ages trying to get the thing to pierce my skin.., and of course it was quite painful. Before I was 8 my parents used to have to inject me.

And I've just discovered because I used to do anything and everything to avoid these injections.., they used to hold me down to give them. Although I can't remember this, I can feel the terror at the thought.

It probably doesn't sound like too bad a thing.., but it explains to a degree why I reacted so badly to these injections. Even in my teens I'd find giving myself insulin very difficult. I'd sit there for ages trying to nerve myself up to do it. Once plastipak syringes came along with their super fine needles I was ok.., but up until this point (for around 12 years), the injections were a major problem.

I don't understand why I don't remember though. I remember lots of things that were yuk from my childhood and how I felt at the time.., but even now I've been told, I can't remember being held down. I can feel the terror but I can't remember an incident. Yet my Dad told me it wasn't a rare thing.

I feel like I need to talk about it, and I am due to go for a counselling assessment but it won't be for some weeks.., is there anywhere I can go meanwhile? I'm concerned how I'd talk about it though.., I might crack up because the terror I feel is very real (in my head). I don't know what to do with it, if that makes sense. It is a bit over the top.., I was a child them (between four and eight).., I'm an adult now.., this could not happen to me again unless I was in a psychiatric hospital (not likely). Is this part of why I have had two abusive relationships and have reacted with such fear at time to threats that have been made? I can't stand to be forced to do something I don't want to do. I can't stand any type of physical restraint even now.

Mojisola

If you need to talk about it tonight, the Samaritans are always there for you.

I'm sure others will be along with other ideas. Take care of yourself.

Counting_Pennies_2

I think it would be a very good idea

It sounds like you have a few things buried.

It does not excuse your mother, but it sounds like she had PND and was untreated!

Vicky123

If you need to talk about it then it's probably time to do just that.
Not sure what you can do about the waiting time though, is this private or NHS, could you afford to go private?
It's not uncommon for abused children to end up in abusive relationships and it can take decades to work out how you ended up in the cycle of abuse or even realize how much you've suffered.
Do you have any siblings? Close friends or relatives you can speak to? Maybe a support group would be useful, abuse is very isolating, meeting others who have been there too is incredibly helpful.

Corelli

Hi, yes the Samaritan will be there for you if you need to talk at anytime. Otherwise, I have heard good things about thi organiation but they are less well resourced, although they have support groups too. http://www.napac.org.uk/ Your local Mind could be worth contacting too.

Good for you for going for support. I've not been through anything quite like your experience myself but have been close to a friend as her memories of childhood abuse started flooding back. She went through therapy, it was not always easy for her but came out the other side much clearer and stronger. Hugs, you too will find greater comfort and ease in your life now you have started to face up to the past facts that have led to your terrors now.

Your fears and past relationships could very likely come from what you have described, but of course this is something to explore in your therapy/counselling. Do talk to the Samaritans or whoever you get through to, or post here if it helps. I've had occasion more than once to talk to the Samaritans and everyone I spoke to was excellent. One person who was listening to my son, in deep distress, but he wouldn't talk to them so we had to do it through me. I've found them flexible, supportive and very good at listening without giving answers, just helping you talk more and explore thing for yourself.

C X

[Deleted User]

lol PND doesn't last for 16 years.., sorry, that wasn't it, honestly.

No I don't have much in the way of family. I have a brother, but well, I was scapegoated.., so I'm the black sheep in the family, the 'awkward' one ( I wasn't really I didn't do anything 'bad' or anything.., too scared to lol). My brother, I suspect, feels I abandoned him because I left home at 16. He then started walking around with bruises. Unfortunately at the time I was a bit of a basket case trying to deal with what had happened and I didn't realise what he was dealing with (I know that sounds daft but its the way it was, something I now feel terrible about, so wish I had tried to get him out of there). It was only later I discovered people had spoken to my mum about the bruises my brother had. We were close as children, but not since then no matter what I've tried to do to talk to him.

InsideInsurance

deannatrois wrote: »

And I've just discovered because I used to do anything and everything to avoid these injections.., they used to hold me down to give them. Although I can't remember this, I can feel the terror at the thought.

It probably doesn't sound like too bad a thing.., but it explains to a degree why I reacted so badly to these injections. Even in my teens I'd find giving myself insulin very difficult. I'd sit there for ages trying to nerve myself up to do it. Once plastipak syringes came along with their super fine needles I was ok.., but up until this point (for around 12 years), the injections were a major problem.

I don't understand why I don't remember though. I remember lots of things that were yuk from my childhood and how I felt at the time.., but even now I've been told, I can't remember being held down. I can feel the terror but I can't remember an incident. Yet my Dad told me it wasn't a rare thing.

I feel like I need to talk about it

Which "it"?

I, fortunately, had a very different upbringing to you. It wasnt perfect but certainly fairly normal until I was a teenager. I too had to have daily injections since being a small kid, I hated it as a youngster even though it was with the modern microfine needles and I too was told that I had to be held down frequently for it to be done at times but I too have no memory of this (though plenty of other positive and negative memories from this age).

To be honest I think this is all a red herring and not particularly a life event in comparison to everything else you went through. It certainly sounds like you could benefit of having a professional to discuss it with. If you cant wait for your appointment then the likes of the Samaritans are there 24/7

fluffnutter

I found your post really upsetting to read Deannatrois - the pain and confusion that you felt as a child is still so evident now. I can only imagine what you're going through. I think your father's current illness is significant in terms of timing - it's prompting you to explore these half memories almost as if he holds part of the key and if you don't find the answers before he dies you'll have lost the opportunity. One other thing strikes me with regard your father - why didn't he protect you? Was he absent after your parents' divorce? Was your mother abusive before he left?

I absolutely applaud your desire to explore these painful memories; it takes a very brave person to be prepared to unlock childhood trauma in an effort to move forwards. Many people are simply too fearful (understandably) and pay the price of the legacy of abuse throughout their adult lives. Counselling is obviously the right idea and I think you don't need to be too concerned about how you approach things. Your counsellor will guide you. It's natural to be frightened; you're laying yourself open to more pain. But by exploring these memories hopefully you'll be able to put in context some of your adult fears and embark on healthier and happier relationships.

You've spent all of your adult life living with this so far, a few more weeks won't make much difference. Wait for the counselling appointment and take it from there. Don't feel you should be doing something else and don't feel your response is 'over the top'. It's natural that things feel like they're coming to a head right now - that's the point at which you can start moving forwards. Good luck.

Brighton_belle

fluffnutter wrote: »

I found your post really upsetting to read Deannatrois - the pain and confusion that you felt as a child is still so evident now. I can only imagine what you're going through. I think your father's current illness is significant in terms of timing - it's prompting you to explore these half memories almost as if he holds part of the key and if you don't find the answers before he dies you'll have lost the opportunity. One other thing strikes me with regard your father - why didn't he protect you? Was he absent after your parents' divorce? Was your mother abusive before he left?

I absolutely applaud your desire to explore these painful memories; it takes a very brave person to be prepared to unlock childhood trauma in an effort to move forwards. Many people are simply too fearful (understandably) and pay the price of the legacy of abuse throughout their adult lives. Counselling is obviously the right idea and I think you don't need to be too concerned about how you approach things. Your counsellor will guide you. It's natural to be frightened; you're laying yourself open to more pain. But by exploring these memories hopefully you'll be able to put in context some of your adult fears and embark on healthier and happier relationships.

You've spent all of your adult life living with this so far, a few more weeks won't make much difference. Wait for the counselling appointment and take it from there. Don't feel you should be doing something else and don't feel your response is 'over the top'. It's natural that things feel like they're coming to a head right now - that's the point at which you can start moving forwards. Good luck.

This is such a great post and say everything I was thinking only expresses it much better, so just had to repeat it really.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for your understanding. Isn't it amazing how everything happens at once? I can't say much but there are also issues going on re my ex.., it all seems to happen at once. I have got a CAF going for my sons (they have special needs, one diagnosed, one not yet) and one of the people is giving me some support and trying to help me sort the mess out.

The red herring point could be right.., but it helps explain some of the terror I feel which is a bit over the top.

Yes I seem to be at a stage in my life when I am ready to deal with this stuff. I've had counselling before but I'd laugh when talking about bad stuff that happened. The counsellor would say 'why are you laughing' but although I could see their point.., it was the stage I was at. Now I am ready to really deal with these things rather than just talk about them while not really dealing with them. I can deal with the pain now.., I couldn't before. Perhaps its because I've done a lot of thinking about this 'cycle of abuse' and acknowledged that it takes two.., someone has to agree to be a victim otherwise it wouldn't be a cycle, it would end. I'm still not doing quite what I should there.., but I am definitely getting there.

shays_mum

Goodluck with your counselling deannatrois, i found your post very moving.
Hope things get sorted out for you soon.