Talking to people about a bereavement

Humphrey10

This is just a rant/thinking "out loud" I suppose.
A close relavative died recently, the funeral was at the weekend. Tomorrow will be my first day back at work, I am dreading a certain irritating person (let's call them X) asking about it.
I can't ignore X and only speak to everyone else, it would be very obvious (open plan office). But I really cannot deal with the endless questions that I'm sure I'll get from X - how was it, how long was it, how did you feel, how was relative A, how was relative B, what was the service like, what was the reception like, etc etc some people don't know when to stop.

I know I will get all these questions, because I got them when I told everyone the close relative had died. If I speak to the whole group (people who sit near me) about something like this, I always get extra questions from X. X is trying to be helpful and compassionate I know, but that doesn't make it any less irritating.

I know X is well meaning, and I really don't want to make X feel like I am speaking to everyone else and not thm because X has various issues going on at the moment so I don't want X to feel excluded from the team. Argh.

Also earlier this evening I found something for dead close relative's model railway that I never got round to painting + installing for them too late now

*max*

"It went well, as well as those things go. I don't really want to talk about it, it's very raw, if you don't mind? Thank you. "

That's what I would say. It's work, it's not an AA meeting. You don't have to say anything you don't feel like saying. If they press you (which would be the height of rudeness btw!) just say you really don't feel like talking about it and leave it at that. Anyone who keeps on badgering you after that would have to be a little lacking in the brains department (to be PC about it).

I'm sorry for your loss.

ostrichnomore_2

sorry for your loss.

Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Just say 'it was a moving service, thank you, but I don't want to go into details.' or 'it went well, thank you, but I don't wish to discuss it', or 'It was sad but I'm glad I went, and I don't really want to talk about it, thank you' and turn and get on with some work.

Perhaps you need to share a bit less at work - especially when X is around. How does X know about your different relatives etc to ask about them?

virgo149

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I also understand how difficult that first day back is having lost a close relative 4 years ago.

Have you got a friend/boss at work who could have a quiet word with everyone - but also very specifically X, letting them know things are still very raw for you and if possible to just act naturally around you and not to talk to you in detail about things at the moment?

People will naturally want to express their condolences to you but they should be able to leave it at that if that's what you want.

Take your time with this and look after yourself.

heartbreak_star

My condolences.

I am so lucky I have a good workplace - first day back after we lost Dad my boss spoke to me and said that he was there if I needed him, as was everyone else, but the office had made the decision not to mention it unless I wanted to. They had also sent a card which was lovely

I would just state that it went well but you are still not feeling 100% and therefore would prefer not to talk about it.

Lots of good wishes.

HBS x

Mojisola

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Just because someone asks you a question, it doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Just say 'it was a moving service, thank you, but I don't want to go into details.' or 'it went well, thank you, but I don't wish to discuss it', or 'It was sad but I'm glad I went, and I don't really want to talk about it, thank you' and turn and get on with some work.

This is the line to take the first and second time X asks. The third time you will need to be even more upfront "As I said to you before, I don't want to talk about it".

Stick to the script and don't drip-feed little details - that will encourage X to dig more.

If X doesn't stop after the third rebuff, you'll either have to be really rude or ask a manager to have a word with X.

Goldiegirl

virgo149 wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I also understand how difficult that first day back is having lost a close relative 4 years ago.

Have you got a friend/boss at work who could have a quiet word with everyone - but also very specifically X, letting them know things are still very raw for you and if possible to just act naturally around you and not to talk to you in detail about things at the moment?

People will naturally want to express their condolences to you but they should be able to leave it at that if that's what you want.

Take your time with this and look after yourself.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss

The above is what I was going to suggest.

In my experience, quite a few people speak to their manager before they come back to work after a bereavement, just to mention that they'd prefer to be left quietly when they come back, and not to talk about it all too much.

If you do something like that, people will probably just come over to say hello, and to give their sympathies, and leave it at that.

Then if you do feel like talking, you can always speak to your closest friends at lunch time in the staff room or over at the pub or whatever.

Then X won't get a chance to ask intrusive questions.

Take care of yourself.

j.e.j.

Hope it went OK today, OP.

Perhaps if you talk about things too much they'll get the impression you don't mind discussing it, so it might be good to try and be a bit assertive, or better still let the manager know you don't want to be bombarded with fatuous questions, particularly from X.

Some people are socially stupid, unfortunately, but I can't see a way of you talking to the rest of the team but not X, so I guess you'd either have to talk about it with everyone or not at all, iyswim.

Tiddlywinks

When I lost my mum I was OK holding everything together until someone showed me a kind word and that would bring back the emotion... so, I used to say something along the lines of:

'everything went as well as can be expected, thanks for asking. I hope you don't mind though but I'm not really ready to talk about things yet so can we change the subject? How was your weekend... how are the children etc etc.'

That turned the attention onto them.

If they persisted I would just say: 'can we change the subject as I'm not quite ready to talk about things yet... I'll let you know if I need to talk. Thanks'.

Some people just aren't good at reading emotions and need to be told nicely that you want to change the subject.

It does get easier... just give yourself some time.

Prothet_of_Doom

I'm going left field here.

Could you make up some massively hilarious story, about the whole funeral, the people that attended, that is so unbelievable, and ends with "And then there was a knocking from the coffin" ?

I cope with loss and stress by writing it all into a sitcom in my head, "worst day of my life" style (That was a good program).

Basically leave person X wishing that they'd never asked.

i.e. How was Relative A? Well let me tell you, she actually turned up wearing a boob tube, and 7 inch platforms, but then she fell over coffin, which was okay because we were able to catch it before it hit the ground, but it then transpired that she'd drunk a bottle of gin before she got up, so I guess she's taken on the deseaced role as family drunkard.

Basically get more and more fantastical.

Oh by the way, I feel your pain. Death is ultimately inevitable, but somehow it always hurts to one's left behind.

WantToBeSE

Sorry for your loss.

maybe you could say something like "I really appreciate your concern (even if you dont appreciate it) but i really don't want to talk about it right now".

It's polite, but to the point.