Splitting up with someone you live with?

Confusion_3

I've started to think about finishing with my boyfriend who I've lived with for two years. It sounds silly and like it should be the least of my worries, but I really need some advice on the practical side.
Should I arrange a place to move out to before I talk to him? Should I keep paying him money to help with the rent on out apartment (which he couldn't afford to live in alone) until he finds somewhere new? What do we do about joint posessions/ bills/ bank accounts?
It's all really scaring me because it seems so big and I really need some advice on how to manage the split. I know I must sound shallow and materialistic, but I just don't wnat there to be any mor eproblems and difficulties than there needs to be.
Please help!
Thankyou.

belfastgirl23

I think you might be focusing on the practical stuff as a way to avoid the emotional end of things. First thing is that you need to to tell him what you're thinking. You'll hopefully have some idea of how he might react but it is probably worth having a bed for the night arranged with a friend just in case you both feel you need some thinking time. If you both decide that you want to split up then you probably need to set a time limit (eg you hand in your notice on the flat for six weeks time or however long it will take to find somewhere else). You might have an uncomfortable few weeks both having to live there although again if you could perhaps both try to have a night with friends once or twice a week it might ease things a bit. Unfortunately no one here can really do much to help you, only you can sort things out. But after two years I do think you're better talking to him before you do anything too drastic, unless you're worried about him reacting violently or something.

Good luck

lady_fuschia

I agree that you need to at least discuss how you're feeling with him before you start working out the practical things (which aren't as complex as you seem to think, although it can be an emotional process to go through).
Personally it would hurt me more if someone broke up with me and turned out to have already arranged themselves a new flat, cancelled direct debits etc by the time they broke up with me - I would prefer that they spoke to me about what they were feeling before they went ahead.
If after the split you really can't face living with him whilst you sort things out and give notice consider staying with friends or relatives for a week or two (I've known newly seperated married couples to do this and people are usually willing to help provided it's for a short period)
But really, your priority at the moment is to talk to him - you don't say whether this is a decision you've come to on your own, whether it's something you've discussed, whether he's expecting the split or if it's going to hit him out of the blue.
If you're in a relationship serious enough to be cohabiting then the decision to end it really does need to be something you discuss between you. It's just more respectful.

lady_fuschia

On a practical not you may want to have a read of this article:

http://www.advicenow.org.uk/go/livingtogether/package_18.html

pinkshoes

I guess you need to talk it through with your boyfriend, because maybe you've just got that that "stuck in a rut" stage and have been taking each other for granted and everything has gone bleugh??

If the two of you agree to split up, you'll need to keep paying your share of the flat until the notice is up, as it's only fair. Can one of you sleep in the bedroom, and the other gets the living room? As for the joint possessions, you could maybe make a rough list of what you own, roughly their value, and then you'd have to decide between you who gets what. This is always tricky, as if you're moving back into shared accomodation, then neither of you will want the furniture, so for the sake of not bickering, it's probably easier just to sell it!

As previous poster said, if you tell your ex you wanna split up, and he then finds out you've planned the whole thing including dividing shared items, then he'll be really upset!

timberflake

You need to speak to your bf, speaking as someone who has just been dumpted after finding out the girlfriend had already lined up someone to take my place it can be very hurtful to find out that the person you love has made all the preparations behind your back to make sure they're ok only to leave you in the crap.....

Please speak to him before you make any rash decisions and then report back to let us know how it went.....