do I speak up?

pukkamum

Bit of background first will help I think, we 3 sisters all have or have had issues with my mum.
A lot of our childhood was marred by choices she made it affected us all in different ways and I know we all feel our childhood was worse than the others.
We have all felt fairly or unfairly to different degrees anger at mum for things that happened during childhood.
Mum has never acknowledged fully how bad things got for all of us, she will gloss over events, make out we are being dramatic etc.
I recently had a conversation with my mum where I told her that whether she wanted to believe it or not at points in my childhood I was very very unhappy, I wasn't emotional, I didn't accuse her and I also made the point that I also had extremely happy memories of childhood too.
She was lovely she accepted it explained what she was going through at that time and we had a lovely hug.
I'm no longer angry with her feel very sorry for what she went through and we have a mich happier relationship for it.
My sisters are still angry with her, elder sis always brings up in conversation with mum how awful her childhood was etc which obviously upsets mum, so mum instead of talking through with sis the badness etc giving her story, mum always tried to protect us from the truth, not badmouthing our fathers etc she just denies it.
There was a row last night mum was bit drunk and shouted at younger sis that she feels we only ever contact her when we want something she feels we don't care etc.
Now I know she isn't directing this at me we have a good social relationship, see each other lots etc, however, other 2 do treat her like this.
Do I step in?
Do I tell sisters all mum told me bear on mind it will mean speaking ill about younger sis deceased dad?
Dk I encourage them to have same chat with mum I had?
Younger sis especially is holding to a lot of anger with mum mainly because I think of her dads death.
Don't get me wrong mums not blameless.
I just feel it's time to stop the rot in our family.
What would you do?

paulineb_2

Yes, Id encourage them to have a chat with your mum the same way you had, I wouldnt be telling them anything your mum told you.

Family life can be tough. I didnt have the easiest childhood, not my mums fault but there have been times we have had words, but I know my mum always did her best for me and her brother and she didnt have the easiest childhood herself, likewise neither did my gran.

People make mistakes and sometimes its something you pass down. My gran had a very strict childhood, very little love and also very religious and my mum and her had a difficult relationship for a long time, but they sorted it out, sometimes you have to realise that the way people behave has been passed down perhaps from the way they were brought up.

For all her faults my gran was a tremendous person, so was my grandpa, he had never been shown love when growing up, therefore my mum and uncles childhood was tougher than it could have been, but when I was born, he loved me, my mum said a lot changed for him when I came along and I loved him dearly, was heartbroken when he died, same with my gran.

Sometimes you need to realise that people do the best they can and make mistakes and let go of things you cant change

And I do appreciate some people will have had really horrendous childhoods and cant forgive and thats ok.

But if your sisters dont know the real truth about certain family events, maybe it is time they did know.

Because your mum seems to be getting the blame for stuff that seems not to be entirely her fault.

poet123

I would encourage your sister to have the same chat you had. Before that though I would have another chat with your mum and tell her that as the chat you had really helped you are going to suggest the same to your sister. That way it will give your mum time to think of how she might get the message across to your sister without being overly nasty about her dead father. I would tell your sister that you felt similarly to her but having chatted to your mum as an adult you understand better why and how things happened and that you have forgiven your mum for her part.

I think your mum will really appreciate you trying to mend the rift. Good luck.

HPoirot

It would be up to your mum to stop the rot in her family, not lash out whenever unpleasant memories are brought up. As you say, you were all childen and it has affected each of you differently, and it has been and is up to her to address that. If I were you, I would be encouraging your mum to have a chat with each of your sisters, not the other way round.

pukkamum

HPoirot wrote: »

It would be up to your mum to stop the rot in her family, not lash out whenever unpleasant memories are brought up. As you say, you were all childen and it has affected each of you differently, and it has been and is up to her to address that. If I were you, I would be encouraging your mum to have a chat with each of your sisters, not the other way round.

Oh yes this would be ideal but I know it isn't going to happen and I can continue to the elephant in the room slowly destroy us or try and help resolve it.

BitterAndTwisted

How about a conversation with sister along the lines of "I had a chat with Mum a little while back and she disclosed things to me which put a lot of what happened to us in the past in context. I don't feel quite so angry and hurt about it all now because I understand things better. What don't you have a talk with Mum yourself?"


Your mother must feel terribly guilty about having failed you in not protecting you and your feelings. But bridges to understanding can be built if all are willing

whitewing

Why don't you all just sit down together and see how it goes? Don't expect too much from the first conversation as you will all be at different stages but maybe doing this occasionally together with your mum will allow everybody to heal a bit, or at least have the information to heal in your own time (which can be different times for everybody, I didn't really start to tackle my own stuff until I'd met my husband and then us having a child together brought a lot more to the fore).

HPoirot

pukkamum wrote: »

Oh yes this would be ideal but I know it isn't going to happen and I can continue to the elephant in the room slowly destroy us or try and help resolve it.

Sorry I misread the situation re your mum. Then of course I would disclose your conversation with your mum to your sisters which made you more understanding of her. And indicate to them that if approached in a dispassionate way, she would be willing to talk about the past. Bearing in mind that each of us bear our crosses in our own way, and some are more able to get over their past than others, and that your sisters would draw their own conclusions from what she says. At the same time though, I would 'prep' your mum to opening up to your sisters as she did with you.

caeler

I think it is very personal and if you suggest your sisters all had different but equally as distressing experiences - it might not be all that simple. By all means try but don't take it too personal if things don't resolve themselves quickly. You might have to accept the situation, even if you have forgiven your mum.

lostinrates

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

How about a conversation with sister along the lines of "I had a chat with Mum a little while back and she disclosed things to me which put a lot of what happened to us in the past in context. I don't feel quite so angry and hurt about it all now because I understand things better. What don't you have a talk with Mum yourself?"


Your mother must feel terribly guilty about having failed you in not protecting you and your feelings. But bridges to understanding can be built if all are willing

I think that's a good idea BUT I also think, depending on the sibling relationship it could be more divisive. I know if I said such a thing to my sibling it would start a 'she lives you more than me' drama because I was told stuff, and I would be harangued mercilessly to go into more detail.

Person_one

I would tell your sister about your chat with your mum, and about how its made you feel better and more able to be civil/friendly with her, but I definitely wouldn't suggest that you tell her to do the same, or say anything that could be interpreted as making excuses/allowances for your mum's behaviour.

I understand the impulse, and I know you have good intentions, but your sister's relationship with her mum is between them and only them. If your sister doesn't want to forgive her then that's her right and her decision. Remember that one woman can be a very different mother to each of her children!

It might be very hard for your sister to see you suddenly getting on so well with mum. For years you've been on the same 'side' and now that seems to have changed. I'd concentrate on your own relationship with each of them as individuals and leave their relationship with each other to them.