Advice appreciated

skint_sausage

Thanks guys

cottage_retreatist

:hello: Phew skint sausage! welcome to MSE!

That was quite some first post!! and it raised quite a few red flags for me reading through it. Am I right in thinking that apart from the overdraft of relatively low 600 debt - the rest of the debt is your mums?

I think if she isn't receptive you won't be able to help her - if she can only just pay her mortgage with her earnings she's either bought a house she can't afford or she isn't working as much as she used to be?

Maybe sit her down. You two together need to go through a Statement of Affairs (shows your incomings and outgoings) - maybe do it together if you want or just your mum - although it sounds like it'll be quite a shock! - http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Once you've done that - with your mums permission you could post it on here and the lovely people could give you some advice - also this might show your mum she can't keep up with the joneses like she wants to? It will be difficult so it's lovely you're there to support her. But i'd go slow and not take too much of this on yourself. Unless she is actually incapable of managing her own money this should be her journey not yours otherwise you'll help her clear the debt and she'll run it up again.

Good luck
C-R xx

sourcrates

Hi, have to agree with the cottage dweller !! that was some first post, am guessing your mum is probably a little bit like mine was, wanting to do her best for her kids whilst juggling every other bill as well, a SOA`s will give us a better idea where the money is going and what you/she can possibly cut back on, maybe restructure payments etc and find a possible path out of this spiral.

Mara_uk7

Do you pay rent or keep to your mum ? Its up to her to get herself out of this rut, Its admirable that youre wanting to help, but you are young, You should be having a life for yourself, saving for your own place etc .. She needs professional help, not having you bail her out and leave yourself short the whole time. Why not persuade her to talk to stepchange or the local CAB ?
Unless you get her the help she needs, you will be there bailing her out forever. Sorry if you think Im being hard, I know its hard to say no to someone you love, but if you dont, you will never get anywhere yourself.

Good Luck hun

cottage_retreatist

good on ya skint sausage!!!

your ma must be very proud of you! Do post it up if she's ok with that! Hopefully we can give you some pointers - good luck!

C-R x

19lottie82

Hi OP - Can I ask why you don't pay rent or contribute towards the bills? You say you pay for a car loan, who uses the car?

You say she "leans on you" for help with things like food and electricity, but you should be paying this anyway!

You're in your 20s and have a job. You should be paying your Mum rent + half of all the bills.

Why are YOU so skint and using an overdraft if you work full time but don't pay any bills?

Maybe after you've worked out an SOA with your Mum, you could suggest paying this amount towards her debts to help her out.

dancingfairy

It sounds a right mess to be honest, and it will be very difficult to say no to your mother
What might help is if you go through your mums bills (and yours) and work out a fair share for you to contribute each month and set up a standing order for that to her each month (and then say no, that's it) or agree certain bills you will pay but again refuse to pay any more.
You sound quite switched on with it all, it sounds like the biggest problem is your mum and her springing bills on you (And you not being able to say no).
df

dancingfairy

IF she wants to pay for an expensive wedding or baby item then She should sort out how to pay for it.
You need to go through the budget and get her to put away 50 a month for baby things/weddings etc and if she can't afford that then she can't afford to buy the baby things anyway. Also she needs to set a limit as in, I'm willing to spend 200 on a pram or give you 200 towards a pram but I will not spend 500.
df

matttye

skint_sausage wrote: »

The big debt/mortgage add-ons are because my father brought debts into the marriage (:wall:) and when he left, funnily enough he didn't take them with him. So he suggested mum find a better paid job as a parting note!

Is it a joint mortgage? I.e. are your mum and dad both named on the mortgage?

If he brought debts with him, presumably they're in his name only. I don't see why your mum should pay these. They're his responsibility.

Unless I'm missing something..

Your mum needs to be honest with herself, honest with you and honest with the rest of your family. Together you should go through the statement of affairs and work out everything. She clearly can't afford to be buying £500 prams when she's in £60k of debt.

matttye

skint_sausage wrote: »

matttye - It was a joint mortgage, but as my parents have separated (as of 13yrs) the mortgage is now under mum's name. Dad left the mess, and he's not a part of the equation any more.

His debts were slapped onto the mortgage, so when he left, they were still unpaid and still on the mortgage. We're not of the mind to call him up on his debts because it has been so long now and we're not the type of people to start raking through the past.

The honesty thing, its's only mum and I (and all of you lol) who know about this and we're not planning on telling the family because everybody has their own issues to deal with without making the rest of the family feel guilty for not noticing.

Thanks that clarifies a few things.

I wasn't suggesting she tells all to the entire family, but just to be honest and say she can't afford certain things rather than trying to help out. She doesn't have to say why she can't afford them, just that she can't. Or simply not offering to help out might be enough - if the family don't ask for things.

This debt will only get worse if she doesn't take it seriously and stop spending money on things she can't afford.

I think the Statement of Affairs is a great first step to working out some semblance of a budget.

skint_sausage wrote: »

Mum would have been able to pay for the car under her own name because she was in a financial position to do so (I hear you scoff...!). I can't remember what it was, but something stupid happened where something listed her as being in arrears when she wasn't - so that put a black mark on her credit rating that - for reasons I don't understand - can't be unwritten, even though it wasn't actually a problem in the first place.
Poor credit rating = no car for her.

This is completely incorrect and she's been badly advised. Data controllers are duty bound to remove any inaccuracies that they store. In other words you are legally entitled to have any false information on your credit report removed or corrected.

I appreciate this may not help a great deal now.. I'm merely pointing it out in case a similar situation crops up in the future.

CFC

Skint sausage

You aren't going to like, I think, what I am going to say.

You are in your 20's and should be focussing on your current situation and on the future. Instead, you are being tangled into your mother's mess. You need to untangle yourself and be a bit tough. Your mother may not have brought the entire debt on herself but by the sounds of it she probably helped. I can guarantee you are not being told the whole story, and you also can see exactly how your mother is with money.

You on the other hand have nothing to do with this debt. You and your mother both need to learn 'boundaries'.

Work out a fair amount of keep and that is the budget you should give her. If there are two of you living there, basee it on half the bills plus a bit extra. Give it to her. When that's gone, it's gone. Simply say you don't have any more money left to give. You absolutely MUST untangle what is hers and what is yours. It is not healthy to have 'joint finances' in practice with your mother.

The car is shared so doesn't come into the picture in terms of keep. She's paying the insurance, that doesn't mean she owns any part of the car, or is paying towards it - she isn't. She's just paying a share of what it costs to run it for the current year.

She needs to learn to cope herself, or are you going to be living with her when you're 60 in order to 'help her cope'?

You really might be better considering moving out and having your own place. I worry about your situation in 10 years. It would be a shame to throw away your youth and your chances at a family and place of your own just to help your mum out when she doesn't even help herself.