Lost and confused.

Topher81

Hi I'm not really sure how to explain this but will give it a go.

Ok well I am a 32 year old male and I have had a pretty rubbish last couple of years been off sick with work related stress (Back now but no longer enjoy it.) My wife and I have been struggling for a while and argueing a fair bit no intimacy that sort of thing but the last few weeks I have felt that we have been more house mates than a married couple with her plugged into her phone nearly every night unless it is something she wants to watch on the TV, but once its over she is back to her phone, This came to a head on Wednesday night and I basically told her I couldn't live like this any more we obviously had a fight about this where nothing was resolved.
The next day she said that she she's us as friends and thinks we should have a break from each other I still love her so found that hard to take, but on top of that we can't really have a proper break from each other as our finances are very closely linked together so I am currently sleeping in the spare room but I am worried she will begin to resent me even more as I said above I still love her, But if she is no longer in love with me I feel their is not much more I can do but don't want to lose her completely but feel being stuck in the same house is only making things worse.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation and any advice that could help would be great I kinda feel like finding a quiet place out of the way taking a seat and never getting up again (but I know that won't solve anything).

marisco_2

You two seem to have drifted apart and have little connection to each other any more. Have you tried approaching your wife and explaining how it makes you feel, when she prefers to be plugged into her phone or watching TV, rather than spending quality time with you? Are there times when you are emotionally unavailable to her, or could appear to be? If you don't address the issues in your relationship it could lead to increasing feelings of loneliness, disconnection and resentment. The longer this goes on the harder it is to resolve things.

Initiate a really open and honest chat between you both and talk things through. One or both of you may have some feelings of rejection and may be hesitant to talk but try to overcome this. Be really honest with each other about your feelings and needs and see if you can come to agreement to take time every day from now on to connect with each other. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle on the sofa, compliment each other, laugh. Have a go at rekindling all those coupley things you most likely enjoyed when you first got together. Work on improving your communication and share what is going on with each of you. Maybe consider setting aside a date night every week and just enjoy each others company. This is all part of having an emotionally intimate connection with someone.

It is not for everyone but could couple counselling through somewhere like Relate be of benefit? I hope you can sort things out between you both.

ciderwithrosie_2

What were you like when you were off work with stress? Has your wife had to learn to manage for herself? Keep her feelings to herself because your problems was greater?

I only ask as my husband was off sick for a year once, a definite diagnosis couldn't be made and he basically had a headache and vertigo. He lay on the sofa watching TV and drinking cider, whilst I went to work, brought up 3 kids and managed all the finances and housework. His doctor put him on Anti-Ds in the end to help him get back to work.

It put a huge strain on our marriage. Whilst it was frustrating for him to not know what was wrong and if he'd ever feel right again, it was bloody hard for me too. Maybe your wife feels she's been on her own for a good while, maybe she doesn't see you as the same man she married.

Some frank discussions needed where you listen and take on board how she felt and feels now, as all I'm getting from your post is how she's at fault.

Yorkie1

I agree with the suggestion that counselling through Relate might be worth exploring.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

move out into a little place of your own. Your still young enough to start over.

Topher81

I apologise if my post appears to be assigning fault to my OH that was not my intention we both have as much blame as each other in our current situation, me being off with stress was hard on her I am not disputing that. Thank you for the responses though they are helping me to put my heart and mind on the same track and possibly a starting point for us to begin opening up to each other.

fake_smile

I was in a relationship a few years back where we had started to become like house mates/friends. I never wanted sexual contact - it felt wrong. You may still love her but ask yourself if you are really in love with her, there's a big difference.

We ended things and it was hard because we were so used to being together. We still love each other and have remained friends but it hasn't been easy going.

Life is too short to stay with someone because it's comfortable. I think once you have reached this stage where you are more like friends there is very little you can do to change that.

[Deleted User]

fake_smile wrote: »

I was in a relationship a few years back where we had started to become like house mates/friends. I never wanted sexual contact - it felt wrong. You may still love her but ask yourself if you are really in love with her, there's a big difference.

We ended things and it was hard because we were so used to being together. We still love each other and have remained friends but it hasn't been easy going.

Life is too short to stay with someone because it's comfortable. I think once you have reached this stage where you are more like friends there is very little you can do to change that.

Excellently put!!! This ^^^^^^^ is the most sensible thing I have heard for a very long time.

I think this is exactly how my husband felt about me, prompting him to end our marriage last year. It takes guts but you have to do what is right and I do respect his decision even though it hurts like hell still.

petrol-head

Deleted_User wrote: »

Excellently put!!! This ^^^^^^^ is the most sensible thing I have heard for a very long time.

I think this is exactly how my husband felt about me, prompting him to end our marriage last year. It takes guts but you have to do what is right and I do respect his decision even though it hurts like hell still.

+1 I was the same with my ex after a number of years, we had become nothing more than friends but then I actually started to resent him and the friendship even began to turn sour. a few years later im now with a wonderful man and I know what love actually is

System

..........