Holiday plans/ Grandmothers death

hellies

Sorry MSEers, this may be a long one!
My grandmother died this evening after 10+ years of alzheimers disease. She was always very close to her daughters and grandchildren when she was well, but as anyone with experience of alzheimers disease will know, over the past few years she has become increasingly difficult to communicate with and although we have all visited her regularly, and enjoyed seeing her, we actually lost our 'nan' many years ago. Her death was not sudden or unexpected, and I visited earlier in the week to say my goodbyes.
The problem is that both my sister and I have booked a two week holiday and we leave on wednesday morning, we are going on a long haul holiday with our other halfs and our kids. The holiday was pretty expensive and is really a once in a lifetime opportunity, we have saved hard to do it and it is obviously now fully paid and we have made all of our plans ie, taken the time off work, taken children out of childcare etc. My mum thinks that the funeral will more than likely be whilst we are away, although she obviously hasn't began any arrangements yet. I am unsure how quickly funerals can be organised, I know the norm is a week. I know that there is no way nan would want us to miss the holiday (she always had a thing about 'not being a burden to anybody'!!), but I also feel very strongly that I dont want to miss her funeral for my chance to say goodbye and to support my mum and rest of the family. What I really want advice on is
- How easy/expensive would it be for me and my sister to fly out a day or two later (we are flying with BA)?
- Would it be possible for the funeral to wait until we return?
- Would it be possible for the funeral to be organised by and held on tuesday, given the circumstances and that there probablywill not be a huge amount of people going?
- Am I likely to get over the guilt of not going?
- Will other people feel bad of us for not going?
- What would you do?

Smashing

Delaying your flight seems the easiest option, but each fare type has conditions attached which might include it being restricted, non-upgradeable or non-refundable. Generally the lower the fare the more restrictions there are, but you should be able to see if you can ammend your booking by following this link.

The date of a funeral can't be finalised until after the death has been registered. I think it is unlikely to be arranged by Tuesday, considering it's a weekend.

What would I do? Try to ammend the flight. If they have people on standby waiting you may also want to consider cancelling the flight and rebooking it, but this is obviously risky.
I didn't attend one of my Grandmother's funerals, but that was because it was a fair distance and we weren't at all close. My other Grandmother's funeral I wouldn't have missed for the world so it really is a personal decision.

poppyscorner

firstly I m really sorry for your loss at least she doesnt have to suffer the indignity of that awfull illness anymore which should provide some strange kind of comfort.
not sure about the flights but my hubbys gran died 4 days before we were due to go to the dom rep to get married and his mum and dad were coming with us the funeral got organised and held the day before we went away BUT that was death monday funeral thursday her death was also expected and no post mortem or anything to hold it up HOWEVER I would say MIL and hubby were washed out on holiday and although we enjoyed the wedding the whole holiday was tinged with sadness they needed the holiday to wind down and come to terms with things but did they enjoy it I'm not certain they did.
Don't know about the guilt that is a question only you can answer I would say that as you said you goodbyes earlier this week the question is more likely to be could you leave your mum to do it alone as for that I don't know if I could do you have other siblings or is there just you and your sister?
Other people may well critiscise you but I wouldn't give that a thought it is what works for you and your family really.
Has your mum said anything about you going or not ?

Whatever happens I wish you and your family the best and you have my most sincere condolences

Poppy

hellies

Thanks for your help guys, i will probably phone BA in morning and see where we stand with delaying the flight. Do you usually have to pay to change flights, the tickets were not particularly cheap or on offer?

My mum has said that she thinks it will be whilst we are away but obviously that is just an educated guess at this stage. She has not and would never dream of making us feel guilty whatever we decide, shes too nice! The death wont be registered until monday I guess as its a weekend, so tuesday will definately be too soon. My mum will have her sister and nieces there, and my dad and my other grandma. The funeral will be a quiet affair, my nan was the last of her brothers and sisters, her husband died a long time ago, and her friends are all dead too, she was in her 90s and had outlived everyone she knew her own age.

I know I will feel awful if I dont go, but will also feel terrible for kids and ohs if we cancel the holiday? I know if we go to the funeral and then on holiday it will not put a black cloud over anything, she would have wanted us to have a good time and make it great for the kids, she doted on her great grandchildren, despite her illness and only really communicated with us when they were around. But I know if I dont go to the funeral it will be on my mind all holiday. My grandad on the other side died almost identically 20 months ago and I felt much better about it after the funeral, so really want to go to my nans.

Thank you for your help, it has been really helpful.

melancholly

so sorry for your loss....

when my grandmother died, it was a good few weeks before the 'funeral' - it was actually a cremation followed by a church service. it took that long to be able to allow relations to make arrangements to come and to get 'a good time' for both events - my mum didn't want it to be first thing in the morning so that people would struggle to travel, or too late so that people would leave rather than stay and talk. it was then a lot longer before the final burial (i.e. a year!). essentially, i think that two weeks delay isn't a problem in theory - it's more about whether or not it's better for those closest to your nan to have it sooner to give closure.

Redbedhead

If you speak to the funeral director they can probably arrange the funeral for when you return if before is not an option. We are having to do this because my Dad is going on holiday and doesn't want the funeral before because it will interfere with his holiday preparation:rolleyes:

Justie

sorry for your loss

the funeral can easily be delayed with minimal costs but it's whether the rest of the family want to wait. You can move the flights but unless the funeral is going to be within a day or so of when you were going to fly then you'd lose quite a bit of holiday. It's also possible to arrange a funeral pretty quickly but as it's the weekend it'd be more difficult and you wouldn't know if it could be done probably before Monday. It may be worth speaking to the funeral directors though and seeing what the options are.

ailuro2

Can you send the OHs and kids off and meet up with them a couple of days late?

Phone BA and explain the circumstances,their customer service can be pretty good.

Check holiday insurance to see if it is covered, although I'm doubtful it will be.

Lilycat

Hi

Sorry to hear of your loss - went through the same several years ago...its one of the hardest things watching what this awful illness does.

I would definately ring BA - certainly some airlines will change flights free of charge in these circumstances..may just want a copy of the death cert.


Good Luck

Lilycat

Josie_Jump_3

My condolences, we lost my gran to this awful disease last Thursday & her funeral is arranged for Monday. Personally I would see if you could delay your holiday, it doesn't seem right to me that a funeral be delayed for a family member to take a holiday first.

silvercar

If you can't make it to the funeral why don't you plan a memorial day for a month's time?