Advice please for 16 year old left education

dktreesea

Witchfinder_General wrote: »

Hmmmm. I joined the Royal Navy 2 days after my 16th Birthday and have supported myself ever since - going in to my 36th year of continous employment.

Tell you what though, why don't you blame someone else for the daughters attitude. That's what everyone else seems to do.

I honestly wish I had a say in where my taxes were spent.

Do you seriously think nowadays everyone who applies for the Armed Forces gets in? Not on your life. They are super choosy about who they offer jobs to nowadays.

dktreesea

susiewuzy wrote: »

My daughter finally managed to get herself an apprenticeship and started at the beginning of December. Within three days she had been sacked (apparently she took a silly argument with her friend into work) I was so annoyed and upset with her, as it was a really good opportunity, and it seemed to be what she wanted.

Oh for goodness sake! I'm losing patience with you. How about you get off your wee daughter's back for a while? You were "so annoyed and upset" with her??!! :mad: It's NOT about you. Don't you get it? Who cares what you want for your daughter?! How about what she wants? And yes, maybe she wants a couple of years off, just to go out and enjoy herself, without the pressures of life and education crowding in on her. Some 16 year olds have young, immature minds. They just need time.

You think cutting her pocket money is the answer? Good luck with that approach. She'll be depressed long before you realise the error of your ways. Depressing your daughter by denying her any life at all, keeping her a complete pauper, isn't the answer, is it!

It sounds to me that you have tried to control your daughter's life and outcomes for so long she doesn't know whether she is coming or going. On behalf of all 16 year olds with over-concerned over-controlling parents leave her alone! In case you missed something, your daughter is not responding very well to your efforts to control her life.

When our children were growing up we did as our parents did - praised the good behaviour and ignored the bad. Maybe you should try the same for a change.

susiewuzy

I appreciate your view, and I can see reading back what I have written that it might seem that way, but the apprenticeship she lost, WAS what my daughter wanted. And so yes, I was annoyed and upset with her, and rightly so! She has done nothing since leaving school last summer, sleeps in bed all day etc.. I don't mind what she does, job, school, college, I will support her, as long as she tries!!! I don't think that's too much to ask. As for making her a pauper! I don't think so. She has a nice house, nice things, clothes etc, and will not starve!... I just will not give her spending money while she does nothing. If I did that, she would have zero motivation to try this work experience this week. And she chose this work experience, not me.

dktreesea

susiewuzy wrote: »

I appreciate your view, and I can see reading back what I have written that it might seem that way, but the apprenticeship she lost, WAS what my daughter wanted. And so yes, I was annoyed and upset with her, and rightly so! She has done nothing since leaving school last summer, sleeps in bed all day etc.. I don't mind what she does, job, school, college, I will support her, as long as she tries!!! I don't think that's too much to ask. As for making her a pauper! I don't think so. She has a nice house, nice things, clothes etc, and will not starve!... I just will not give her spending money while she does nothing. If I did that, she would have zero motivation to try this work experience this week. And she chose this work experience, not me.

So your take on why she chose the work experience was because you refuse to give her any pocket money?

It would do her a lot better to be out with her friends enjoying herself, rather than moping around the house, depressed and out of sorts, because you have decided that the best way to control her behaviour is refusing her any income, so therefore any choice at all of how she spends her time.

She doesn't need the things that you put so much stress on what you are providing for her. She needs the company of positive people, preferably her peers, offering her positive reinforcement.

If she were with her peers more and away from your influence, maybe she would experience some more positive approaches to life by her peers and be influenced by them. My own DD, for example, would not have had the confidence to learn to drive had it not been, imho, for the influence of her similarly aged friends who already know how to drive encouraging her to make the time and effort investment to learn how to drive. Certainly nothing I or her father said along those lines were sufficient to get her to go for lessons.

As for the apprenticeship, maybe it was what your daughter thought she wanted, but having started it, she realised she had made a mistake? Not everyone has the mental strength to put up with enduring a couple of years of being treated like a dogsbody under the guise of learning something. I can't believe you are so quick to blame her for being sacked. Maybe she didn't have the right "slave" attitude for her employers!

How about you try holding onto your criticism of your daughter and confine yourself to being nice to her and offering her emotional support, including funding her to go out with her firends, instead? It sounds like she needs a break from someone who will only be satisfied if she (your words) "tries school, college or a job". If you're not satisfied with her, how about keeping it to yourself! 16 year olds, especially those who have dropped out of education, have enough pressurer on them without you adding to it.

DKLS

My nephew was going through something similar and daft as it sounds showing him a number of jobsites and selecting a variety of jobs, graduate jobs, CEO, NMW jobs, we looked at any that were vaguely connected with his interests.


I also told him that in all my career I can count on one hand the people who I have met who genuinely love what they do, for the majority of us work can be terminally dull, repetitive, oppressive, stressful, full of politics, where fairness is a myth and sometimes downright unpleasant and I can count myself lucky that I love parts of my job, the rest is faffy stressful and political.


That really helped steer his thinking, a lot of his pre-conceptions about jobs, what skills were needed and especially salaries were an eye opener to him.


But what ultimately gave him a shove was his peers, they were meeting new friends at college, were planning holidays with their new mates and more importantly were learning to drive and driving. apparently being the first to pass your test amongst your friends is still a big deal and improves your leg-over opportunities no end.


He is now in 2nd year of A-levels and has a part time job making pizza's at a supermarket, has a driving licence and is restoring a Mk1 Fiesta not bad for someone whose hands were welded to a xbox pad.

susiewuzy

dktreesea wrote: »

So your take on why she chose the work experience was because you refuse to give her any pocket money?

It would do her a lot better to be out with her friends enjoying herself, rather than moping around the house, depressed and out of sorts, because you have decided that the best way to control her behaviour is refusing her any income, so therefore any choice at all of how she spends her time.

She doesn't need the things that you put so much stress on what you are providing for her. She needs the company of positive people, preferably her peers, offering her positive reinforcement.

If she were with her peers more and away from your influence, maybe she would experience some more positive approaches to life by her peers and be influenced by them. My own DD, for example, would not have had the confidence to learn to drive had it not been, imho, for the influence of her similarly aged friends who already know how to drive encouraging her to make the time and effort investment to learn how to drive. Certainly nothing I or her father said along those lines were sufficient to get her to go for lessons.

As for the apprenticeship, maybe it was what your daughter thought she wanted, but having started it, she realised she had made a mistake? Not everyone has the mental strength to put up with enduring a couple of years of being treated like a dogsbody under the guise of learning something. I can't believe you are so quick to blame her for being sacked. Maybe she didn't have the right "slave" attitude for her employers!

How about you try holding onto your criticism of your daughter and confine yourself to being nice to her and offering her emotional support, including funding her to go out with her firends, instead? It sounds like she needs a break from someone who will only be satisfied if she (your words) "tries school, college or a job". If you're not satisfied with her, how about keeping it to yourself! 16 year olds, especially those who have dropped out of education, have enough pressurer on them without you adding to it.

I don't pretend to be the best parent in the world. Obviously I have made mistakes, and I didn't post this topic expecting everyone to say I was doing everything right! I just don't understand where you are coming from. You don't know me, yet you read an awful lot into my posts that just isn't there. You're right, I give my daughter no pocket anymore, but she has all she needs. She has friends, and a boyfriend, she goes out every day with after he has finished school. He is doing his A levels, and has a part time job. He says she is lazy, and at weekends he is often knocking on my door asking if he can go wake her! He pays for her to go bowling/cinema/McDonalds, and she is quite happy for him to do that. He is always encouraging her to apply for apprenticeships, and that he will help her. He went to the college evening class with her for morale support. She has good influences! Her friends come here a lot, and my daughter and I actually get on quite well. I just can't see why anyone would think letting her do nothing, will be of any benefit to her in the future! Already any prospective employer is going to want to know what she's done since leaving school, and that part of the application form is blank. The longer she does nothing the situation is not going to get any easier for her.


I also don't spend every minute of the day criticizing her, and when I said I was annoyed and upset with her for losing that job, those were my personal feelings. I did say, 'I'm sorry, that's a shame' but that's it. I didn't make her feel bad! I am allowed to feel upset. (I think it's frustration more than anything)But I agree with your point, that she may have thought it was what she wanted, but after trying it, it wasn't. She is only 16, and I do remember being 16 myself.

susiewuzy

DKLS wrote: »

My nephew was going through something similar and daft as it sounds showing him a number of jobsites and selecting a variety of jobs, graduate jobs, CEO, NMW jobs, we looked at any that were vaguely connected with his interests.


I also told him that in all my career I can count on one hand the people who I have met who genuinely love what they do, for the majority of us work can be terminally dull, repetitive, oppressive, stressful, full of politics, where fairness is a myth and sometimes downright unpleasant and I can count myself lucky that I love parts of my job, the rest is faffy stressful and political.


That really helped steer his thinking, a lot of his pre-conceptions about jobs, what skills were needed and especially salaries were an eye opener to him.


But what ultimately gave him a shove was his peers, they were meeting new friends at college, were planning holidays with their new mates and more importantly were learning to drive and driving. apparently being the first to pass your test amongst your friends is still a big deal and improves your leg-over opportunities no end.


He is now in 2nd year of A-levels and has a part time job making pizza's at a supermarket, has a driving licence and is restoring a Mk1 Fiesta not bad for someone whose hands were welded to a xbox pad.

This is good to hear! Most of her friends aren't old enough to drive or earning enough money for holidays yet, but it will come, and hopefully will give her a push!


On a positive note, she has done her third day of work experience at the crèche and she says she really likes it. It's quite relaxed, with a lot of young people working there, so a lot less formal than the previous job. She thinks they might offer her a job at the end of the week, and possibly some training or an apprenticeship. If it happens, then great! If not, it's not a wasted experience, as she's got out of bed this morning and found something she enjoys. At least it might be a direction for her to pursue.

szam_

I went through something a bit similar nearly 10 years ago.

I was going to college, wanted to learn programming. Got disillusioned by the amount of "business" we were learning, instead of how to create software. What killed it for me is that I was struggling to get to college on £30 a week, my mother wouldn't help with any money at all, so £30 was spent entirely on buses (2 companies to get there) and I couldn't afford to eat all day.

She kicked me out a month after my 17th because I wanted an apprenticeship, and she wanted me to get a job so she could take a portion of my wage, we didn't speak for 7 years after that.

Ended up staying with a friend and his parents who really took me in, I had terrible social skills, no real interests, no self-confidence.

I believe that chapter of my life turned it all round for me. I started playing the guitar (later moved on to Drums, Bass, Keyboard and studio work). I started gaming at a semi-pro (not paid profession like you can do these days, but qualifying and competing in cash prize online tournaments with some great opponents) and co-led a clan in a group of people from all over the world.

I volunteered for a local gaming initiative in my area doing the IT side, building networks, scoring sheets etc.

I also got a part time job, granted I hated it and left after 18 months because I had no idea where I wanted to go with my life, I was seriously looking in to the Army at one point.

Between the ages of 17 and 21 is when I really discovered myself, who I am, what I enjoy and what I'd like to do long term. I tried things, I stuck at things I enjoyed, learning what should be hobby and what I can do professionally.

I'm recently 26, been in IT full time for around 4 years (give or take, including redundancy twice) and I'm now doing really well for myself. It beats listening to some people I know who rushed into College or Uni thinking they know what they want to do, only to turn around and decide it's not what they want to do and now hate their work or the fact that they cannot get in to the line of work they discovered they wanted to do 10 years later. I'm glad I had the ability to really find myself, enjoy myself for a while, whilst doing some part time work, otherwise I'd probably be on the unemployed scrapheap with no direction.

My advice would be that 16 is still quite young. It's pretty much fresh out of school. Don't push her in to rash decisions, let her explore new things, like music, hobbies etc.. obviously, try and include something part time in that eventually, perhaps she lacks in confidence?

Most of all, support her in her decisions, part of finding out who she is, will be poking at new things. This is just my opinion anyway. You don't have to go to College or Uni to do well. I have a number of friends who have done very well, without needing to finish college; more than those that finished college and Uni anyway.

EndlessStruggle

Putting another option out there. Does your local college run a Princes Trust Team programme?

http://www.princes-trust.org.uk/need_help/courses/team.aspx

They are 12 weeks long and are a kind of engagement programme, the students learn and prepare for education and/or employment. They do a variety of fundraising projects in the community, job searching and go on a weeks residential. They get a qualification at the end and it seems beneficial to a lot of the youngsters we see go through the programme. Plus the commitment to the course would look good for a 2014 application.