What's going on.. Need to get it off my chest!

Justdontknow

Been a member for years but have set up a new user name as I don't want this linking to my normal user name as DH knows that.

I'm really feeling sad and fed up at the moment and hoping that by getting my thoughts down it might help so please bear with me.

Background is DH and I have been together over 20 years and have 3 children. I was 18 when our first child was born and husband is 8years older. We meet, fell in love,have our own home, good jobs,holidays and very well rounded children. We've also had a great loving relationship , we get on well , have a laugh and until recently only really niggled, not argued and it's blown over within 1/2 an hour.

So here's my problem,we aren't talking really since we had a big argument on Saturday. He said some really hurtful things and I can't bring myself to speak to him, when I do , like if it's about picking one of the kids up he comes out with a really nasty reply.

Our argument came about as I was talking to someone about the fact I'd found out I was pregnant 2 days before my 18th birthday. When I came in he said 'I wish you wouldn't tell people how young you were ' I was like why?? It's the truth and he says I should be ashamed my myself.. To cut a very very long story short he basically wants me to keep quiet and not tell people how old we were when we had kids as he doesn't want people to judge him as he was so much older , he has a more responsible job now and he thinks people will think badly of him if they found out and if it was our daughter that was me he wouldn't allow it to happen and I should be ashamed of myself not proud of what I've achieved. As it happens I an extremely proud of what we have (had??) , I'm proud that even though being a teen mum you get people judging you from the start, I've kept my head high and I've given my children everything they could possibly want (emotionally-not spoilt). Our children have never caused us any problems, never arrived home drunk, have total respect for people and are bl@@dy good kids. Why should I be ashamed of what we've achieved??

I'm really really hurt that after all these years it's all of a sudden become an issue. We have been having problems for a few months but nothing as serious as this , more niggles than anything but I'm wondering if this is the root of our problems.

As I say I can't speak to him as I'm so hurt but when I do he is being quite nasty and sarcastic. An example is if I get upset about it all he says stop f'ing crying it's boring or if I bring up what he says he tells me to shut my big fat f'ing mouth , then he keeps calling me a fat lazy c**t if I haven't done the housework ... Yes I am fat, I know that , and I know he doesn't find that attractive but I'm so fed up I eat more despite getting u and saying today is the day! Plus if I complain about it, I get told you know where the door is, no ones keeping you here.

I don't really know what I expect from writing this post but I suppose it's helped just getting it off my chest

ecgirl07

You were 17 he was 25 when you made a baby - nothing illegal in it but in light of recent revelations in tabloid world you can understand his unease......

browneyedbazzi

I really don't understand why he thinks you should be ashamed - other than that he's ashamed of his behaviour and it's easier to project that on to you than for him to accept and deal with his own issues.

Given all the media coverage lately about historical cases of child sexual abuse he may feel ashamed that as an adult man he got into a relationship with someone so young. He might be quite worried about what people will think about him if they find out.

The bottom line for me would be that he needs to be told that his behaviour is unacceptable and that if he can't behave better he also knows where the door is.

System

Hes obviously uncomfortable with the fact as an older man, he got you pregnant at 18. A few years ago it wouldn't of mattered but these days its frowned upon because of all this sexual abuse coverage with minors. At 18 I think he's being a bit sensitive but it wouldn't hurt you to bend a little.

In my relationship i'm quite proud that ive had 5 children. Hubby tends to pick up on other peoples negativity (usually stuff like 'don't you have a telly?) and he's not so at ease with it.

He's bullying you so stand up to him.

Wickedkitten

You should be ashamed? He's the !!!!!!!! that got you pregnant in the first place!

paddy's_mum

I suspect that he is full of resentment because you have chosen to ignore his request to respect the privacy of intimate family details, no matter how truthful those details might be.

Just because you don't see anything wrong with telling 'someone' (who - a very close relative or a trusted friend of many years standing or just the woman who lives four doors up?) doesn't mean that you have the right to 'reveal the truth' while riding rough-shod over his view, opinion or feelings. You don't for one moment appreciate his comments about your weight even though he too is only stating the facts.

All families have secrets that they'd rather were kept from the world - or at least not revealed to all and sundry on a regular basis - and if my husband were to broadcast my family secrets despite my asking him to keep our business private, I would view it as highly disloyal. It's not just his information but mine too and I consider I am entitled to have my view recognised and respected.

I might be a million miles wide of the mark but I suspect that his verbal attacks on you are based on his frustration, anger and contempt for your contempt for his desire to keep private things private. Is there anything else has he asked you to consider that you have chosen to disregard?

Hope that things simmer down soon. Good luck.

marisco_2

There is only one person who ought to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and their conduct OP, and it isn't you. What kind of man refers to his wife and the mother of his children in such derogatory terms, leaves her feeling unable to talk to him and tells her she knows where the door is as if she is no longer needed or wanted. To make references to your appearance the way he has is cruel. Please pay no heed to that and don't let it knock your confidence or self-esteem. Your husband appears to suddenly have developed issues over the life you share with him and is worried about how other people will view him. All the while behaving like an aggressive bully toward you, the one person whose opinion and regard of him should matter the most to him. He needs to sort out his priorities.

I really feel for you as the atmosphere in your home, the one place where you should be able to feel most relaxed and at ease, must be awful right now. You kids will be picking up on all this too. As difficult as it may be you two are going to have to sort this out. If he continues to be so verbally abusive and refuses to talk to you in a civil manner, then maybe counselling may be the way forward. I am very sorry you are going through such a hard time and hope you will be okay. Keep that head held high, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

irishjohn

You are talking to the wrong people - you need to stop sulking and talk to him, and he needs to stop with the insults.

If this is the first time in 20 yrs you and he have let a row hang about for 7 days then there is an underlying problem, maybe even that the marriage is over in his mind or yours. If it is then all the advice in the world on here won't help. What will help is for one of you to be a grown up and initiate a mature adult line of communication to analyse why you are both sulking and flinging insults - and whether that's what you want from now on. If it isn't then you and he need to negotiate what you want and what compromises you are willing to make or not make. Then get on with what you decide. Don't waste time or emotional energy getting loads of feedback on here and emotional support from strangers. Get on with sorting out your lives before its too late to reach agreement.

z.n

So sorry you are going through this. If it is unusual for him to speak to you like this then I think there is something more fundamental going on in your relationship- more than just the age you got pregnant (which wasn't so unusual at the time and clearly was not an 'inappropriate' relationship as you are still together as a family so many years later.) There is no way he should be talking to you in such derogatory terms and you need to tell him so in a way that clearly draws a line. He needs to explain what has got so out of control- it could be money worries you don't know about, insecurity at work, health worry- anything really that he is allowing to fester because he can't let it out. It could be something easily sorted but he has got in an emotional tangle about it-or something serious. You won't know until you ask! Be prepared to calmly coax it out of him.

daisiegg

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You should be ashamed? He's the !!!!!!!! that got you pregnant in the first place!

Errr, she has not claimed that he raped her. It takes two people to make a baby.

ETA - I don't mean to say that the OP should be ashamed; I don't think either of them should be. But I also don't agree with the statement that her husband is a whatever !!!!!! is and that he should be blamed because he 'got her pregnant'.

peachyprice

Wickedkitten wrote: »

You should be ashamed? He's the !!!!!!!! that got you pregnant in the first place!

There you go OP, this is why he doesn't want you to tell people.

The world is a different place than it was when your were 17/18, men are now tarnished with the ped0 brush over something that was perfectly acceptable at the time, and still is in reality, but all the media hype over these celebrities being investigated for sex with young girls had made alot of people stop and think that they were no different at the time.