What's going on.. Need to get it off my chest!

sassyblue

I don't understand his way of thinking, regardless of what's going on in the media you were above the age of consent by two years when you gave birth. You've stayed together and had more children so as an outsider looking in l would say you clearly loved each other.

Has someone perhaps made a comment to him without your knowledge that's upset him?

In any case it's time to ask what HIS problem REALLY is, and the abuse has to stop immediately....

tea_lover

If people see you and your children they're going to know (give or take a bit) how old you were anyway. He seems to be over-sensitive about this one (non) issue, but tbh I'd be more concerned about the way he speaks to you. That is not on.

Birdie85

paddy's_mum wrote: »

...

All families have secrets that they'd rather were kept from the world - or at least not revealed to all and sundry on a regular basis - and if my husband were to broadcast my family secrets despite my asking him to keep our business private, I would view it as highly disloyal. It's not just his information but mine too and I consider I am entitled to have my view recognised and respected.

...

I'm sorry but I don't understand why the fact that she had her first child at 18 should be a family secret?! If people know the OPs age (or thereabouts) and the eldest's age, it's not exactly difficult to do that maths and figure it out anyway!

There's nothing to be ashamed about, you were in a consenting, legal relationship that has lasted 20 years despite the shock of a teen pregnancy. It's not like you were 15- I could see his point a little more if that was the case, but you were a legal adult at the time! What would he rather you do, draw extra wrinkles on and act like you're his age so it's 'OK'?!

I think for this to have suddenly become an issue to him, someone must have said something to him. That's his issue to deal with though, not his wife or children's. Hope you manage to have a sensible conversation with him - without the name calling which is never acceptable and you must make him aware that you won't stand for it - and find out what his problem is and how he can deal with it without making you feel like you have something to be ashamed of.

NinjaSavingKat

I think WickedKitten was simply pointing out in her frustration that the OP's OH has no right to point the finger and say that SHE should be ashamed as he himself is implicated as the one that assisted in said pregnancy. There is no indication that WickedKitten states the OP was against having the baby and therefore the OH is simply a "complete co*k" for even using the terminology of "you should be ashamed" as he is indicating that she herself is fully responsible for the pregnancy and he has nowt to do with it which we all know is poppyco*k right..?

I think WickedKittens comment was taken out of context by both those who quoted her above as her frustration ( I believe ) is directed at the supposed "holier than thou" comments from the OH that the OP is to blame........ she is not calling him a peado or a rapist.

Thats my tuppence worth......

NinjaSavingKat

OP you have done good by your kids. They are clearly well rounded young people and you can only be proud of how you and OH have worked together in making this happen. But you need to ask him what his problem is. Like that .."Honey, whats your problem eh? Why are you being a complete and utter nasty piece of work ***insert stronger terminology here***? Can we sit and chat about this cause you are seriously distressing me?.. and leave my weight out of this please"......... see what he says to that....

The issue with him being worried about whats happening in the news and this being a catalyst for his behavious towards you is very odd. Many many girls are pregnant now aged 16 and upwards.. their boyfriends aren't all immediately labelled with derogatory names...

Something else is going on. OR he simple doesn't want any personal bits of his life spoken about in public. I have known some women who think nothing of sharing anything with whoever asks.

However - this does not excuse or explain his disgusting language towards you. Something is wrong here and you need to talk to him about it.. today...

itsanne

To be honest, I think there's fault on both sides here.

The way your husband is speaking to you now is completely unacceptable. However, as it appears to be out of character and recent, it's worth considering why this is happening.

As other posters have said, there is a huge amount of publicity over sexual issues at present. Although you clearly don't come into this category, your husband has told you very directly that he is uncomfortable with other people knowing about your age when you first conceived. Whether it bothers you or not, and whether it should bother your husband, it does bother him. Marriage involves compromise. Knowing how much it bothers him, I think you should accept that it upsets him and avoid discussing it.

If you can do that, there still needs to be a conversation around the things your husband has said to you. Some (the idea that you should now be ashamed) are simply ridiculous and a sign of his insecurity. Others are of much more concern and suggest that there are problems beyond his discomfort with you talking about how young you were. However, there is no excuse for being abusive, and that is what he has been. He will need to acknowledge both of those things if you are to move forward.

If he can do that, it would seem that you will need to work together to return to the loving relationship you had. From some of what you describe, eg the comfort eating, things have not been so good for a while. Good luck.

It sounds as if you are at something of a crisis in your marriage and may need help to move forward.

embob74

Have I missed something? Since when does having a relationship with an 18 year old make you a pervert?!
I met my husband when I was 17 and got married at 18 and we had children soon after. Never have I considered it wrong or immoral and neither has anybody I've ever met. My husband was 5 years older and was never considered too old for me.
Congratulations on being together for so long - it's no mean feat nowadays. However if it is because you make all the compromises and put up with the nasty bullying from your OH then you should really start to think if this is how you want your life to be.
Forgive me if I have got it totally wrong as only you know how often nasty comments are made to you or whether the examples you gave are few and far between. If it is a regular occurrence then you have been mentally bullied and deserve it to stop. You need to be strong and tell OH it is unacceptable behaviour.
I'm also overweight and I know my OH doesn't find the weight attractive but he has NEVER said anything derogatory about it. It's usually me bemoaning the fact and he just tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me no matter what.

HeadAboveWater

sassyblue wrote: »

I don't understand his way of thinking, regardless of what's going on in the media you were above the age of consent by two years when you gave birth. You've stayed together and had more children so as an outsider looking in l would say you clearly loved each other.

My thoughts exactly.

tinkerbell28

Depends what his job is really, she says it comes with a lot of responsibility.

Nowadays older men are pretty much headhunted for having a sexual relationship with anyone under 18, whatever their job. Even though it only affects those with a position of responsibility.

The way he spoke to you is disgusting, however as it is so recent and out of character. Is something else going on? An affair? Problems at work? Stress? Illness?

paddy's_mum

Birdie85 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I don't understand why the fact that she had her first child at 18 should be a family secret?! If people know the OPs age (or thereabouts) and the eldest's age, it's not exactly difficult to do that maths and figure it out anyway!

I don't understand his reasons either but in reality, it's not our opinions that matter in this situation.

The husband has, clearly and unequivocally, asked the OP not to broadcast that particular fact. Why he feels so touchy about it is not ours to ponder, really. It was for the OP to take on board that her husband has something of a bee in his bonnet about it and respect his viewpoint, even if she can't see any harm in it. That's why I used the word 'loyalty'.

I agree wholeheartedly that the verbal abuse has to stop. However, I also bear in mind that frustration and anger, along with contempt for the OP's dismissal of his opinion, can provoke such a hostile reaction.

Above all, this pair need to start talking and really listening to each other. Nobody ever got a problem resolved by silence and sulks.