Thoughts please

Magel

Hi,

Looking for thoughts on the following.

When someone working shifts has no consistency with their child eg, some weeks they only see the child for a matter of hours or even just 30 minutes, although they work 4 shifts on 4 shifts off, does this seem acceptable? The child goes from one week to the next not even knowing if the are seeing their father or not that week.

They verbally abuse the mother in front of the child using terrible language and saying such things as I will not be having x ever on Friday nights a again, just to be awkward to the mother without probably thinking that what the child is hearing is that my Dad doesn't want to see me.

Father has a new partner and been away on holiday with her children and his child but the child doesn't spend any time with them as a family unit other than this one holiday.

The mother of the child expects the ex mil to have the child when the father won't, but why should she, it is after all the father that should be responsible and surely it shouldn't be expected that the ex MIL should then take over this responsibility just because the father is being awkward with the child's mother. By all means spend time with her grandchild but to expect that she should take on a responsibility to the child is this wrong?

My thoughts are stop chasing the father to have the child, let him do the running if he wants to see him, stop expecting the ex MIL to have parental responsibility in absence of the father doing so.

Also as to the father carrying on like this with the sporadic contact and being abusive to the mother in front of the child how much will this affect the child in years to come? The mother seems to think that the child is oblivious to the animosity etc? The child is early primary age.

double_mummy

Magel wrote: »

Hi,

Looking for thoughts on the following.

When someone working shifts has no consistency with their child eg, some weeks they only see the child for a matter of hours or even just 30 minutes, although they work 4 shifts on 4 shifts off, does this seem acceptable? The child goes from one week to the next not even knowing if the are seeing their father or not that week. my hubby works shifts so works out in 2 weeks he will see the kids for about 7 hours during the whole week and he lives with them its the problem with working a job like that

They verbally abuse the mother in front of the child using terrible language and saying such things as I will not be having x ever on Friday nights a again, just to be awkward to the mother without probably thinking that what the child is hearing is that my Dad doesn't want to see me.not acceptable in any way shape or form you dont say how old child is but could be seriously affecting them would talk to dad about it

Father has a new partner and been away on holiday with her children and his child but the child doesn't spend any time with them as a family unit other than this one holiday. it is very hard for a child i was a step child for most of my childhood and it is very difficult not being included in things like days out when their parent has other children who are getting more of their parents time

The mother of the child expects the ex mil to have the child when the father won't, but why should she, it is after all the father that should be responsible and surely it shouldn't be expected that the ex MIL should then take over this responsibility just because the father is being awkward with the child's mother. By all means spend time with her grandchild but to expect that she should take on a responsibility to the child is this wrong? unreasonable if dad cant have child when is agreed dad sorts out childcare

My thoughts are stop chasing the father to have the child, let him do the running if he wants to see him, stop expecting the ex MIL to have parental responsibility in absence of the father doing so. yup totally agree

Also as to the father carrying on like this with the sporadic contact and being abusive to the mother in front of the child how much will this affect the child in years to come? The mother seems to think that the child is oblivious to the animosity etc? The child is early primary age.

the child is not oblivious my son is in year 2 and we had to explain about daddys work patters some weeks he will have him for 5 hours a day some weeks he will see him for 10 mins a day. from personal experience this is affecting your child and will be much harder to deal with when the get older i went completely off the rails because i just didnt feel wanted by one of my parents (alcohol drugs boys etc) you child either needs to have a set time where he is with dad or needs to be explained to the reasons why they are not spending time with dad and take it from there. i understand not all kids will go off the rails like i did but that feeling of not being wanted by a parent is the worst thing i have ever felt in my life and i wouldnt wish it on anyone

balletshoes

blimey - loads going on!

firstly - what does the child want? Are all parties (mum, dad and MIL) interested and agreeable to what the child wants?

If Dad has changeable shift patterns then he may find it difficult to schedule a definite regular access visit for his child - but in an ideal world he'd try and give as much notice as possible to Mum when he can have access, and hopefully those times/dates are acceptable to Mum.

No, MIL shouldn't be expected by anyone to step in to have access to the child because Dad doesnt. It would seem to be a nice thing to do though, especially if the child enjoys that time with MIL.

No child is oblivious to animosity between their parents, especially when its said/done in front of them. Thats a ridiculous suggestion in my opinion.

Magel

Thanks for the responses.

Child is not mine but a family members child.

The father knows in advance by quite a bit when and when he is not working as it works pretty much in a rolling pattern. He is just awkward and very selfish. My sister has to chase him to have the child. The child wants to see the Dad. I think the ex MIL is getting a bit fid up being expected to have the child just because her son won't. There is poor communication all round tbh.

I have offered the above opinion as in stop chasing the ex to have the child and let him do the running etc. it's caused a falling out between us as she doesn't like to hear opinions but will happily moan for hours about it but is not willing to do anything to change the situation.

I also am dumbfounded as well that she thinks that none of this is having a negative affect on the child. I told her that I am concerned about how damaging this is for the child but her response is that the child knows he has a secure environment with her and is otherwise oblivious of all the animosity and awkwardness between the parents. Just ridiculous in my opinion as how many stories do you read about adults looking back on there childhood and remembering such negative things.

double_mummy

Magel wrote: »

I also am dumbfounded as well that she thinks that none of this is having a negative affect on the child. I told her that I am concerned about how damaging this is for the child but her response is that the child knows he has a secure environment with her and is otherwise oblivious of all the animosity and awkwardness between the parents. Just ridiculous in my opinion as how many stories do you read about adults looking back on there childhood and remembering such negative things.

i resented my mum for a long time for loads of reasons that make absolutely no sense in a logical mind - why didnt she make it work with him so he could be like other dads? why couldnt she make him want to see me? why couldnt she give up and abandon me so he would have to look after me? why did she struggle for so long instead of confronting him about it? why did they both use me to spy on each other - mum asked me to get dads payslips so she could check csa was right - why did he ask me if my mum drank or smoked or had other men in the house ?

it doesnt matter what reasons the mum is doing this for she is being selfish in forcing the child to remain in this situation without sorting something out. you say the dad has confirmed hours - the mum and dad should set a schedule and stick to it. it is down to mum to stand up for the child in this situation and get it sorted discuss his use of language in front of the child and act like adults not 2 selfish kids

C_Mababejive

The important thing is to put the child first and not the individual needs/grievances of the parents..

Magel

Thanks double mummy, the mother has tried to get the father to see the child but he just lets her and the child down too often. She spoke to a solicitor who told her there is nothing she can do legally to get the father to have set times with the child or even a set arrangement, this is really why I feel she shod stop chasing the father and just get on with things and if he gets in touch to see the child fair enough but I don't think it is her responsibility to chase the father to have contact with the child.

The father uses the child as a weapon to get at my sister, it's all about him still having a sense of control in her life, he knows if he lets her down then she isn't getting time to herself to have a life of her own and this will never stop until she stops chasing him.

I suppose it's where opinions differ that causes issues, I've not had my family to expect other people to watch them and I know if things went wrong with my OH and I was in the same predicament that yes it would be extremely frustrating to be let down all the time but I would stop chasing and let them make the effort and nor would I expect other people to take on the responsibility of having my children just because the father wouldn't. They are after all my children.

double_mummy

Magel wrote: »

Thanks double mummy, the mother has tried to get the father to see the child but he just lets her and the child down too often.sort it out so that he organises contact and use the 3 strike rule if he misses 3 arranged times in a row then thats it She spoke to a solicitor who told her there is nothing she can do legally to get the father to have set times with the child or even a set arrangement, this is really why I feel she shod stop chasing the father and just get on with things and if he gets in touch to see the child fair enough but I don't think it is her responsibility to chase the father to have contact with the child.i hate to say it but if he doesnt want to be involved he wont be if he doesnt think of the child as part of his new family then the child never will be and that is more damaging than not seeing a dad esp with his overheard conversations

The father uses the child as a weapon to get at my sister, it's all about him still having a sense of control in her life, he knows if he lets her down then she isn't getting time to herself to have a life of her own and this will never stop until she stops chasing him. she may have to face up to the fact that it may be better for her child for her to be a full time single mum rather than trying to have this time to herself for her own reasons it is the child that is important in this and not her!

I suppose it's where opinions differ that causes issues, I've not had my family to expect other people to watch them and I know if things went wrong with my OH and I was in the same predicament that yes it would be extremely frustrating to be let down all the time but I would stop chasing and let them make the effort and nor would I expect other people to take on the responsibility of having my children just because the father wouldn't. They are after all my children.

two people had this child they are not anyone elses responsibility good luck to your sister because the more control she allows him the worse things will get and she may end up with a very sad angry child who doesnt deserve any of this

Magel

Thank you double mummy.

I basically told her this and she doesn't want to hear it and we are now not on speaking terms after I basically told her to stop bothering me as I have enough of my own problems to deal with especially when she will not take anything I've said in board. She has made it pretty clear that she obviously thinks I am wrong for suggesting to her to stop contacting the dad and how damaging this is on the child and also she is obviously not interested in my problems which I have not discussed with her as she has not been in touch after slamming the phone down on me. Why ask for advice when you won't listen or don't like the response you get.

I posted to see if people think that what I have suggested is reasonable as I had a moment where I thought I was maybe being harsh towards the father. I guess it's a stale mate now and perhaps we will not speak again, you can only be there so much for people and when they are too concerned in their own life to even notice that you have problems yourself well perhaps that's just the way it's meant to be.

double_mummy

people dont like hearing that they are wrong especially parents i admit i have been stubborn myself when it comes to my kids maybe one day she will wake up and see what she is doing just hope for you niece or nephew its not too late

and sisters can fall in and out quicker than the tick of a clock i wonder if you are the older or younger sister if you are the younger lots of big sisters dont want to hear advice from the younger one and if you are the older they never want to listen to you as they think you are being to mummy sisters are great arent they!!!